To feel he should/could have stepped up?

Please do keep posting @MoaningMartyr

You are definitely not alone. In relationship circumstances such as yours, mothers tend to make allowances for their sons, I'm afraid, allowances that aren't justified My MIL did - mind you, I didn't let her know the whole truth of the matter, out of shame Even if I had, I don't think she would have believed me. (She died well before I had enough money to escape by divorcing her son.)

I don't know why I keep posting. I've nothing else to say really. Just thuis thread makes me feel less alone

That's one of the very important things about MN - you are NOT alone

God, he's such a dick. What are you doing this weekend? Going out for 6 hours or so I hope, since it's no big deal

I fully expect to be public enemy number one

Much easier to be public enemy number one in the peace and quiet of your own home, than lying in bed next to somebody who thinks that.

Keep going. It will be a shitshow for a while, and he won't be any easier as an ex husband than he is as a husband, but that's no reason to stay. He's never ever going to make your life easy. Basically, unless you put up and shut up and turn a blind eye to what feels very wrong to you for the rest of your life, you're going to have to bite the bullet at some point, and the younger the kids are the better IMO. Gather what you need, keep your cards very close to your chest and prepare for all the tactics to come out in turn, and some you've not even thought of.

It will be worth it.

You know the worst thing?

When you tell him you want a divorce he will be, genuinely, blindsided. As far as he is concerned everything is fine (ie, he is happy) so why on earth are you leaving him? He really will NOT get it.

And as for him catching you off guard earlier, well thats understandable. Its easier to fall back into old patterns than it is to stick to the new ones sometimes. But think of it this way, does a glass of wine and a curry make your kids feel better? Does it make the terrified toddler cry less when he saw his sibling having a fit? Did it make the fitting child better? Does it take away his bullying and self pitying aimed at the kids? Has it healed the hurt and anger and terror he caused you that night? Has it made you love him again?

No, thought not.

Look up covert narcissist traits. Don't take his behaviour personally. But don't feel guilty and don't spend the rest of your life living like this. Sending you strength.

It is smarter to keep him in a good mood, better for the children!

Then you can leave.

Don't worry, he pressed your buttons, that is all.

But you realised. And he doesn't know that you realised. Which puts you in charge of your life, and keeps you safe for now. So not such a terrible thing to happen.

You recognise what is happening with his change of tack, just carry on as you were.
sleep in the spare room as planned and if he questions it, be home and say that 1 meal and a kiss does not make up for his recent behaviour

Abusive relationships tend to go in a cycle of good and bad. Your relationship does not need to be in a bad part of the cycle for you to end your marriage. I ended mine when things were quite calm with him. I had resolved that I would at the next opportunity to talk without the dcs around. It ended up being in our local pub, after I engineered a meal out together on the way home from parents evening.

It will be easier/nicer for you and the dcs to keep things pleasant and calm at home, so let things be pleasant. You can have 'the conversation' any time, not just when your relationship is in a low.

You're not an idiot, give yourself a break. You're in a notoriously difficult position. The sulking wasn't working, the curry and the glass of wine was the next tactic. It doesn't mean a thing, or change a thing, it's just a different way of him manipulating the situation without addressing the issue.

You're not an idiot. Better for all concerned if things can be civil/pleasant. But keep on with your plans OP. One meal and a hug in now way negates him being so utterly shit in a crisis.

My stbxh miraculously became competent at all those things he was too stressed or too tired or didn't know how ro do when we split up. I wish I was putting it on or something, but he once insisted he was incapable of making the kids lunches and I had to do it when I was too sick to stand upright without holding onto the walls. He has no such problems now when he has them.

The last straw wasn't his abusive behaviour towards me but his complete lack of any response to the news that our DD was suicidal. If he's not going to at least be there for his kids in an emergency situation what's rhe point of him being there at all?

Are you scared of him OP?

He's probably feeling ashamed of his behaviour towards his children who needed him (or he should!) and instead of owning his mistakes, he is transferring the blame back on to them to lessen his own burden of guilt, which is even worse imo. Abusive twat! Hopefully it is running through his mind when he is asking those questions to his children that the subconscious reply is that they are running away from him because he can't keep them safe or look after their most basic needs. His behaviour really ought to be haunting him.

You need to understand one thing that we all did once the separation took place. They REALLY don’t care about the children as much as we do.

@MoaningMartyr you will know when the time is right. If that is 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years. You will make that decision when it’s best for you and the kids (although it will probably be the kids).

Get the fence panel fixed. You will benefit from it in the short term and when your house goes on the market it will help with the value if there isn’t a gap in the fence.

Are you still in the spare room?

Remember what the solicitor said - if you have any doubts about the safety of the children with him after you separate, just don't let him have the children. Let him take you to court.
That is your duty as a parent, if your concerns are genuine and not driven by over-anxiety.
You can agree to supervised contact with another adult present at all times. This is a service that you and/or he can pay for - look up child contact centres.

Don't let your worry about the children stop you leaving him. You have to leave him, ASAP, because it is damaging to the children with you staying.

It must be hard OP as your kids are so young 😔 Do you think that even if he went for 50/50 it would last? He would have to organise everything on his days, drop off etc.