To feel he should/could have stepped up?

So sorry you are going through this, but I think you know there is no going back, you have seen this man's true colours, he will never be a good partner to you and you are not a team. He is only focused on his needs. So time to get organised and start planning for your future with your little ones. You no longer have to think about pandering to him any more which is a truly great thing.
Good luck with the solicitor today. It takes a lot of courage to start the process, but remember if things feel overwhelming, you can choose your own pace, and do whatever is manageable. Just take one day at a time and focus on what you need to do to move forward towards making your exit. Just by taking this first step you are showing that you value yourself and you are doing something positive to make a happier future for you and you kids. In a crisis you showed how strong you are. You are worth more than this. You can do this. And all the women who also deserve more are standing right behind you.

Like a pp I would suggest you look up the traits of a covert narcissist as he sounds very much like my ex. It was hell getting divorced because he thought all our money should be his but despite that it was worth it because I no longer have to deal with his awful selfish self involved behaviour.

@MoaningMartyr considering he did nothing when your child was having a seizure do you really think he would have the children at all? You know, having to actually buy food and cook it, then having to wash up, get the kids bathed and put to bed? Both of them. By himself?

EDIT - How much does he actually do right now, without you helping or guiding? Do you ever go out by yourself?

@SENwoes

Her father appeared in the doorway and just stood there looking at us. I screamed at him that the baby can’t breathe and I think she’s dying. He just stood there staring and then calmly said “I’m going to the shop, do you want anything?”, and turned and walked off.

Oh my Gosh! That's very scary behaviour. I'm glad he's an Ex. 🌹

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Quite possibly, I don't recall that much detail

Oh us women are so lucky that we don’t get ‘man flu’ and instead contract a lesser version that still enables us to cook and look after children 🙄.

This reminds me of when dd2 was a newborn and went limp and grey and was really struggling to breathe. I was standing in my bedroom, absolutely hysterical whilst on the phone to 999 and holding my limp baby in my arms.

Her father appeared in the doorway and just stood there looking at us. I screamed at him that the baby can’t breathe and I think she’s dying. He just stood there staring and then calmly said “I’m going to the shop, do you want anything?”, and turned and walked off.

Aaaaanyway, turned out he was an actual psychopath and luckily he’s not been anywhere near us since dd was 1. I’ve been a single parent since then and now mine are teens but that was the absolute worst part of being a single parent with young kids, having to carry on when you’re ill. Lucky for your partner that he gets to opt out of that isn’t it? What a dick.

DH is pretty stoic when ill and doesn't like a fuss made. He's never had "man-flu"

@Tilllly Tho actually some studies have indicated the male immune response to flu is stronger, which would make their symptoms worse...

But let's not let that get out! I am pretty sure that all the researchers involved in those studies were males!!! 🤔

DH and I had a virus just after new year. I got it first and he began to get symptoms a couple of days letter. I spent the first 2 days in bed but when DH started to feel ill I offered him a day in bed and I'd watch DSD. He said he was fine just lying on the house with her watching TV. The next day his symptoms were worse and I literally had to convince him to just stay in bed and I'd look after DSD. He kept saying "but you're sick too, just you stay in bed".

Was the same when we had COVID. My symptoms were much worse than his and he manned the fort and ran about after me.

Not going to lie, he does go on about it when he's sick but I'll give him his due, he plays fair and doesn't just abandon ship and leave me too it.

Start a journal and keep these rages in them. It helps to go back and realise it really is that bad as you subconsciously minimise them as a way to protect your sanity.

If it helps my stbxh had similar rages, would stand over me shouting etc, but has been okay with the divorce decision. Maybe because I framed it as we are both unhappy, that he will be better off, that he would have time for hobbies instead of house maintenance. Yep, pander, soothe and praise that ego as you slowly inch towards freedom.

Every man I know acts like they are dying when they have the exact same virus their partner has while she continues keeping the show going. It boils the blood of every woman I know, especially when you overhear one of these men telling a friend/relative/their Mother "yeah, she had it, but only a light case - nowhere near as bad as me". 😡

My god, he's vile, so sorry OP. PLEASE get things sorted so you can leave (or get him to leave( ASAP.

Oh. My. God

Op your h sounds very like my xh. Google covert narcissist.

Just a warning. My divorce was awful. As soon as I ended our marriage, he went in to full rage mode. Now though, I live every day thrilled that I don't have to deal with him any more. My only regret is that I took so long to start the divorce.

Good luck.

He can't be in the wrong and a million excuses for his behaviour, he's never going to get better @MoaningMartyr . He won't accept the divorce Op, how can he when he thinks he's never in the wrong. Bide your time and get everything in place before you tell him

I just keep thinking "pretend he doesn't exist" as everytime I ask for help it ends in frustration and disappointment.

He's trained you well. You will no longer inconvenience him and he can do what he likes, when he likes. Show him that he didn't cover all the abusive man's manual as he missed the chapter about not going too far and in front of witnesses (the paramedics). Divorce that pathetic excuse of a human being, and moving to a different bedroom is a very good start. If kids are ill tonight just dump them in bed next to him. Even if he doesn't look after the child you've at least disturbed his sleep. I am so angry on your behalf.

I wonder if being a useless dumbfuck is also biological. I'm embarrassed for him.

Throw the idiot out!

Oh OP this makes me so sad for you. It reminds me of my own useless and selfish ex, when my mum collapsed with a massive heart attack outside our house. I was on the pavement next to my mum doing all I could to help her, whilst on the phone to emergency services and I asked him to go and get our baby from the house and hold her and he refused as he was ‘too upset’ (basically just standing there watching). In the meantime our crawling baby managed to pull down some christmas lights and wrap them round her neck, luckily not tightly, but it meant I had to leave my mum lying on the ground outside whilst I went to fetch her whilst he just stood there. By the time the ambulance arrived I had also managed to call a friend to come and get my daughter from me so that I could go with my mum to the hospital. My mum died later that day and between christmas and new year he took my spare key to her house, let himself in and drank all of the booze she had bought in for over christmas. Selfish, selfish man. It still took me several more years and another child to realise what he was like, and to get the courage to leave him, I was a naive young woman in her mid twenties back then with no parent to turn to, and I’m now a tough old boot heading for fifty, so I can look back and reflect a bit better now. Many years of his selfish behaviour now mean that our now adult daughters are also NC with him.

OP please please have a really good look at where you are now and ask yourself if you still want to be there in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, for the rest of your life? You and your children deserve so
much better; being a single parent isn’t easy but you have to ask yourself if it’s worth the alternative of staying with this man, who has shown you that he will always put himself first, even above his children.

This was in the news a bit over COVID. As to why women had long COVID more, but men had a moderately higher mortality rate. Something about how women handle inflammatory responses better/ just get on with stuff despite being in the same level of pain etc.

Oh god OP. I hope you tell this all/ note it all down to your solicitor. Can you pack his bag and kick him out?

I studied virology
I must've missed that class

Tho actually some studies have indicated the male immune response to flu is stronger, which would make their symptoms worse...

But let's not let that get out!

@LadyLolaRuben that's interesting. I wouldn't have thought my ex was a narcissist as he was not a showy 'centre of attention ' type of person but he did bring everything back to him. Poor eight year old DS had a nasty injury on his leg that needed stitches. At the hospital ex just banged on about how HE'D had more stitches in the past.

He also ruined so many days out eg family celebrations. He'd pick fights with the kids to the point of him screaming at them and getting them so upset. Then when we'd get there he would be happy as Larry while me and the kids were still unsettled.

Every situation he had to have his way and often I gave in as it was over inconsequential things. With the kids he worked hard to undermine me. He was also obsessed with people thinking he was a good guy.

Mine and OP's husbands are scarily similar!