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Original poster

Is DPs female friend out of line?

59 replies

Watdidusay · 15/01/2024 16:03

I'm with DP for 16 years. He had a female friend from Uni who was a bit hard work. She had a lot of male friends back then but fell out with all of them one by one. Those male friends are still friends with DP.

She went abroad for 10 years and returned home and started inviting DP to hang out. She's been generally nice to me and for a while we forged a friendship but we're just too different. I would describe her as having "main character syndrome". She attracts a lot of drama, doesn't want to know about my life/opinions/successes and likes to laugh at me if I get stressed out about something, saying I'm hysterical. Meanwhile she's constantly having mental breakdowns and needs everyone else to take care of her.
I'm fed up with her tbh.

She generally only messages my DP. She says this is because she sees us as a unit, like the same person.

Last week she said she wanted to speak to my DP about something in private. He asked if that meant no Watdidusay. She responded "Private."

DP said he didn't feel comfortable excluding me and she accepted that he didn't meet up with her. She said she saw us as two individuals, and it was normal for her to have some private conversations with him just as she would have some private conversations with me where DP would be excluded. This has never happened and seems to go completely against what she's said in other contexts. I feel like she manipulates things just to deal with the situation.

I'm just generally really angry about how she behaves towards me. DP is fed up with her too but feels guilty about being mean to her.

We're still being polite to her but I don't know if I would be able to outwardly justify my anger. I'm just leaving DP to deal with it and I'll fade out and not have much to do with her.

Am I nuts?

OP posts:
NewName24 · 15/01/2024 16:28

SgtJuneAckland · 15/01/2024 16:09

He's her long term friend not yours, they should be able to speak without you present. If he had issues with his friendship with her that's his choice to address it or walk away. You clearly don't think much of her even though she had tried to befriend you, your dislike would've been evident, hence her return to communicating primarily with your husband who is actually her friend.
I regularly meet up with a close male friend without his wife. I know his wife, we don't have much in common and we're very different people, she's not a bad person, I'm happy to get along with her as his spouse, happy to babysit, helped her directly when she was interested in retraining in a field linked to mine, but have no desire to have an independent friendship with her. If she started to say we couldn't talk without her present I'd find it very odd

This.

I mean, obviously you want us to 'side' with you, so are painting her as you perceive her. I presume (like all of us) a different person would describe her differently, which is fine.

It's up to your dp if he wants to remain in contact / involved, or not, but I agree with sgt that there are lots of conversations I would have with old friends of mine that I wouldn't have either with their partner, or if my partner were there. YABU about that part.
YANBU to not maintain a friendship with someone you clearly don't like.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/01/2024 16:22

Well it seems DP is fed up of her antics too, so slow fade would be my advice. It seems she has exhausted all the other members of the group previously, or taken against them. So past behaviour being the best indicator of future behaviour...

Twopintsprick81 · 15/01/2024 16:13

She sounds like a pain in the arse, hence why she struggles to maintain any friendships. Personally, I'd do the slow fade. Your DP shouldn't feel bad, she'll be used to it and I'm sure she'll soon find someone else to put up with her drama (temporarily).

Whatsthestorynow · 15/01/2024 16:11

It doesn’t sound worth the drama with her to be honest. It sounds as though she’s ‘splitting’ in terms of her interactions with you & DP.

MrsElsa · 15/01/2024 16:09

Well the good news is you have a DP with his priorities straight. Congrats.

Just cut this woman out. Enjoy the reduction in drama!

SgtJuneAckland · 15/01/2024 16:09

He's her long term friend not yours, they should be able to speak without you present. If he had issues with his friendship with her that's his choice to address it or walk away. You clearly don't think much of her even though she had tried to befriend you, your dislike would've been evident, hence her return to communicating primarily with your husband who is actually her friend.
I regularly meet up with a close male friend without his wife. I know his wife, we don't have much in common and we're very different people, she's not a bad person, I'm happy to get along with her as his spouse, happy to babysit, helped her directly when she was interested in retraining in a field linked to mine, but have no desire to have an independent friendship with her. If she started to say we couldn't talk without her present I'd find it very odd

Tagyoureit · 15/01/2024 16:07

If you're both tired of the friendship with her then just agree to stop contact. She seems like an awful drain so why continue? Tell your DP how you feel and your plan.

Its not down to you both to prop up a grown woman.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/01/2024 16:07

She's out of line. Either you are 'a unit' or you're two seperate people. You can't be both, as you said. She maybe isn't interested in him romantically, but she wants to annexe him in an inappropriate way.

Sodndashitall · 15/01/2024 16:07

Well DP did the right thing. He said he's fed up with her too so I think you can both just withdraw from the friendship. Not worth getting worked up about... she's just a toxic human

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