To let DS make his own mistakes (GCSE’s)

I'd let him learn the lesson - resitting GCSEs is not the end of the world.

But if he is coasting along unaware, it might be worth a "pull your socks up before it all falls down" talk?

Yes YABU. This is his first experience of proper exam stress and you’re abandoning him. Give him boundaries on this like it sounds like you have with everything else.

When he’s older, when he gets to Uni and doesn’t try, that’s his lookout. But for now with GCSE you need to offer more support.

I have told this story on Mumsnet before, but it's relevant here. 50 years ago, my DH was your son. He failed all his exams bar 1, which was technical drawing. He left school and managed to get a basic job.. Aged 30, he decided he'd been an idiot at school and went to night classes to retake his Maths and English. He then got made redundant so he went to college and took an access to further education course and then uni. He ended up as a university lecturer. He freely admits that he was an idiot at school and leaving with nothing was his fault. But when he was ready he did something about it. Failing turned out not to be the end of the world.

The problem is 5 GCSEs passes including English and maths are the gateway to pretty much everything, and you only need to look at the very low resit pass rate for maths and English to see that it’s so much better to get it first time.
to be honest even from your own perspective it will create far more aggro and stress for YOU in the next couple of years if he is not able to get to the next stage or do what he is capable of.
It’s not clear from post if he is on course for passes in English and maths. But I would be on his case about those ones and then pick 3 others you are going to make sure he gets. At least then he has those in the bank for life, whatever other mistakes he goes on to make.

My mum always says to me "I couldn't have made you study, you were old enough to take the consequences of not doing enough!"

But never put any importance on self study throughout my school life. Homework was always last minute and half arsed.

I was lucky I was intelligent, but wish I'd been taught the importance of school from an early age instead of given "independence" and the ability to just "get on with it." Organisation and motivation at school did not come naturally to me.

I guess this is a warning for those with pre-teens, your children won't suddenly become a responsible and independent learner when it matters

You can't force him.

He'll find his own way. If he can get English and maths, then that's great. There are vocational courses and all sorts of options now.

Leave him to it, encourage (obviously), if he asks for support then give it. But don't pressure him.

Does he have consequences for not doing his best.

Mine knew they were expected to work hard enough to get into uni and do leave home at 18.

If they didn't get in they'd be expected to still move out and find a job to support themselves.

Does he think he can be lazy and live off you forever?

My DS refused point blank to work for his GCSEs and then flunked out of his electrician apprenticeship as he couldn’t be arsed. He finally found his niche at 19 as a patient ambulance driver, taking patients to and from hospital.

From there, he got a job as an emergency care assistant on the ambulance (thankfully no GCSEs required) but they paid for C1 training and blue lights training. He finally decided he was going to knuckle down and apply to be a paramedic, but needed maths and English GCSEs before he could even apply for the apprenticeship. He’s now, at the age of 23, half way through re-doing his GCSEs and is doing really well at work which will really help with his application.

People do things at their own pace and he’s really hopeful about being a paramedic before he’s 30. I wish your son all the best.

They really are, my son did well at school and went on to do an apprenticeship as a electrician, the competition for an apprenticeship is huge and most require a level 5 or above in English and Maths.
I'm with your friends op, consequences for not putting the effort in.. He'll thank you for it one day.

I agree. There is a lot of competition for apprenticeships, the idea that you can just ‘walk’ into one because you don’t fancy sixth form or uni is the type of thinking that belongs in the 90’s.

No I think the opposite. My mum got me through gcses then told me I as on my own for a levels. I fell flat on my face at A level after good gcse results but it was much easier to remedy the situation at A level than gcses.

GCSE are the basic exam and springs boards into everything else.

Apprenticeships are pretty competitive, not a last resort for a lazy student.

I was with you until you got to ‘over zealous parents’. Are you an overly permissive parent whose laid back attitude to education, chores have created a ‘lazy arse’ as you describe him?

Scraping through his GCSE is not the mistake he should learn from as I believe he needs these for most apprenticeships, so they are important.

I'm shocked at the number of posters advocating your current approach!

at 16 children (especially boys) are still children! they don't have the same level of self control, are easily distracted and have no clue re their long term future in most cases. their brains are just wired differently.

also I think it all depends on what and how your family prioritises. we grew up valuing education and learning. by 14/15 none of our siblings needed any pushing to study. and this continued into uni.

however the ground work was laid very early and we were not allowed games/devices and had minimal access to watching TV. admittedly our parents were ultra helicopter /strict parents and that had its drawbacks but I think its possible to be too laid back.

This was me last year. Seriously don't stress.
Depends what the future plans are.
Although my DD's predicted grades were mostly 4s, she ended up with 2s and 3s and one 4. Although this was due the her ongoing MH struggles, and the stress of 24 exams over 3 weeks.
The college course she chose still allowed her on to do the level 2 course. And she has to re-sit English and maths to get the 4 grade in so next year she can do the level 3 course or look at apprenticeships.
She sits her maths exam again in May. But did the English one before Xmas. And passed with the 4. I'm so proud.
The rest of her GCSEs in my view are pointless anyway regardless of her grade. As she will now go on the learn a vocation.
Of course this would be different if your son needs certain grades for his next step.

Letting older teens make their own mistakes, within reason as you've described us definitely so important. Wellbeing in life is hugely linked to be able to make your own choices for better or worse, bad news for all the helicopter parents out there. Sounds like he'll pass enough anyway, if he doesn't that's a useful lesson down the line. My cousin just redid her English and Maths in her 30s. It means far more to her now than ever did in her teens. Good luck to him.

Has he had his mocks yet? My clever son was coasting a bit and his January/February mocks were the wake up call that he wasn't going to be able to wing it. Indeed he even realised where notes weren't good enough and rewrote them, knuckled down and smashed gcses. It also gave him a much better work ethic and approach to A levels which meant he did very well in those too.

Hopefully yours will get there in the same way. I think if you try to force anything it has the opposite effect. So hopefully he will work it out for himself (soon!!)

I'd give a MASSIVE pep talk first. Point out that top unis take GCSE grades into account so if he suddenly gets fired up in 6th form when he's narrowed down to his favourite subjects, he might be sad that he has less chance at Oxbridge or LSE etc because of poor GCSE grades.

I'd also as part of the pep talk ask why he finds it so hard to revise. What stops him? I suggested DC revising in the kitchen not their bedrooms, so it's obvious if they are messing around online. I also helped them time revision - 45 mins then a break - and crucially asked them to tell me what they had learned - to explain it to me. I'd ask questions and that would show up any gaps in knowledge. (Teaching others is proven to be one of the best ways to revise as teens can't always tell the difference between stuff that is familar when they see it and stuff they can recall without a prompt.

I also would offer to test them on language vocab or literary device terminology or anything else that was easily testable.

People might think that is helicopter parenting and maybe it is, but both DC ended up getting firsts at uni with no help from anyone. I found they need more support at GCSE, if you want them to do their best.

I’d agree with you if you were talking about A Levels. At 16 though? No. They’re young enough to need more encouragement/pressure to apply themselves.

I've been there. Did what I could but in the end dc got quite disappointing grades and couldn't stay on at the school for a levels. They went elsewhere and gave up so no uni but they are actually now doing well in their chosen career. I think there's only so much a parent can and should do to make up for lack of motivation. There are more opportunities available now to people to get an education at any age if it didn't work out first time around.

If he was spending all his time gaming and not studying yes I’d confiscate the PlayStation / X box as he will thank you for it later. What’s his plan? As I wouldn’t be allowing them to bum around as can’t get into a course when I know they were capable but too busy gaming etc

From the sounds of him and his lack of academic enthusiasm, A Levels would not be the route he would want anyway.
If he's more practical, what about an apprenticeship? They can be done in nearly all subjects now with an employers so he will have a job too. Or is he into music, arts stuff like film making/ editing? Talk to him about it from that angle, rather than claiming he's lazy and that GCSEs are the most important thing, obviously you know they are not.
Some kids hate school, it does not mean they won't make a decent career for themselves with the right support. He sounds well adjusted in other ways but if he wants to make money he knows (should know!) he's gonna have to work.

I think they are still so young and immature at 16 that it is our role as parents to help them achieve the best they can at that stage. They may simply not be willing to work and there isn’t anything we can do about that but I certainly saw it as my job to try my best through whatever mechanism I could to help them achieve their potential. So not just leaving them to it basically but not pushing it too much either. Jusr some gentle encourwgemtn1 eg what about 30 mins work before we watch this film or do you need me to test you on any mfl vocab or whatever. Bite size bursts of encouragement. Worked for my dcs but they are all different….

There's still plenty of time.
My son did his last summer. He did very little until the Easter holidays and even then it was patchy.
But came out with good results. Some teens find it hard to work other than to deadlines. So I'd save your energy until end of March/beginning of April but then I'd try to galvanise him rather than leave him to it

I personally think, for most kids, 16 is too young to be allowing them "to make their own mistakes". They don't have the slightest clue about organising their own time, self study etc. by that age and still need to be guided through it. They haven't lived an adult life of suffering long term consequences and tend to live in the moment. And when mistakes are made (like very poor English or Maths results limiting their post-16 options) they mostly just adjust to those mistakes, adapting the scope of their life, achievement and ambition accordingly. The idea that those mistakes are a necessary or even desirable part of a long term trajectory towards overcoming them and doing their best is, usually, just post-hoc justification or wishful thinking.

Structured work and delayed gratification resulting in success are not natural attributes we are born with, they need to be learnt. Some people mature later or discover something in adulthood that inspires them to develop those attributes then, but many just never develop them at all.

How much you can do is another question, is different for every child and depends on the nature of your relationship with them.