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Original poster

To feel he should/could have stepped up?

482 replies

MoaningMartyr · 15/01/2024 14:46

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

OP posts:
Motomum23 · 17/01/2024 08:32

What do you want OP? Are you at the point where you think no I've had enough or do you want him to change?
Personally I would write down what you are feeling - how useless he is, how he laid on the sofa whilst your child was in peril and did nothing to help and how disgusted it makes you feel about him. How you are completely uninterested in how poorly he wad feeling because its all BS. then give him the chance to shape up or ship out.... or just ship him out. Don't suffer in silence, don't keep the peace until you explode and kick him out. He's not helping anyway and let's face it, if you upset him with your words then it's largely irrelevant because who cares about the opinion of someone so utterly useless and selfish.

Write it and ask him to read it and finish it with you don't want a response- you are past excuses and reasons. He changes or its over.

Cathbrownlow · 17/01/2024 08:27

My God, OP, your DH is one of the biggest jerks I've ever heard of. Poor you and children 😒

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 17/01/2024 07:53

He's just been telling me @TealSapphire about the way viruses affect men differently because of "biology". 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 17/01/2024 07:45

Ah he's soooo useless! Youngest up all night, 1, 3, 5am. I'm so tired and coughing like crazy. It's not even a question that he would EVER get up. It has been this way for a couple of years.

I asked him to watch the 1 year old for 15 mins this morning so I can have a shower and he went back to bed and let DC1 walk into other DC bedroom shouting "mummy" so now they're both awake and needing me... and DH getting ready for work. I'm so tired. I just keep thinking "pretend he doesn't exist" as everytime I ask for help it ends in frustration and disappointment.

I'm going to set up the bed in the spare room and just go there at 9pm tonight. I think I'm going to say I'll sleep in there until I stop coughing and then never come back to our bed. I think that will help.

OP posts:
anythinginapinch · 17/01/2024 07:44

I had to revisit this thread as it's been on my mind. How can a man a father be so absolutely selfish? So lacking as a human that he'd watch his child fitting, yet do nothing? I simply can't imagine it.

It's scary to think he doesn't have that most basic instinct of nurturing one's own genetic legacy. He does sound profoundly mentally unbalanced- these surely are not "normal" levels of male inadequacy? Or maybe they are. Maybe more men than we - I - imagine, could behave like that.

OP this man does seem to have such low levels of empathy and engagement with those he "loves", that might make him unsafe for your DC to be around. What if you'd not been there? Can he actually manage as a father alone?

I am so angry with him! I hope you do end the relationship because I want him to realise the consequences of utter selfishness! And also I think he's no partner in life, not in anyway good enough for a woman who can and did step up and help her DC like you did.

Pancakeorcrepe · 17/01/2024 07:37

I can’t believe he behaved like that in a real family emergency. I’m raging for you! What a useless piece of shit!

Weenurse · 17/01/2024 07:18

You are right, you can’t change him.
You can only change your response to him and I think you are realising that you can’t keep on as you are.
You have received good advice about savings and paperwork.
Good luck with the solicitors 💐

TealSapphire · 17/01/2024 07:15

@MoaningMartyr your H sounds just like my ex. He was always the sickest and even said that viruses 'mutate' inside him making his symptoms so much worse.

And if he didn't happen to be sick at the same time as us then he had definitely been much sicker in the past so we should just suck it up.

Oh he also lied constantly about injuries and diagnoses that were complete fabrications to get sympathy from friends and family.

Eddielizzard · 17/01/2024 07:10

The mind boggles. I actually can't get my head around him lying on the sofa not even making a phone call, back to work the next day. Incredibly selfish, useless man. He is a drain on you.

hanschristmassolo · 17/01/2024 06:59

The wrong man can teach you can do it all by yourself the right man knows you can but won't let you

That's the difference Op. I was married to a man who sounds very similar to your husband. We are divorced now

Caerulea · 17/01/2024 00:48

Um... OP... Could he have found/found out about this thread?

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/01/2024 00:36

MoaningMartyr · 17/01/2024 00:22

Thank you everyone. God my brain is a mess. Struggling to sleep. He started telling me how nice it was to be back at work after 4 tough days in bed. He also said at one point - "I probably didn't make enough of a fuss over you three when you got back from A&E but I was feeling ill still and also you were back at a reasonable hour so can't have been that bad or busy". He keeps saying "so nice to start getting back to normal. What a rough start to the year". Feels surreal. Its about to get a lot rougher.

Oh bless him, he has no idea what rough is yet does he?!

What a selfish shithouse!! Did you give him any kind of response? I would struggle to do anything above a filthy look and a "kids are hungry, I am going to bed".

Knackeredmommy · 17/01/2024 00:33

Im glad you and the kids are on the mend and well done, managing poorly kids whilst feeling shit is the worst.
As for your husband, any love or respect I had would have drained away as he lay on the sofa whilst our child was so sick.
Take your time, decide what you want to do and make plans, because Im not sure how you come back from that, especially when he's trying to excuse how pathetic he was.

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 17/01/2024 00:22

Thank you everyone. God my brain is a mess. Struggling to sleep. He started telling me how nice it was to be back at work after 4 tough days in bed. He also said at one point - "I probably didn't make enough of a fuss over you three when you got back from A&E but I was feeling ill still and also you were back at a reasonable hour so can't have been that bad or busy". He keeps saying "so nice to start getting back to normal. What a rough start to the year". Feels surreal. Its about to get a lot rougher.

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 16/01/2024 21:52

MoaningMartyr · 16/01/2024 17:55

@LadyLolaRuben I sometimes think he has narcissistic tendencies. He certainly finds it hard for the attention to be on me - struggles on my birthdays. He is also very awkward though in some social situations and insecure. He's not the big showman at all. He got v angry at me recently as we went for dinner with some of my old school friends and they are all quite confident, and he became almost mute the entire evening. I kept trying to bring him into conversation as knew he was finding it hard and he absolutely bollocked me on the way home "u know what you were doing, trying to include me in your pretentious conversations, making me look like an idiot" etc etc. So he's definitely not Mr confident or anything.

Had you not attempted to bring him into the conversation he may have complained he felt excluded. It's all about him OP.

I'd get the MN ducks in a row and then tell him you can do without him. I can't see a way back for you from this x

ThomasinaLivesHere · 16/01/2024 20:11

MoaningMartyr · 16/01/2024 17:56

He's come home tonight full of energy and being very overly affectionate with kids. Nothing for me but making a big fuss over them.

It can’t be true regret or guilt otherwise he’d apologise. It sounds like he’s just doing it to try to win the children over.
He sounds awful. I hope you leave him soon.

MadeForThis · 16/01/2024 18:38

He's had a relaxing couple of days in bed. Of course he's full of energy.

Throwawayme · 16/01/2024 18:38

What a useless dickhead he is. I hope you and your kids are okay

MrsMarzetti · 16/01/2024 18:26

He has just shown you that he doesn't give 2 fucks about his own children, he couldn't be arsed to phone 999 . How much louder to you need him to shout it ?

Bathtimebarbara · 16/01/2024 18:20

OP you had lost sight of how you deserve a partner to behave towards you and the kids. No decent partner and father would do the things you have written. I feel so sad for you but also really hopeful because however hard it will be splitting up now, the outcome is a much happier and healthier future for you with someone who values you and your kids. A good step parent would behave better than your DH has.

Namerequired · 16/01/2024 18:14

I’m disgusted reading this. Unless you are literally on deaths door, or actually death itself you would step up in that situation. And he obviously wasn’t if he’s back in work! He felt worse than you? No he didn’t! You just had to get on with it because that’s what parents do. Hope you and the 2 kids are feeling better.

Alargeoneplease89 · 16/01/2024 18:11

MoaningMartyr · 16/01/2024 17:56

He's come home tonight full of energy and being very overly affectionate with kids. Nothing for me but making a big fuss over them.

I never say LTB but it is a definite LTB situation. My son convulsed due to high temp and we were all unwell- my DH ran down the stairs when i called him for support and nearly out the door half naked to flag down the ambulance. I could never forgive my husband if he didn't step up in this situation. Its natural to get adrenaline in this situation and find some energy.

Caerulea · 16/01/2024 17:59

Gosh, he's recovered well...

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 16/01/2024 17:56

He's come home tonight full of energy and being very overly affectionate with kids. Nothing for me but making a big fuss over them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 16/01/2024 17:55

@LadyLolaRuben I sometimes think he has narcissistic tendencies. He certainly finds it hard for the attention to be on me - struggles on my birthdays. He is also very awkward though in some social situations and insecure. He's not the big showman at all. He got v angry at me recently as we went for dinner with some of my old school friends and they are all quite confident, and he became almost mute the entire evening. I kept trying to bring him into conversation as knew he was finding it hard and he absolutely bollocked me on the way home "u know what you were doing, trying to include me in your pretentious conversations, making me look like an idiot" etc etc. So he's definitely not Mr confident or anything.

OP posts: