To let DS make his own mistakes (GCSE’s)

@yorkie825 i suggest you start a new thread - the op’s dc is just about done with GCSEs now. FWIW I think some structure is always a good thing. Any chance of her getting a pt job?

This - I'm a teacher and have found students who have 'checked out' of some or all subjects have very inaccurate ideas about their options for retakes in the future. They seem to think they will have the option to basically repeat the year and retake all their GCSEs for free, which is not the case.

I think it should be a balance of meeting your child where they're at and prioritising certain subjects, but also supporting them to break the revision down into goals they feel like they can meet. Some students don't have the independence or maturity or even revision skills to know how to prepare for the exams, or feel too overwhelmed.

Does he know what to do with the revision guides or which pages to use? Can he show you how he thinks you can make a mind map or flashcards or where to access past papers online? If he struggles with written revision, could he explain some concepts to you verbally, have you test him by quizzing him, turn ideas into pictures, put key ideas on post-its in places he'll see them frequently around the house?

There are some great videos on YouTube called "study with me" where you see a person studying in a nice setting and it has a timer for the Pomodoro technique so it gives you maybe half an hour of study time with timer on screen, then a 5 minute break, also with a visual timer.

I think it sounds important to identify why your DS isn't doing much and see what structure you could help him add.

My DD is about to finish her GCSEs. She thinks she can spend the next 10
weeks doing as she pleases. I know this will lead to arguments, as I will be frustrated she lies on her bed all day on her phone etc. i am planing on letting t her have the first 5-7 days after exams to relax, but after then I would like to have a list of jobs for her to do around the house, rather than me just nag her to do something productive. If I anyone has any ideas for things she can help with. I am thinking about 1-1.5 hours a day. Many thanks.

@therealcookiemonster Completely agree with your post.

I don't think you can abdicate responsibility because he is 16 and taller than you. He won't truly understand the implications and impact of gcse results day in August. If he isn't able to discipline himself with study do you think he will be able to be self for a job?

Has he ever had to work for something? If he hasnt, when do you think he will start...not likely to be at 18 when he has to keep a job.

If you don't help him now then you're likely to be back in a few years complaining about your 20 year old son who can't keep a job and stays home gaming and sleeping late.

Thanks for answering

They do when they have left education @killik. I don't know if they do if they resit at 6th form college.

Do people need to pay to resit maths and English?

The problem is 5 GCSEs passes including English and maths are the gateway to pretty much everything, and you only need to look at the very low resit pass rate for maths and English to see that it’s so much better to get it first time.

This ^^ is spot on.

I'd let him learn the lesson - resitting GCSEs is not the end of the world.

You only get to resit English and maths. @BertieBotts , and resitting is far more of a faff than just ticking that box in the first place. As far as I know 6th form colleges don't usually offer other GCSE subjects, not like they did in my O level days.

His life is not defined by his academic success at 16.

No, but it reduces the options at 16 significantly if you can't be bothered. The world has changed significantly since your mother was at school @Mariposistaa and I think your advice is misguided.

I don't agree with setting up a young person to fail. So many young people of 15 and 16 are just not emotionally mature enough to understand the implications of not putting in the effort.

@Populationofsouthhampton I agree that asking your DS what his plan B is if he fails to get enough GCSE passes to progress to the next step in his education is a good idea. So many unskilled jobs also demand passes in English and maths these days.

I had to chivvy DD along for GCSEs because she needed it. Advice on here was let her fail. I didn't take the advice, thank goodness. She did very well. I helped with revision for A levels when she requested it and by the time she went to university she was on her own. She graduated with a first in a STEM degree.

What are the local options like post 16 for not good grades?

It's not as easy as when I was at school mid 90s - older bother could re-retake relatively easily stopping first at school then at local college - it's much harder to retake much more than English or maths.

If he can get maths English and 3 other above C he'll have more options in most places that if he can't.

If they don't want help though it can be impossible to get them to do more - but I would at least try and talk with him about future.

I have not voted as although I think you are not likely unreasonable I can’t see that you have actually had a proper talk with him about the consequences of “failure” (relatively speaking) and what is his plan B. I do also think some degree of checking in and reminding him from time to time would help. So overall your approach seems grounded and sensible. But maybe a touch too casual. I’d maybe step your intervention up a notch. But certainly not to the extent of many of the parents you have spoken to.

I’m helping my DS as much as I can. I’ve provided revision books, flash cards and past papers. I’ve made a revision plan for him and we have a weekly review of his progress. I’m marking his answers and discussing the examiner reports with him. I’m also watching ‘walk through’ videos with him.

Are there other things I would rather be doing? Yes, there are. But I care about his future so I will do everything possible.

Of course this only works if DC are willing to co-operate and take your help. I don’t think you can force a resistant teenager to learn and taking devices away as a punishment will just cause resentment.

My parents didn’t help me 30 years ago and I still did OK. They trusted the school and teachers. Unfortunately I don’t trust his school to get the best from him so have to step in.

Things are so different now though from when we were in our 20s and 30s. Most people cannot simply leave school and get a job with no qualifications. Yes, he can retake what he fails but realistically, it will be so much better for him and for you moving out? if he can do at least enough to pass.

I am all for people making their own mistakes but if he's bright and simply lazy, I would be on him to put more work in.

It's a different situation for those who can't get the grades (although for the reasons above, I would try tutoring or something to try and help them).

I think if you're ready to 'teach him a lesson' now by letting him do poorly,you also have to be prepared to support when it's time to pick the pieces up, be it resits, applications to college,courses etc. that might not be of his choosing etc, some tears/tantrums etc. Helping him with paperwork.

Save yourself both some stress and heartbreak and give him a loving kick up the bum.16 is far too young IMO to decide he's not academic.

I'd rather make a big effort for the next couple of years and know I did what I could than have him drifting after leaving school and being stuck at home while his friends are off and pursuing other things. Getting a job with prospects usually requires some qualifications.

It's tricky but you can't force him , I would just offer casual help in revising twice a week . I have 3 adult children , the 2 boys refused help and did the bare minimum they both have great jobs now . With my dd it was a different story she asked for help and revised lots , it comes down to personality I think .

I do think that education is a lifelong process.

If your son cannot get his head down to do the GCSE work now I really do not think there is a lot you can do, except provide the encouragement and space. He could be sitting at his desk ostensibly revising (because otherwise he would have his phone removed) but that does not mean anything is going into his brain at all - he can just go through the motions.

Sadly, what your mum did is a LOT harder these days. She went to uni either before tuition fees were introduced (1998) or when they just came in - and were about £1,000 a year. She would also have benefitted from free FE provision for her GCSEs and A-levels. University tuition fees are now £9,250 per year and mature students are not eligible for student loans, and FE colleges also charge, and are thinner on the ground. Both benefits and teaching salaries have gone down significantly in real terms too. At the same time the cost of living and housing has gone up massively. Nurseries were cheaper then (so she could have put you in nursery while she studied, which is now a lot harder for a FT student).

Your mum worked hard and did well, which is great. However, it is just not likely to be possible for a young person to replicate her success unless they have a financial safety net coming from somewhere else. It is not fair to tell young people that they can 'just' do their qualifications later in life - for many this will simply be impossible, however hard they work.

I think you should do everything you can to set your son up for success in his GCSEs. They will dictate his life path - ie even if he 'learns from' his experience he will likely be stuck in low-paying work forever if he only scrapes together a few passes. I also think that working hard and studying is its own life lesson. YABU.

I do think there is a difference between encouraging, providing support and talking to teens about how important GCSEs are and punishing them by removing their tech and forcing them to study. Do the latter and you could have a battle on your hands ( stressful for all) and a very negative atmosphere at home. There is a middle ground, hopefully op and her dc can find it.

Personally I think it's lazy parenting but I've seen many parents do it. He's 16. Still too young to properly understand the long term consequences from his decisions. Also at 16 they don't all have the understanding of how to revise and what revision means so often need a lot of help with this. 16 year olds also have a LOT demanding their attention that to them seems way more important and interesting than exams.

I found with my DS that he needed v v intensive support with his GCSEs but then by A levels he needed much less support (having grown a bit older, seen the benefits of revising and learnt some revision skills) then he did it all on his own at uni. And I am by no means a helicopter parent. I let out the reins, he basically failed his mocks, and I could see the car crash about to happen so I stepped in and wound them back in for a bit. Standard teenage parenting. He wasn't quite ready for that amount of independence quite yet. Some 16 year olds are and some aren't. He did really well in his GCSEs as a result and learnt from the experience and he talks about that "intervention" very positively now because he recognises it really helped him (even though it was hideous for both of us at the time lol!).

Yes, but part of being able to make good choices comes from being taught what a good choice is. A parent who can be bothered to support their child, to engage with their learning, to enforce revision sessions and check the material went in is sending a clear message: you are worth my effort, your success is important to me. That teen carries this message forward in life, and having had good work ethic drilled into them when it didn't come naturally, finds it easier to access later on.

If a parent is not that involved, says, 'You are on your own, if you fail or under achieve that's on you,' they are actually modelling can't be arsed behaviour. We should care very deeply how well our DC do at GCSE and we should do all we can to ensure they meet their potential.

Say that during a cost of living crisis. At some point you need money and can't just survive on "good vibes"

Higher earnings isn’t the be all and end all. Surely the best outcome is that someone is in a job that provides them with job satisfaction and the ability to have quality of life?

Hmm OK lots of posts from ppl saying of course the OP needs to come down heavily on him and make sure he revises.

I agree btw that stories "my DS failed all his GCSEs but ended up in xyz amazing job" are not helpful - I mean good for them but there is no doubt having the best GCSE grades you can will help rather than hinder your progress through life.

That said, I genuinely don't think DS2's 6 in Spanish or DD's 6 in maths will be an issue for them, even though yes, both could have done better on those subjects. But they did work hard on the subjects that really mattered to them.

I reiterate that even if you take away the X-box and the phone, you cannot make your child study. Yes a 16yo is a child, but they still have some autonomy. You need to make it clear to them what the consequences are of not working as hard as they could. You need to offer any help that is practicable - tutor, revision guides, snacks (oh the snacks!) stationery, 1-1 help - but you also have to step back to some extent.

Despite all your efforts, a child may do badly in an exam. In fact if they feel forced into working and resentful of what you have done, they could even do that on purpose.

@Populationofsouthhampton has not been back to update - but my questions would be:

• what is his plan for post-16? What GCSE grades does he need?
• Has he had mocks? What were those grades like?
• What will he realistically gain at GCSE? 6/7 when it could be 8/9? 4/5 at best? 2s and 3s when he should be looking at 6s and 7s? This makes a massive differnece IMHO.

Yes had this exact same thought in my head. Just didn't know how to write it out