To feel he should/could have stepped up?

You can't count on him and that's incredibly sad.
You OP are spectacular - I'm sorry you have had to do this alone.

Sorry didn’t answer the whole question- the weekends they go are the same but youngest goes Thursdays as well. So it will either be just Thursday one week, or Thursday- Sunday the other week.

Eldest goes the weekends when youngest goes, but sometimes goes from Thursday -Sunday, sometimes Friday - Sunday. The other week she doesn’t go. But it’s really near by so if she wants to pop over or something she can.

Hi OP

Yes we did live in the same house for quite a while after the decision, which I would not recommend. Spent far too long on mediation (beyond what is required) and trying to come to agreed decisions with him, when I should have just put court applications in asap. And this was before the online system - I had to send forms off to Bury St Edmond’s for the divorce application, and then the court bits took ages to get dates etc.

This is all quite a while ago now. My eldest is now 15 and so really makes her own mind up where she goes - but has a schedule for weekends so everyone knows where they stand, when they can be away for the weekend etc (but she sometimes goes to exh from the Thursday before and sometime doesn’t). She gets on much better with exh now that she basically communicates with him like another adult. She was 7 at the time I’m talking about when I decided to split - and the youngest was 2 - so a very different time.

There was a time when she was 50:50 between us for logistical reason - she didn’t like going back and forward with all her stuff, which is alot at secondary school. But exh ballsed that up so now she goes less than to start with.

Now it’s the younger one who is more attached to me and doesn’t always like to go to exh - but again it’s getting better. Exh has a new partner and two younger child - and the new partner is
nice.

I can actually get on with him much better now we are apart and his behaviour and choices don’t really impinge upon me (other than if it concerns the children).

All this is very outing if anyone I know is on here but equally not particularly surprising if they do recognise me.

He sounds like my exH. My mum often harks back to the last family camping holiday where exH stayed in bed whilst I solo took down the awning and packed everything away whilst wrangling the dog because he was “tired”. I forget a bit now but he ended up angry (no idea why), miserable, snappy, lazy and just awful to live with.

I divorced him 6 years ago and at first he was angry and then he was self pitying. Eventually he got his shit together. His fathering improved massively and his temper receded. He is still a little cloud of doom and gloom but he is so much better with our DD. He wanted 50:50 and I agreed but it quickly slipped and now he has only EOW (his choice). I am just relieved not to be sharing space with his miserable arse any longer!

Good luck with your divorce- 6 or 9 months of pain for a lifetime of gain!

Is there no way you can move out for the time it will take to sell the house?

Even if it means staying with family?

You need to record this on yr phone and document it. He is abusing your young and impressionable children and you doing grey rock are inadvertently complicit in this abuse. Your children can feel the atmosphere and it really isn't good OP. While you dither between jumping or not, Rome is burning.

Again, he's trying to get you to people please to make him stop, and as it wasn't working he's now using the kids to get at you because he knows that's always going to be your achilles heel. You can't be held to ransom by any behaviour, this included. It just gives even more reason to get away from him.

You've got to think of the long game, and in the end the children will see exactly what's what. Yes they might have to sometimes go to his, but here's another voice to add to those saying that he will threaten 50/50 yet it will be very likely to go into the too hard basket when push comes to shove. He's not going to morph into someone capable and responsible who gives a shit overnight, he's just not.

Try to do the hurdle that's directly in front of you rather than trying to "make it right" for everyone right to the end, as that's impossible and will keep you stuck. Yes there will be some difficulties to get through if you leave him, but they won't be greater than the ones you and your children face if you stay, and you will get through them. You can be honest with your children for one, rather than trying to pretend everything is normal when it's clearly not and they can feel something is wrong. That's what causes the damage.

Sorry to have lurked til now.

Your situation is a lot like mine with exh. I agree totally with your solicitor- get out and get it done quickly and cleanly. Any dragging out, nesting etc will make things worse. Have been through it all - it took far too long and damaged the kids.

Mine kept saying at first “I’m not moving out/ agreeing anything financially or otherwise until you agree ton50:50 with kids”. Like yours , was an amazing volte face as he never showed any interest in looking after them 50:50 when we were married 🙄 And like you I also worked full time.

I didn’t agree to it. My kids were a bit older than yours (not much though) and equally always wanted Mum.l, esp the older one. I applied to court for everything, including on the form for if there’s been emotional abuse, which there had been.

He had a consultation with a solicitor and came out in agreement to his having 5 nights in 14, me 9, with some vague bollocks about him taking them to school other times which never happened. He’s done 5 in 14 the number of times that I can count on one hand. The bit where he did Sunday nights EOW disappeared almost immediately, as that’s too difficult. He’s currently 4 in 14 with youngest, 3 in 14 (sometimes 2) with the eldest.

I do get maintenance but have had to enforce the court order twice.

@MoaningMartyr

this isnt about them hating him (although see what I posted above) this is about you not responding to his sulks as you would normally do. You are not pandering to him, his punishment of the silent treatment isnt working so he is now using them to hurt you instead. Probably not deliberately but by being in such a foul mood so he upsets them, he gets the play the victim "you all fucking hate me" and that in turns hurts you.

He is now going to use anything he can to get at you. Threats to go for full custody, never seeing them at all as they clearly hate him, cutting you off financially, blah blah. He will weaponise anything he has.

I strongly suggest you need to move forward with the divorce asap as this is going to get worse before it gets better.

I would still divorce and put all my effort into him having limited access. He clearly can't deal with them so I can't see why he would even bother to try for 50/50. I'd imagine (from your posts) he will go for the easiest life possible where he can sit on his arse all day. Living with him currently is shit for you and kids. Do you really want that for you all for 8 more years? 8 more years of him having tantrums and swearing about his kids in front of them, 8 more years of them being scared of him. I'm so sorry OP, it's a shit situation 😔

He might threaten 50/50 but he won't want to do the work

You could also try to say that 50/50 could work as it will give you time to date. Obviously don't put that in writing.

Yes. Because the alternative is them having to deal with this sort of behaviour full time. Besides, he might not want to go for 50/50 if he's so easily angered by them. And even if he does; you can provide a safe, calm and emotionally healthy home for them 50% of the time as well as one decent parent who doesn't shout or swear at them.

I absolutely agree with @PyongyangKipperbang above. Something I learned on here: start hiding precious items incase he goes on a rampage out of spite.

Be careful.

There comes a point where they realise that they have pushed their luck too far. When the handmaid is no longer taking their crap. Then they start with the "woe is me" and when that doesnt work the martyr, then the illness again and then....eventually the anger.

The accusations that you dont care, you hate him, you are trying to turn the kids against him, just want him for his money, wouldnt care if he died as long as the bills got paid etc etc. And then the rows, the shouting and the verbal abuse.

Pre warned is prearmed.

My dh is a sulker and strangely enough, he now says the same about me, that I've turned cold. I haven't, I just no longer put up with his bullshit. When he sulks I now see it as an opportunity to go out and do things I want to. I take the kids to the cinema, or may take myself off to see friends, catch up on my hobbies etc. what I now don't do is follow him around trying to make it better and ask him what's up and try to get him to talk. If he wants to talk he now has to make the effort and come to talk to me, HE has to break the ice. When he does I address whatever it was that caused the sulk. In your shoes op id address what he thinks it's acceptable not to help a child who's having a seizure. If he was too ill to help, imo he should have been in hospital himself

You deserve so much more, OP. You are not the problem, he is.

Your ex husband's journal entry sounds like the anguish of a soul in distress. How could you do that to him you monster???

(any other gems from his musings? has really cheered me up.)

I think you need to mop his brow and say "there, there, there"
Then make him a nice cup of tea and sit him down in front of the tv

Poor man must be exhausted

I once came upon a journal belonging to my ex husband in which he had written "she is just COLD" roughly coinciding with the time I realised I was done with his shit and started planning to divorce him.

You're not cold. You're just not welcoming or facilitating his bullshit any more. Let him think what he wants, that's none of your business. You're business is you and the children and carving out a better situation for you. Keep going.

I'm glad you can see him so clearly now @MoaningMartyr the scales have fallen from your eyes and all his nasty manipulative ways are there for you to see. Of course he thinks you've grown cold, he can't get all your attention anymore