Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel he should/could have stepped up?

482 replies

MoaningMartyr · 15/01/2024 14:46

Whole family caught virus last week - maybe covid, who knows. Feel hot/cold/exhausated/ache all over etc.

DH took himself to bed for last 4 days. I have been looking after DC (1 and 4) - both of who are up all night with temperatures. I feel shit myself, DH says he must feel worse as he can't get out of bed.

Yesterday, DS (4) had a seizure due to high temp. He has had them before - but they're pretty horrible - ambulance called. Ambulance took temp of other DC and took them both in due to crazy high temps and fit/risk of fit, so off the 3 of us went in an ambulance.

While DS was having a seizure (choking on vomit) - I called for DH who was in bed. He came downstairs after me shouting for some time and then called 999 but passed phone to me saying he couldn't handle it and he felt too ill. So I was left with a 1 year old in tears at sight of his brother fitting, a 4 year having a seizure, and talking to 999 call. Then I went to A&E with them both.

When I was on phone to 999 I was looking over to DH on the sofa lying there with his eyes closed, and just felt such resentment to him.

Am I being unfair? It does feel like a pattern as similar things have happened in past. But he is very ill seemingly. He is back in bed today.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour - I'm perfectly capable of responding to stressful situations, but i'm always in dealing with stuff alone it feels like.

OP posts:
Tilllly · 19/01/2024 14:54

Exactly what @Mitherations has said

Mitherations · 19/01/2024 14:39

He's angry and miserable and barely looking at you to make the atmosphere unbearable for you so you crack and fawn to appease him. Don't. Those days are gone, you won't have a quiet life for the short term, but keep focusing on your long term peace.

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 19/01/2024 13:50

Yes - I agree - I can't do anything until i'm better.

I love being in the spare room. It's covered in crap (old cot, spare mattress) but it's dark & quiet and i'm in there at 9pm with my book. When I'm better i'll sort it out & it can be my own space in the house which will help so much.

We still haven't actually talked about what has happened or anything really. He seems angry & miserable, and barely looks at me. I do feel excited actually at the thought of living without him, I just wish the kids weren't going to be so affected.

Thanks for all taking time to reply - it has helped me gain an understanding of how abnormal things have got.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 19/01/2024 11:30

AutumnFroglets · 19/01/2024 09:50

You are not well so why haven't you signed yourself off sick? If you continue to fight through this illness without rest you run the risk of long term health problems, especially since you are under extreme stress. Nothing is worth that, trust me, especially since you could end up trapped and at his mercy for life. Rest, recuperate, plan.

And this. Saturday morning tell him you are sleeping after a long stressful week with the kids in crisis and he has to parent them and keep them out of your bedroom to give you some rest. If he can stay in bed for days you get one day or the next time he’s sick you walk out and leave him to look after the dc . (don’t tell him you will leave him, you need to keep powder dry on that one)

Codlingmoths · 19/01/2024 11:27

The solicitor sounds good. I can’t wait until you are free of this absolute tosser. Tell him ‘i’m doing you a huge favour, now you can only think of yourself without having to see your wife and children in crisis in front of him, as surely even you felt a little guilty at that, or maybe you are just a sociopath.’

barkymcbark · 19/01/2024 10:48

I wonder wtf the paramedics thought?

Surely if he can't move off the sofa with his back to everyone when his dc is having a seizure, surely they should have been treating him too. I think my fanny would snap shut at that exact moment and as soon as possible I'd have packed him a bag and told him to fuck off to the far side of fuckdom

Throwawayme · 19/01/2024 10:31

Take some time off to feel better OP if you can. Once you feel well you'll be in a far better mental place to deal with everything 💐

AutumnFroglets · 19/01/2024 09:50

You are not well so why haven't you signed yourself off sick? If you continue to fight through this illness without rest you run the risk of long term health problems, especially since you are under extreme stress. Nothing is worth that, trust me, especially since you could end up trapped and at his mercy for life. Rest, recuperate, plan.

Newestname002 · 19/01/2024 09:48

@MoaningMartyr

I'm going to set up the bed in the spare room and just go there at 9pm tonight. I think I'm going to say I'll sleep in there until I stop coughing and then never come back to our bed. I think that will help.

Good plan OP. Just before you settle down to sleep, go into the notes section in your phone and do a brain dump (in any order or in no order) to get stuff out of your head and stop things whirling around in your brain. If there's the slightest possibility he knows your pincode change it to something he won't be able to guess (eg something date related at work) and never leave your phone unlocked when it's not in your hands. Turn off any reminder/notifications which might give him a clue how you are thinking from now on. If your phone is synched with any other device he has access to, unsynch it.

Then do some deep slow yoga breathing exercises (google these) and consciously relax your body whilst you are doing so. Envisioning helps too- see your safe place which you are working towards. In your case your new calm, quiet home with no tension in the air perhaps? These should, with practice, relax you enough to enable you to get some decent sleep and refresh you for the next day. I did something similar when I had oral biopsies taken and they were helpful in calming me down. Good luck. 🌹

Snowydaysfaraway · 19/01/2024 09:43

Start getting any paperwork out of the house.. If he will somehow withhold cash get cash back at supermarkets.. Many years ago lack of funds kept me with dh too long...

Daleksatemyshed · 19/01/2024 09:38

He's still waiting for you to apologise for not be sympathetic when he was so ill. Let him get on with it and ignore him

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 19/01/2024 09:30

Struggling today. The atmosphere between us is awful. And I still feel so unwell and tired. I just can't shake it - coughing the whole time, the kids are awake at night a lot, work is intense. And every interaction is horrible and spikey. And I've got this horrible brain fog like i can't think straight.

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 19/01/2024 06:11

What a hideous man, glad you're taking steps. This time will be exhausting in all ways, make sure you get time out of home, take plenty of little opportunities for rest, get support and KEEP GOING.

Newestname002 · 19/01/2024 05:10

@MoaningMartyr

He was very "this is going to hurt" but you need total/ court ordered split- do not consider nesting/selling house later etc - just take whatever equity/pension you can and get out of there.

Excellent and very clear advice.

Hang on in there OP. 🌹

SunRainStorm · 18/01/2024 22:34

MoaningMartyr · 18/01/2024 19:06

Spoke to solicitor (free, through a friend). He said he'd advice selling the house to ensure clean break and that men like my H have a way of drawing out problems/coming back. So sell house, split things equally, and "rebuild" as he put it.

To do with kids - he said put forward what I think is best for them, use a mediator, if he is acting in a way that puts them at risk refuse access and let him take you to court.

He was very "this is going to hurt" but you need total/ court ordered split- do not consider nesting/selling house later etc - just take whatever equity/pension you can and get out of there.

I am so tired. Can't think straight.

I'm a lawyer, that sounds like sensible advice to me.

Clean break is best most of the time.

CalMeKate · 18/01/2024 19:57

The Legal Queen has lots of podcasts with free advice and guidance regarding divorce.

Tea with the Queen Podcast

Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/show/0CKHk64lHzoJUz87tmiAMj?si=LIwikXqHTLq8czRyPjQVaQ

SequentialAnalyst · 18/01/2024 19:36

I would like to second the advice you have received.

I divorced mine, after DC were grown. Ex refused to co-operate - he wouldn't even supply his financial details to my sol when she requested them from him. I ended up having to take him to court.

As soon as I filed for divorce, my long-term depression lifted, and Ex immediately turned (even) nastier. Yes, it was a very stressful time - it took a whole year to get to the end of it. But I rose to the challenge, and was rewarded with freedom.

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 18/01/2024 19:35

@CalMeKate no. Not really. A trusted colleague but none of my friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 18/01/2024 19:35

@Caerulea he was a friend of a friend so maybe more informal! There was plenty of other more standard advice in there. He didn't ever say it sounded like my kids were at risk, but that if I thought they were I must always act. He was very "you know what's best for your kids".

OP posts:
Caerulea · 18/01/2024 19:30

Wow, had no idea solicitors could be that blunt!

Did it help, though, to hear it from a 3rd party that clearly?

CalMeKate · 18/01/2024 19:28

@MoaningMartyr I was thinking about you this afternoon. What an awful situation.

Have you got family and friends local to you who know what’s going on?

Original poster
MoaningMartyr · 18/01/2024 19:06

Spoke to solicitor (free, through a friend). He said he'd advice selling the house to ensure clean break and that men like my H have a way of drawing out problems/coming back. So sell house, split things equally, and "rebuild" as he put it.

To do with kids - he said put forward what I think is best for them, use a mediator, if he is acting in a way that puts them at risk refuse access and let him take you to court.

He was very "this is going to hurt" but you need total/ court ordered split- do not consider nesting/selling house later etc - just take whatever equity/pension you can and get out of there.

I am so tired. Can't think straight.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 18/01/2024 13:19

He won't want the kids 50/50. Instead he will hardly see them but tell everyone that you are blocking him from seeing them.

No effort involved and he gets to play the victim.

Actually being a parent 50% of the time would be too much work.

EvilElsa · 18/01/2024 11:33

Do you think he will be that bothered about seeing them OP? Given his lackadaisical parenting I find it doubtful. Speak to the solicitor about your fears over his capabilities with the children and see what they advise.

Caiti19 · 18/01/2024 09:10

Illpickthatup · 17/01/2024 18:40

DH and I had a virus just after new year. I got it first and he began to get symptoms a couple of days letter. I spent the first 2 days in bed but when DH started to feel ill I offered him a day in bed and I'd watch DSD. He said he was fine just lying on the house with her watching TV. The next day his symptoms were worse and I literally had to convince him to just stay in bed and I'd look after DSD. He kept saying "but you're sick too, just you stay in bed".

Was the same when we had COVID. My symptoms were much worse than his and he manned the fort and ran about after me.

Not going to lie, he does go on about it when he's sick but I'll give him his due, he plays fair and doesn't just abandon ship and leave me too it.

Show quote history

How a person behaves in that situation reveals a lot about their character. Your man sounds like a good egg.