To feel he should/could have stepped up?

My dad used to call my mum a 'difficult woman'. It's the height if misogyny. Basically you aren't letting me do exactly what I want and you won't do exactly as I say.

They are now divorced. She stayed too long though, wasted all her good years with him.

Excellent post

So I can be so happy all day and then I ask him to pick up his dirty clothes and he'll say "you've been miserable for weeks". Its so frustrating. Mainly because it's just inaccurate. Feels so confusing.

He said it because you were happy. That is the ONLY reason he said it. Once you see it and notice this pattern it all starts to make sense. You are not allowed to be happy. You are not allowed to make decisions that don't centre him. You are not allowed to give him "orders".
You. Are. Not. Allowed.

Read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that?. If you google it with free pdf you can get a download to read at your leisure. It is very eye opening, upsetting but ultimately empowering. You start seeing your DH as who he really is. As we/others see him. He is abusing you because he can. I'm sorry if that's too blunt

My heart goes out to you, OP. I was once in your situation. Remember, the children won't always be little. Time moves on and things change and the impossible becomes possible. One day at a time x

How are your kids? Hope they’re alright now x

OP he doesn’t sound very worried I’d be terrified in your situation and he’s just sitting there on the sofa?! He’s kid had had a seizure and is being taken to hospital fgs

Sorry to hear what you are going through op.

Consider me a voice from the future. I am you in 10 years' time and I am divorcing my husband.

Reading your post was difficult because I have had so many similar experiences in the early years of parenting. Some of this I had forgotten and pushed down.

I felt so alone knowing he wouldn't be there in dire situations like this. He was there for the fluffy stuff, but not moments when you need to step up.

I resolved to talk to him about it, and had many repeated conversations on a loop for years where I would explain the impact these things had on me and our marriage. Sometimes the conversation seemed to go well, but was instantly forgotten.Then it would happen again the next time something difficult arose.

Like you I had so much difficulty trying to fathom his expectations of cheerful friendliness, closeness and sex after these things had happened. I just couldn't do it so I didn't. but that made him sullen and more disconnected.

Also like you, if I contemplated splitting I couldn't figure out how he would cope with the kids alone and how they would cope without me. I just wanted to keep trying to fix things.

Over the years some things improved, he is involved in day to day things more and I trust him to care for the kids alone, in a limited kind of way. But as an earlier poster said- I couldn't forget. I've never felt secure or supported again. Incidents like this change the paper your marriage is written on. The ground underneath you is removed and you feel so utterly alone.

I wish I had taken action sooner instead of battling on for so many years, knowing these experiences had destroyed the love I had for my him. Even when hen things were superficially better it was just never the same again.
Most of all I wish my children hadn't experienced these years of watching me beig. resentful, sad, disappointed and angry. And thinking that is what marriage is.

If this can't be properly acknowledged, changed and worked through with your dh then you know what you need to do. Gather your support network around you and keep it clear in your head why you are doing this.

Good luck op

you're turning into a very difficult woman as you're getting older. Very difficult indeed and I don't like it very much".
😱😱😱

He's not far off the sacred manly words of calling you nagging and hysterical. Your best defence is to start laughing at his childish attempts to stop you having "thoughts" and start acting like the good little woman you should be. To be honest OP, wear that sentence as a badge of pride. Go, you!!

The kids seem v happy with him.
Kids will always be happy when a parent shows them any attention, good, bad or meh. Dont read anything more into that.

Solicitors scared me quite a bit.
What in particular? Maybe someone who has been through it can help.

Good luck, OP. I can only imagine how you're feeling right now; scary and lonely, I bet. But you are being incredibly strong and putting yourself and your children first by slowly but surely getting your ducks in a row. Keep going, even if the path isn't clear yet the destination is a secure and happy life for you and your boys 💙💙 which you thoroughly deserve 💐

It sounds like you have found a solicitor who understands. Take your time.

Imo beware he is making effort to gain favour with dc. He knows you want to ltb.

You really have no option but to leave him for many reasons but your two main ones is to break the cycle for your boys, and the other is that men like this are the ones that Macmillan nurses warn about. The ones who leave their wives at the first sign of illness or caring duties, or stay and get abusive and leave you lying in your own mess for hours or days on end.

The same man, if you end up being a carer for him in old age, is highly likely to be hugely abusive to you and non compliant with his care needs. And you'll be even more trapped.

So the time to go is this year.

Blimey. I don't think I could get over this quickly. I've never felt that ill. He sounds so weak and pathetic. I have had diabetic hypo's where I've been unconscious, but that's totally different. And a few operations where I've had a GA and come back round. But ill at home, so much so you can't phone 999? I find that hard to grasp, I'm sure some MN'ers may have, but I can't believe it if your Dh.

Saying no is just something you may have to repeat. Like emptying the rubbish bin - a repetitious chore, unpleasant, yes, but no more than that, and only takes a couple of moments. You are in a better place now, as far as I can tell. The scales are falling from your eyes.

This

It feels more scary before you do it than it is when you actually say "No, I don't want to."[*]

Yes, it will feel uncomfortable. But so does going to the dentist.

Unlike going to the dentist, it will get easier each time you say no.

*advice may not always apply in case of a physically dangerous man
Keep safe.

Please please don't use sex as a bargaining tool to prevent his moods. That's got to stop.its just more manipulation.

You're going to have to get comfortable with his displeasure, and if it comes to disappointing yourself or him, choose to disappoint him. Back yourself.

It always amazes me how these men behave so despicably and still assume we would want to go near them with a bargepole. Delusional. Let him be fed up OP. His lack of awareness and acknowledgement of his behaviour towards his children is staggering...and still going on about himself trying to generate sympathy from his mother 🤢