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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants another baby

207 replies

gogogo21 · 12/01/2024 15:38

Husband really wants another child, and I'm in two minds whether to have another.

For context, we have 4 already, youngest has SEN, non verbal, still in nappies and has no basic understanding - DC is 3. He literally needs eyes on him 24/7.

Husband goes to the gym 5-6 days a week, works full time, and is barely home - there is an odd day he will be home for the full day. When he is home, he doesn't bath, change, cook or feed the kids. I raised this with him, and he explicitly said he will pull his weight and make sure he helps when he is home. I love him but I feel he can be very selfish and self centred at times, no regards to how I feel.

I also work full time, but I WHF so the responsibility falls on me. ABIU to not want another child, where I bear the full responsibility of everything - he said he will help 50/50 but I just can't see it happening. I would love to have more but I don't feel I would be able to cope if he doesn't help.

Ultimately it is my decision, I'm just worried about many things.

OP posts:
Original poster
gogogo21 · 12/01/2024 16:28

I agree his reason is stupid, I wouldn't expect any of my children to be a carer.

OP posts:
adriftinadenofvipers · 12/01/2024 16:28

Plus doing 50/50 should NOT be conditional on you having another child!!!

God he's a right dick isn't he!

adriftinadenofvipers · 12/01/2024 16:26

gogogo21 · 12/01/2024 16:03

The youngest was supposed to be our last - we agreed but we now know he has SEN. He wants to make sure the little one has a younger sibling to help him through life.

Show quote history

Oh fuck that!!! You can't breed a child to be a carer!!!!!!!!!

Stillwaitingfor · 12/01/2024 16:24

Absolutely not. He won't change

Doublebiscuit77 · 12/01/2024 16:23

gogogo21 · 12/01/2024 15:46

I've said this, he did help feed them before school this morning. I don't really have time on my side, I'm 33 this year and ive said I'm not having anymore past 35.

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Zombie is 100% correct. You don't seem to have fertility issues so you comfortably have time to make him solo parent for a year. You'll only be 34 next year.
Having said that i really don't think you should have another child as you don't want to- and he needs to properly step up regardless.

caringcarer · 12/01/2024 16:23

Terrribletwos · 12/01/2024 16:05

That makes no sense at all! How is a younger sibling going to help the older one through life necessarily and the youngest one has older siblings already?

What is going on here?

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It's not fair to have a baby to take on responsibility for an older sibling with SN. Surely you can see that. Anyway not all siblings get on.

caringcarer · 12/01/2024 16:22

I think this is just a way to try to keep you at home. Your youngest is free. Soon DC will get some subsidised nursery hours and you could GP back to work at least part time. Sounds like he's just trying to keep you in the kitchen. If he was a wonderful father always doing things with the DC maybe but it doesn't sound like he's that type of Dad. I'd say no.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 12/01/2024 16:21

Try couples counselling first, find out which part of teamwork makes him get 5 sessions a week at the gym, while you’re working full time with 4 children and doing all the housework and admin.

Breeding up another service human to look after a disabled sibling is the most stupid thing I’ve read for a long time. Your child needs long term planning not magic unicorn solutions.

Midnightgrey · 12/01/2024 16:21

I am just left speechless at the thought of a younger sibling being conceived to help your special needs child through life. It is not the role of a younger sibling to be responsible for the special needs child you and your husband chose to have. (I mean I know you didn't plan on him being special needs but there is always that risk when you have children.) They may not even like each other or get along. What if this fifth child is also special needs too? Do you try for a sixth child? Aren't you exhausted with the current children and set up?

Copperoliverbear · 12/01/2024 16:20

I'd so no, considering you can't guarantee his support. X

Iheartmysmart · 12/01/2024 16:19

So he’s already proved to you he’s a shit dad four times and now he wants to do it again. It’s a big fuck off from me.

ChittaChatta · 12/01/2024 16:17

Winniespooh · 12/01/2024 15:42

So he does fuck all for the 4 children he's got? He's already shown you the type of husband, father and man he is.

Why are you putting up with this shit?

^^
Why are you even considering this?!? He sounds crap

Crunchymum · 12/01/2024 16:17

gogogo21 · 12/01/2024 16:03

The youngest was supposed to be our last - we agreed but we now know he has SEN. He wants to make sure the little one has a younger sibling to help him through life.

Show quote history

That is a disgusting reason to want another child.

Bananalanacake · 12/01/2024 16:16

I learnt on here about coercive reproduction, where an abusive/controlling man wants his victim to have more DC to make it more difficult for her to leave, I'm not saying he's controlling as only you know what he is like, but a man has no right to pressure a woman into more if she doesn't want them. I hope he's a high earner and pays for nursery for the younger ones.

Combusting · 12/01/2024 16:15

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Nanny0gg · 12/01/2024 16:13

gogogo21 · 12/01/2024 16:03

The youngest was supposed to be our last - we agreed but we now know he has SEN. He wants to make sure the little one has a younger sibling to help him through life.

Show quote history

That's a terrible reason!

WTF is wrong with him?

Please don't if that's the reason.

wombats78 · 12/01/2024 16:11

The phrase "barefoot and pregnant" comes to mind here. It's a form of abuse.

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2024 16:11

gogogo21 · 12/01/2024 15:38

Husband really wants another child, and I'm in two minds whether to have another.

For context, we have 4 already, youngest has SEN, non verbal, still in nappies and has no basic understanding - DC is 3. He literally needs eyes on him 24/7.

Husband goes to the gym 5-6 days a week, works full time, and is barely home - there is an odd day he will be home for the full day. When he is home, he doesn't bath, change, cook or feed the kids. I raised this with him, and he explicitly said he will pull his weight and make sure he helps when he is home. I love him but I feel he can be very selfish and self centred at times, no regards to how I feel.

I also work full time, but I WHF so the responsibility falls on me. ABIU to not want another child, where I bear the full responsibility of everything - he said he will help 50/50 but I just can't see it happening. I would love to have more but I don't feel I would be able to cope if he doesn't help.

Ultimately it is my decision, I'm just worried about many things.

Are you nuts??

He won't change!

Go ahead if you want to. But it will all, and I mean ALL be on you.

What's his reasoning as he doesn't appear to be much of a family man?

Wytchy · 12/01/2024 16:11

'Absolutely fucking not' would be my response in your shoes.

Four kids (one with sen) and a useless husband is more than enough for anyone.

RainsweptAndUninteresting · 12/01/2024 16:11

Oh God no!
It's his way of keeping you in line
Have number 5 and he'll be banging on about number 6 before it's out of nappies
He sounds like a controlling arsehole

Ormside · 12/01/2024 16:11

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Combusting · 12/01/2024 16:10

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AngryBird6122 · 12/01/2024 16:10

This can't be real.

If it is, please stop having children.

Terrribletwos · 12/01/2024 16:10

It sounds like you are quite emotionally beaten down by him and no wonder. You are probably physically and emotionally exhausted.

Thementalloadisreal · 12/01/2024 16:09

😂 absolutely the fuck not.