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Original poster

to expect the toilet flushed?!??

35 replies

Willow39 · 18/01/2024 12:32

Living with my boyfriend of 2 years and I'm getting sick of the way he lives. If it's relevant, we have a 60/40 split on bills as he earns more than me. He works from home full time, I am hybrid. Our agreement for chores is that he shops for, plans and cooks all our food and takes the bins out. I do laundry, keep the house clean and do the dishes. I made it very clear that by cleaning, it doesn't mean I'm his maid who will pick up after him and he has to do the basics still. Ie flush the toilet, rubbish in the bin, put dishes in the sink.

But this is what I deal with...

Towels strewn all over the house and dumped wherever he's taken them off? On the sofa, kitchen table, bed etc. if he ever 'hangs' them up he just twists and crumples them really weirdly so they'll never dry
He'll use the kitchen tea towels to wipe food off the sides even though we have kitchen roll? I don't want to dry my hands on a tea towel covered in bolognese sauce lol!!!

Rubbish left on the coffee table, kitchen sides etc instead of being put in the bin, empty glasses/plates left everywhere, shoes in the middle of the hall, tissues everywhere!! Coasters never used so our furniture is damaged. He won't take the empty toilet roll off the holder and change it, he'll just leave it there, take another roll and leave it on the floor.

He doesn't even flush the toilet every time! Every other day he leaves piss in the toilet as he just hasn't bothered to flush it. Every time I find it like that I walk up to him and ask him to flush but it doesn't seem to get into his head. I know if I ignore and flush it then it will just continue so I bring it to his attention when he does.

He is very agreeable and sorts it out whenever I point it out but it doesn't stick. I feel myself becoming the 'nagging woman' but how on earth am I meant to get him to sort this out? I feel like they're just small things but it really annoys me when he does this!

He also has a nasty habit of just feeding our cat off our plates instead of being bothered to wash her food bowl? It's just pure laziness. I asked why he always uses our plates and he said 'because it's bad for a cat to eat off something dirty.' To which I replied, wash her bowl then! If I'm out for the day, I'll come back to 3 plates on the floor where he's fed the cat and not picked any up?

How do I train my boyfriend to do these little things? Do I need to start giving him treats when he remembers to flush the loo or what? 😂

OP posts:
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StridTheKiller · 17/04/2024 16:49

Reward chart with stickers.

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 17/04/2024 16:45

Have you met his parents? He’s clearly been indulged all his life.

This is tricky. He knows you find his habits tiresome and rude because you’ve told him. He is ignoring you.

You should be alive to this as an indication of how much he cares.

Then you have to make a decision- do you deserve better?

I think he needs to read that article the bloke wrote about “my wife divorced me because I left a cup by the sink”. I’ll see if I can find it.

Unopenedpackofmenssocks · 17/04/2024 16:41

ad123456 · 17/04/2024 16:02

Sorry but the cat eating off his plate..,,, I'd run a mile

Show quote history

She doesn’t mean the cat eats human food off the plates that humans are using. What is happening is that he has to feed the cat and the cat’s bowl is dirty so he gets a clean human bowl off the shelf and puts the cat’s food in that.

Luckymama2014 · 17/04/2024 16:41

the toilet would probably annoy me the least out of all the things you have mentioned, but to be fair they wouldn't annoy me for long as that is why i believe you live with someone before marrying, find these things out, then be very thankful you can just walk away. Move on and find someone that can actually function as an adult.

GoodHeavens99 · 17/04/2024 16:36

SauvignonBlonk · 17/04/2024 11:37

All of that would be a deal breaker for me.
I’d move out and leave him.
I refuse to pick up after adults that have the ability but not the desire.

Me too.
Any attraction i felt for him would deflate like a soufflé in a cupboard.

Coldupnorth87 · 17/04/2024 16:28

Go read some of the posts from women trying to work, wrangle toddlers, manage the house...

Years of resentment, exhaustion, gaslighting, default parenting, all built up into a situation where they only have nuclear options.

Avoid this, either by explaining about mental load and respect. He will either get it and things change or you change things permanently, preferable before you are beyond the end of your tether and financially trapped.

alovelynight · 17/04/2024 16:22

He sounds like a waste of space.

TipsyKoala · 17/04/2024 16:12

He’s not going to change. You need to accept that’s what he’s like if you want to be with him. You could reorganise your tasks so that he does more cleaning, then he might realise how much mess he leaves behind him.

ad123456 · 17/04/2024 16:02

Willow39 · 18/01/2024 12:32

Living with my boyfriend of 2 years and I'm getting sick of the way he lives. If it's relevant, we have a 60/40 split on bills as he earns more than me. He works from home full time, I am hybrid. Our agreement for chores is that he shops for, plans and cooks all our food and takes the bins out. I do laundry, keep the house clean and do the dishes. I made it very clear that by cleaning, it doesn't mean I'm his maid who will pick up after him and he has to do the basics still. Ie flush the toilet, rubbish in the bin, put dishes in the sink.

But this is what I deal with...

Towels strewn all over the house and dumped wherever he's taken them off? On the sofa, kitchen table, bed etc. if he ever 'hangs' them up he just twists and crumples them really weirdly so they'll never dry
He'll use the kitchen tea towels to wipe food off the sides even though we have kitchen roll? I don't want to dry my hands on a tea towel covered in bolognese sauce lol!!!

Rubbish left on the coffee table, kitchen sides etc instead of being put in the bin, empty glasses/plates left everywhere, shoes in the middle of the hall, tissues everywhere!! Coasters never used so our furniture is damaged. He won't take the empty toilet roll off the holder and change it, he'll just leave it there, take another roll and leave it on the floor.

He doesn't even flush the toilet every time! Every other day he leaves piss in the toilet as he just hasn't bothered to flush it. Every time I find it like that I walk up to him and ask him to flush but it doesn't seem to get into his head. I know if I ignore and flush it then it will just continue so I bring it to his attention when he does.

He is very agreeable and sorts it out whenever I point it out but it doesn't stick. I feel myself becoming the 'nagging woman' but how on earth am I meant to get him to sort this out? I feel like they're just small things but it really annoys me when he does this!

He also has a nasty habit of just feeding our cat off our plates instead of being bothered to wash her food bowl? It's just pure laziness. I asked why he always uses our plates and he said 'because it's bad for a cat to eat off something dirty.' To which I replied, wash her bowl then! If I'm out for the day, I'll come back to 3 plates on the floor where he's fed the cat and not picked any up?

How do I train my boyfriend to do these little things? Do I need to start giving him treats when he remembers to flush the loo or what? 😂

Sorry but the cat eating off his plate..,,, I'd run a mile

AltitudeCheck · 17/04/2024 15:58

How long have you lived together of those 2 years? Definitely time to have a chat to renegotiate the division of chores and add a few (very basic!) expectations to the agreement. If he can't pull his weight, without needing constant reminders, then time to let him go. I bet he doesn't need micromanagement like that at work does he? That's because he respects his work team / boss.

DonnaBanana · 17/04/2024 15:54

If it’s yellow, get rid of the fellow. If it’s brown, tell the town.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 17/04/2024 15:51

Train him? You don't find someone who lives like a pig and drives you mad and then try to change him. Don't be a fool.

You either accept that this is his preferred way of living and spend the rest of your life picking up towels and eating from the cat's plate, or decide that you don't want to. Up to you. He's not changing, don't kid yourself.

TheMuskratOfDestiny · 17/04/2024 15:46

Urgh, my vagina just clamped shut like a vice.

QuickFetchTheCoffee · 17/04/2024 13:26

Even if he's going by the "if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down" rule (meant to conserve water, I didn't invent this and I don't live by it, I just know some who do), the rest of what he does is just disrespectful and lazy.
If he is an absolute angel in every other area of life and is open to suggestion and trying to change, he might improve over years (I was very scruffy and didn't tidy after myself but DH was neat freak and just a PP said we compromised and meet in the middle), but really if he's going to make no effort or get aggressive about it you're probably better off splitting up.

Applescruffle · 17/04/2024 13:21

The cat thing 😷

LTB

whirlyhead · 17/04/2024 13:18

I've lived most of my life in areas with severe water shortages. I therefore often don't flush the loo either - it's drummed into me!!!

Though I did when I lived in England I must admit.

The rest is plain icky and would annoy me too. I don't know if there is a cure however.

Bumblebeeinatree · 17/04/2024 13:14

You could try a 'swear box', every time he doesn't flush it's a pound, every towel 50p, proceeds for you to treat yourself. I am joking... mostly.

MyCosyDuck · 17/04/2024 13:12

Willow39 · 18/01/2024 12:32

Living with my boyfriend of 2 years and I'm getting sick of the way he lives. If it's relevant, we have a 60/40 split on bills as he earns more than me. He works from home full time, I am hybrid. Our agreement for chores is that he shops for, plans and cooks all our food and takes the bins out. I do laundry, keep the house clean and do the dishes. I made it very clear that by cleaning, it doesn't mean I'm his maid who will pick up after him and he has to do the basics still. Ie flush the toilet, rubbish in the bin, put dishes in the sink.

But this is what I deal with...

Towels strewn all over the house and dumped wherever he's taken them off? On the sofa, kitchen table, bed etc. if he ever 'hangs' them up he just twists and crumples them really weirdly so they'll never dry
He'll use the kitchen tea towels to wipe food off the sides even though we have kitchen roll? I don't want to dry my hands on a tea towel covered in bolognese sauce lol!!!

Rubbish left on the coffee table, kitchen sides etc instead of being put in the bin, empty glasses/plates left everywhere, shoes in the middle of the hall, tissues everywhere!! Coasters never used so our furniture is damaged. He won't take the empty toilet roll off the holder and change it, he'll just leave it there, take another roll and leave it on the floor.

He doesn't even flush the toilet every time! Every other day he leaves piss in the toilet as he just hasn't bothered to flush it. Every time I find it like that I walk up to him and ask him to flush but it doesn't seem to get into his head. I know if I ignore and flush it then it will just continue so I bring it to his attention when he does.

He is very agreeable and sorts it out whenever I point it out but it doesn't stick. I feel myself becoming the 'nagging woman' but how on earth am I meant to get him to sort this out? I feel like they're just small things but it really annoys me when he does this!

He also has a nasty habit of just feeding our cat off our plates instead of being bothered to wash her food bowl? It's just pure laziness. I asked why he always uses our plates and he said 'because it's bad for a cat to eat off something dirty.' To which I replied, wash her bowl then! If I'm out for the day, I'll come back to 3 plates on the floor where he's fed the cat and not picked any up?

How do I train my boyfriend to do these little things? Do I need to start giving him treats when he remembers to flush the loo or what? 😂

You can't. He's not a dog. If he respected you, he would do these things, out of respect, for you.

He does oto respect you, he will not respect you, it's not going to happen.

You can't "fix him" or "make him change", stop beliveing the absolutel sh*te you see in movies and in media. If he knows this stuff bothers you, and he is not willing to alter his behaviour, he is doing it, knowing it bothers you.

Respecting the home you both pay for is not a "small thing".

Bumblebeeinatree · 17/04/2024 12:52

What are his good points; Does he ever do extra for you: Do you get on well otherwise: Does he do the garden wash the car, outside windows or does he leave everything apart from food to you?

Buy more cat dishes, leave coasters out where drinks get put. Keep telling him to flush the toilet, does he leave the lid up as well, that drives me nuts. How many towels can he possibly use? I would just pick them up. Tell him to round up the left out dishes when you are going to do the washing up. Put out another cloth for wiping up surfaces, I have a stock of micro cloths, I don't like to keep using kitchen roll, he may also think that is a waste.

If these things are a deal breaker for you then that's that. In the scheme of things he doesn't seem like a bad bloke. I expect there are things you do that annoy him too.

AdoraBell · 17/04/2024 12:27

Also, it’s not your responsibility to teach/train him to be an actual adult. You are not his parent.

flutterby1 · 17/04/2024 12:07

Sorry, this is a deal breaker. I don't think you can train him to change. Move on

DaisyChain505 · 17/04/2024 11:54

He’s shown you who he is…so believe him.

things are only going to get worse as time goes on and children are introduced.

either leave now or be prepared for a life time of doing everything yourself and resenting your partner.

olderbutwiser · 17/04/2024 11:52

Did he live like this before you moved in? If so, you are imposing your levels of cleanliness on him as much as he is imposing his levels of filth on you. Either learn to understand each other and find a middle way, or move out.

If he was tidy before you moved in but got messy since, then move out, he’s using you.

(I was the filthy slut, he is the neat freak, we listened to each other and learned to meet in the middle).

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