To feel he should/could have stepped up?

What an absolute waste of space this man is. Please OP take all the advice you've had on here and leave his sorry arse. Your poor kids with a dad who doesn't give a shit about them even in life threatening situations. He's a POS

Sweet God, I'm not easily shocked but that's atrocious. I'm so glad you've made the decision to leave this miserable excuse for a man. Your life is about to get so much better, believe me.

This is a shocking read, I'm so sorry OP.

If your child had convulsed in public, I'm pretty certain anyone walking past would have helped you. Yet their father can't.

You saw red flags previously but let them go as those flaws weren't critical but with having children, they are now.

It's his character, you're right you can't change him. As you day, he's like it with work etc.

I used to know someone who behaved like this - self centred, dismissive, thought people crying was a manipulation technique. I was pretty certain this person was a narcissist.

A key sign of a narcissist is that they steal peoples thunder and divert attention from other people to themselves e.g. ruin birthdays/special occasions etc. Does your H do this?

You've already proved you can do it on your own.

I had a partner like this 13 years I put up with his shit. Now I'm much much happier the kids are happier

I cannot believe what I'm reading, OP! I would END him - lounging around on the couch "being poorly" when his child need 999 assistance?

If I was bleeding out I would still pull it together for my child, ffs. Any decent parent would.

All strength to you. I hope you kick this petty, self-absorbed malingerer to the kerb.

Why on earth would you ever stay with him. What does he actually contribute to your life besides embarrassment?

He isn't a competent parent. Don't let him have the kids and I guarantee he will not bother taking you to court for them and you'll save them all the heartbreak of having to learn slowly how little their father cares about them.

My son has frequent febrile seizures too. My boyfriend, not my sons father, would and has dropped everything to look after us when we've had to go to hospital. Even my abusive ex husband who threatened to kill me actually gives a shit about his son having seizures.

I just find it hard to respect someone who "can't handle it" when their kid is convulsing on the floor, their wife is trying to shout out the postcode on the phone over tears from the one year old, and his response is to shut his eyes

This is not just your garden variety laziness but it’s a frightening display of a complete lack of empathy. I don’t have kids but I was staying at a friends house, a couple who have 2 small kids (2 and 4). In the middle of the night the 2 year old fell sick, so the Dad immediately got up to take the kid to the nearest hospital, the wife stayed at home with the older toddler so I came along and sat with the baby in the back of the car while we drove to A&E.

It didn’t cross my mind to just not care or close my eyes and let them take care of it, despite the fact it was in the middle of the night and I was suffering severe cramps and fatigue as my periods had just started. For context, I’ve been taken to hospital on previous occasions because of my cramps before and have a very heavy blood flow which leaves me iron deficient and fatigued so I get it very bad.

But my priority was making sure the 2 year old was Ok and supporting their parents by trying to alleviate some of their burden in any small way I could . He has shown a complete disregard of both your kids as well as you.

It’s utterly chilling and terrifying your husband didn’t care enough to try and keep his eyes open and pitch in even when it was his own flesh and blood.

@MoaningMartyr

I've emailed a couple of solicitors. And started to scribble down the finances. The fall out is going to be huge if I do this. Feels terrifying.

Just remember to nail down your finances before you let/make him aware that you are divorcing (if that's the decision you make). You'd be surprised that many angry Ex's clear out the bank account when the relationship founders, uncaring that their children are affected as well as their outgoing spouses.

So, ensure he has no access/password to your own solo bank accounts. If you don't have your own account open one ASAP. You should be able to do this online. Take at least 50% out of any joint bank/savings account and transfer it into your own account(s). Change your password/pincodes to your devices and ensure your devices don't synch with his.

Good luck OP - you and your children deserve a better future. 🌹

@MoaningMartyr

If we do talk about it he will get v angry and say he was extremely unwell and I was managing it all anyway. And it's just like me to make someone feel guilty and awful for being ill. And he will shout and storm about and then sulk.

Oh dear - what a shame you and your children have to share any air with this man. 🌹

I agree, one of the worst things I have ever read too, who doesn’t help a sick child?

Be brave you can do this! You just coped with two very poorly children alone as it is, things don’t get much harder than that.

It’s a child who is very poorly, makes no difference whose child it is or however sick I was I would crawl on my hands and knees if I had to to help the wee one and call for an ambulance.

The only time ever I would not have been able to physically help was when I was sick myself and could not literally move and had to call and have medical assistance myself….your husband just has man flu and laziness and completely and utter lack of compassion 🤬 He would no longer be my husband.

You and your kids deserve so much better than him.

Op the fall out will be worse if you stay. You'll have wasted your best years with your kids dragging this millstone around with you. He's an absolute loser and no role model for your children.

I would have to be at deaths door or even unconscious not to help a convulsing stranger, never mind my own child.

This is unforgivable and I don't think there is any way back from this, you'll never be able to look at him the same again.

Well done for getting in touch with solicitors already. I think it's really the only course of action you can now take in this situation, especially given how he seems to think it wasn't a big deal and has been well enough to go to work today.

I know it might be hard to go through the process of separation but just remember it's his disgusting behaviour that's caused it.

In all my MN years, I've read some awful threads about male partners/husbands and their abusive, childish behaviours but this one is the worst I've ever read. OP, after reading all your updates, I feel utterly heartbroken for you and for your lovely children.

Please, please find the strength to kick him out/leave him no matter what the fallout will be. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of the sulking, the ignoring, the shouting, the mental trauma, quite frankly the abuse but when I confronted the bully and challenged him rather than tolerating his behaviour, he whimpered away like the useless piece of shit he always was. Dig deep and hold on tight for your children.

I hope you have friends/family to rely on IRL to help get you and your children through this.

Unless you found him dead after coming home from A&E - none of this was or is acceptable!

I’d be past resentment and feel utter RAGE op. I’d quite literally expect them to be at the point of passing out before they sat there and did nothing

I hope you're feeling ok today and have had a few minutes to yourself at least. I can't possibly tell you your life will be better if you leave, I've never been in your shoes. Others here have though and that's what you're being told loud and clear.

What I will say though is that I grew up in a house where mum did EVERYTHING. Cleaning, cooking, tidying, childcare, DIY, the works. Even now when they're both retired, dad asks her if he's got any clean shirts/underwear. He cooks a token once per week but god forbid he clears it up. I watched love die and lost any respect for him as a person-and a but for my mum too, for letting it happen. Is that what you are happy to let your children witness as they get older? Their mum despising their father while she does everything round the house while dad sits and plays on his phone? Suppose your younger dc had been 9/10 in this situation, he'd have seen his dad completely check out of parenting. What example will that set for the rest of his life? But only you can know whether divorce and a new life will be worth it. Good luck 💐

If he is that ill he cannot drag himself up for fitting child and 999 call, he needs to go to hospital.

Yep, this. Was thinking the very same.

Much better for the children to divorce while they're still so young. They'll hardly remember it happening when they're older.

What a self-centred arsehole. Me and DH had a virus that sound similar to yours just after new year. I was ill first then DH got it 2 days later. It sounds similar to your symptoms. My temperature was through the roof and I was in bed for 2 days straight and DH looked after my 5yo DSD. When DH started getting symptoms I let him stay in bed and I got up to look after DSD. I felt absolutely terrible. Everything was struggle, even reaching to pick up my water bottle was an effort. My head was pounding and I felt constantly sick.

After DHs couple of days in bed we just managed between the two of us, both still feeling absolutely terrible. I would have much rather been in my bed but when you have kids you just have to get on with it.

I can't believe anyone can be so ill that they can walk down stairs but can't care less about their kid having a seizure. Shocking!

The most important thing here is that you show your children what you, and they, are worth.

Don’t bring them up tolerating a man who shows such careless disregard for their lives. Because that’s what’s happened here. He gave no shits when they were in danger with a medical emergency, and put himself first. What does that show them?

I've emailed a couple of solicitors. And started to scribble down the finances. The fall out is going to be huge if I do this. Feels terrifying.

Well done OP. I mean that. Keep telling yourself "short term pain for long term gain" then break everything down into small chunks so it's more manageable.

Get copies of his bank statements, savings, pensions etc. Most are online now unfortunately but try and remember the companies so your solicitor can hopefully request the statements. Also copies of mortgage statements.

You will need your marriage and birth certificates, so keep those safe with the passports.

Remove any joint savings into your own. Not half but all. His solicitor can request you give him half back but keep it until that happens. You might need it to feed or house the children.

Look on rightmove to see what your various options are. Mess around with different locations to see the difference in prices. Accept your material standards will be lower for now but that is the price of freedom from abuse. Worth every single penny imo.