Is DPs female friend out of line?

Watdidusay · Today 17:11 I suppose another way of illustrating it would be if two friends were hanging out in your house and said they wanted to hang out together privately without you, would that feel weird?

She came over and asked for me to not be in the room.

😳 Bare faced cheek of that!
What did your DP say to that exactly? Did you leave the room!?

She had a lot of male friends back then but fell out with all of them one by one

I wonder why? 🤔 If your DH is fed up with her too, then he needs to back right off and withdraw from the friendship. Why should he be mean to her? “I’m sorry, Jane, it was good to catch up with you after you came back to this country, but we’re clearly different people now and I have my own very busy life. I won’t be meeting/talking/texting anymore but I wish you well”.

I get she’s his friend from years ago, but she disappeared abroad for 10 years so things have changed. If they were really close before and during your entire relationship with your DP then I don’t think there would be an issue with her wanting to speak with him privately from time to time. But it sounds like when she came back she expected to slot back into his life as it was before, but his priorities have changed now. Good for him for wanting to have boundaries with her.

honestly though I would just get rid of her. Neither of you seem than fond of her and it really seems like she’s trying to make you feel like his loyalties lie with her.

If your mate wanted to just chat to you would you ask your partner to leave the room?

see, I think that would be fine.

She seems to beva drama queen who's playing divide and rule. I think you and DP need to act as a unit and bin her. All the others have so why not you?

The fact she only contacts DP is telling.

I do find it a bit odd that you don’t have “individual” friends, you are either both friends with someone, or neither of you are.
I have lots of friends who aren’t friends with DH and vice versa.
My male friends from uni, I will message them, but not thier partners .. I know thier partners, but why would I message them?

Agreed.

You probably haven't had a chance to read all of my posts. As I said I'm letting DP get on with it. My question is am I unreasonable to openly call her DPs friend and not my friend based on the story.

I've read all your posts and this is just an odd question. Why do you have to put her in to some sort of labelled box ? Why don't you just call her 'Jane' is you need to refer to her ?

Agree.

Even if you were both equally friends, is it so unusual to want to talk to one of you separately? I see friends individually and in groups. I might confide something in one friend specifically and not share it with everyone we mutually know. Do you and your DH just come as a blob when it comes to your other relationships?

She's on a power trip. Who does she think she is?!

But she’s not your friend — you don’t like her! I think you need to allow your DH to decide on his own friendships. It’s irrelevant whether she’s fallen out with other people, or whether you like her or not. DH has a couple of very longtime female friends I don’t like, but I certainly don’t intervene in the friendship or expect to be included in their confidences, any more than I’d want to be involved in his friendships with men I’m not drawn to. We do both also have joint friends, male and female. I’m going out for a solo drink with a male joint friend tonight. He wants to talk about something person he’s clearly comfortable sharing with me but not DH — don’t know what.

She's trying to show she has importance and influence with your DP by dictating terms. She can't seriously trust that meeting him alone would mean he'd keep it secret from you anyway so I'd imagine she wants to prove to herself (and possibly show you) she has enough sway over him to get him on his own. Its really important he doesn't entertain this as she will try it everytime she needs a confidence boost. Goodness knows why he entertains her at all tbh.

Would you expect to be part of a conversation between your partner and one of his male friends who wanted a private chat?

or if your partner insisted on being part of a chat between you and a female friend who wanted to tell you something private?

I think she's pretended to be your friend as this was the only way to keep DP onside and I guess prove she's not after him romantically. She now feels like she's done her time as your "friend". Honestly she has too much time on her hands if she puts her friends into little mental boxes.

I think she's trying to muscle in on your DH. And good he told her to back off.

I'd say to him that she's hard work and if he wants to phase her out, you'd be completely behind him. And then I'd be working towards getting her excluded.

She has known your dp longer it makes sense that she is more comfortable with him about what seems like a private matter. Yes she's friends with you too but on the back off your relationship with dp. I find it odd that you think she has to share with you both or nome at all type of thing...almost controlling OP if this was a bloke doing it to a female.

Your DH has been clear in that your a couple amd that nothing between him and her is private.

The problem would only exist if he was any different.

I'd just let them get on with it. You clearly don't like this woman from the outset of your OP and if your DP is happy to have her as a mate then it's up to him.

It’s up to your DP, and yourself ego you are friends with.

I do find it a bit odd that you don’t have “individual” friends, you are either both friends with someone, or neither of you are.
I have lots of friends who aren’t friends with DH and vice versa.
My male friends from uni, I will message them, but not thier partners .. I know thier partners, but why would I message them?

Don’t really see the issue, ye are both fed up with her so just slowly phase her out until get gets the hint, she sounds very immature and hard work.
Snap at her if she is rude to you / undermines you again

Well i think it mostly depends on how the DP feels and he's said he has said he ''feels uncomfortable excluding OP''.

I imagine this is because after an absence of 10 years the friendship progressed to being the three of them, which felt right under the circs. . Now to go backwards with having private stuff between the woman and DP feels odd.

I'm genuinely wondering what stuff is so private it can't be discussed with a casual male friend and their supposed additional friend the spouse?

She just sounds like a massive attention-hogging drama queen. Total nightmare.

Perfectly fine to meet up with a friend without a partner there, but all the 'can I talk to you in private' stuff, in the context of the other things you've told us about her, suggests that she likes to create drama.

She sounds like someone I could manage to be in a room with for, at the most, about three minutes before I told her to fuck off.