To feel he should/could have stepped up?

Never never never get counselling with someone who's abusing you. All it teaches them is what upsets you, why it upsets you and how to use it better and how to better fake it.

I have been told by two DA charities to report my stbxh to the police but I'm in the same mind as you. How, just how, do you report that he's stood over you shouting for 5 minutes because you didn't want a lemsip. How do you report that he "forgets" to buy dinner to eat that night so you go to bed hungry. How do you report delays to getting your medication because he "sleeps in" after an extra tiring night shift for a week and chemist is shut. Yet it never happens otherwise, only then.

Honestly, I haven't reported him, or made a journal. I have started the divorce online, surprisingly with his agreement (and him paying it), but my god the EA doesn't stop even now. We can't progress with it because he "forgets" to do paperwork, or "oversleeps", or "hasn't time". We are no further forward 28 long weeks later. Yep, thats correct, that's 7 months of nothingness and hell.

@MoaningMartyr - start the divorce process, it takes fucking ages to get to the end. Whilst you are in the enforced cooling off period get your financial stuff sorted, and make a plan for the children. Agree to 50/50 split and tell him he needs to do his 50 the following week - it includes feeding them, their laundry, their school drop offs/pick ups, homework, bedtimes, everything. You do nothing, highly recommend you go out in evenings for a pub dinner. You can bet your life that by the time court comes round he won't be doing 50 per cent at all. He won't want the responsibility or hard work. Expect it to be hell, but you know that if you stayed it would also be hell.

However please do mention it to your GP, they can refer you to different support services including counselling. It also means it's on a record somewhere and that is vital. Have you contacted Womens Aid yet? They can offer support via email if you can't chat. Sometimes it's just hearing another person saying "You are not going mad, it's him"

Well I have noticed that sometimes women put up with a lot of abuse themselves, but when they see any harm to their children, they suddenly see the wrongness of it.

He is very very wrong. That day with the ambulance is unforgettable.

You come from a home where this is all you knew, so this feels normal to you but it’s absolutely not. He is a selfish, manipulator and you are seeing all his tricks now.

It must be so so so hard for you, but all I will say regarding your decision to leave is:

Not deciding, is deciding.

This fact really helped me with a decision years ago. Not doing anything, was actually making a decision (the wrong one, out of fear)

I wish you all the very best x x

@MoaningMartyr this is truly one of the most shocking things I have read on here. He callously watched his baby have a seizure and did NOTHING to help? And he calls YOU hard/mean?
he is manipulative and emotionally abusive.
Please stay strong and get rid of this awful awful man, for your kids and for you. You all deserve so much better 💐

Now you see him clearly your relationship can't be the same, but he is now as he's always been @MoaningMartyr He was never a good DH and DF but he got away with it, so he sees no reason why you've changed towards him, he thinks you're mean because now you won't forget and let him have his own way.
Now you can only choose to stay or go but he won't see it's his fault, if you're waiting for him to change you're going to have a long, long wait

I don’t think you sound harsh. I think you sound realistic.

He, on the other hand, probably thinks that you are being harsh. But are going to listen to what he says or are you going to listen to that inner voice that is reminding you that you don’t want to have to deal with this/him for the rest of your life?

I definitely agree about recording the emotional abuse. The advice about the police report I also understand. It can seem like a waste of time now but some behaviours often escalate to actual crimes so it's good to have a pattern of behaviour recorded should heavens forbid anything more serious happen.

I had to submit and online report about my DHs ex. She was making malicious phone calls trying to get my DH sacked and made false reports about me to environmental health. Although these are not major we were worried that the behaviour would escalate and we could be accused of more serious things or reported to social services. It's not always about reporting a crime but recording a pattern of behaviour that could escalate to a crime.

God, this guy's bar is so low for how men should behave when basically his justification for doing anything is "well I could be out cheating so be grateful".

I hope you're planning a night out with the girls soon.

This might help you with recognising and recording abusive behaviour. Record everything in a note on your phone with dates, even if you don’t want to report it.

He said tonight that the reason we clash is because of my hardness/meanness and said he see himself He sees himself as zero responsibility for any of it.

Interesting. So basically he should do what he wants, when he wants, and YOU'RE the problem if you have an issue with it. God forbid you express an opinion right?

Was it Marilyn monroe who said "strong women don't have 'attitudes', we have standards"?

God you are a saint OP. How can you stop yourself from screaming in his face that he is a total scum bag who was more concerned with his own (mild) illness than his child’s very serious illness? I never air dirty laundry on social media but this vile specimen could do with a few home truths and if he doesn’t value your opinion maybe it’s time he had some from people he knows. Ask them if ignoring your child being taken away in an ambulance is the action of a normal human being. Obv I wouldn’t actually do this, but I’d definitely be telling him exactly why he IS in the wrong.
I’m so angry for you. Find your anger and get on with leaving this stain on humanity.
In the meantime stop listening to his bullshit. His opinions of you are worth nothing.

When he goes out. Change the locks and put all his stuff in bin bags!!

The sooner you get the divorce under way, the sooner you don't have to deal with his bullshit on a daily basis. Strictly child related communication as and when you want to engage with him.

He sounds insufferable.

I would absolutely not stick around to find out how this goes OP, he will take what's left of your sanity. It's not going to get any better.

Tell him you’ll be doing the same. If he’s so chill I sure he’ll have no issues with it.

”Our kids are so happy. Our home is lovely. Everything is settled and he acts in such a way that makes it impossible to be happy”

Don’t forget, he’s the one who has spoilt it all, not you, and he’s the one who could fix it. He won’t, and you don’t have the power to, because you can’t change him. It’s a very sad situation but it isn’t your fault.

Feels so confusing

He's doing it to let you know that the request you made of him was unacceptable, to punish you and to confuse you. It's no accident. He's putting you back in your box because you dared to step out of line. It's subtle but once you can see it for what it is, you can't unsee it, it will be woven through your days. Also absolutely reccoment Lundy Bancroft as above.

I left when I had small children, waited it out until they were in school before I made my move because that was the best plan for me financially, money was incredibly tight at that point and I had no family support nearby.

I'd personally say the sooner the better, and trying to hang on for the kids sake, and eventually cracking and leaving when they're older is worse in terms of outcome. If you know you need to do it, and it's a given at some point, get it done as soon as practically possible in terms of housing and income.