Issues with south Asian in laws

Surely having grown up in that culture he couldn't have been surprised by the gifts that his SIL received? He must have known that this is quite normal?

YANBU to be hurt. I would make less effort with them. Let DH organise to take kids to see them, don’t do it anymore.

On the reasons for the gold and gifts, I can see why that might be upsetting but there could be other reasons at play.

I am Asian too I know my DH’s elder brother’s wife received a lot more gold and clothes on her marriage from PIL, because he was the favourite. Frankly this was fine with me as I have very different taste and even the jewellery I have now sits in a safety deposit box gathering dust. They are also now low contact with their youngest son, even though he married in the same culture.

Also, it sounds like you and DH and a very low key wedding followed by a registry, so there wasn’t much scope for in laws to get involved where as BIL has has a more traditional wedding.

Were the clothes sarees / shalwar kameez? Asian gold can be quite blingy and not particularly understates. I only wear it at Asian weddings. Would you have worn the clothes and gold if PIL gave them to you?

So I’m saying they do sound disengaged but it’s not necessarily due to race, but could be due to other reasons, such as just not being close to your DH.

I don't know which South Asian culture you're referring to, but in relation to the lack of gifts, gold etc... do you know what gifts your new SIL brought to the family?

My DH is South Asian and in his culture, new brides do get given a lot of gifts and gold jewellery etc. However, they also bring a lot of gifts too, such as big household appliances, motorbikes/cars etc. The modern version of a dowry.

I didn't bring anything when I got married and I didn't receive the same amount that a bride from that culture would have received because we all acknowledged that it was different in my case and DH told them not to expect things to be the same. Could it be something like that, do you think? Ie not a personal insult to you but merely an understanding that the usual traditions might not apply?

Re childcare help... have you ever asked?

I do think it would help quite a lot if you could make a bit more of an effort with the language so that you can communicate freely with MIL. Are your kids fluent in her language or might this also be a potential barrier?

Well obviously they are prejudiced because you are not from their culture. Its as plain as day.

In your shoes I'd carry on being distant but polite. You will never change their minds or attitude to you (or your children) so there's little else you CAN do.

Does your DH remark on it at all?

I would just be pleased they weren’t so involved with you. It reflects on their values rather than yours so try not to care for their opinion - it gives you more freedom.