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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants another baby

207 replies

gogogo21 · 12/01/2024 15:38

Husband really wants another child, and I'm in two minds whether to have another.

For context, we have 4 already, youngest has SEN, non verbal, still in nappies and has no basic understanding - DC is 3. He literally needs eyes on him 24/7.

Husband goes to the gym 5-6 days a week, works full time, and is barely home - there is an odd day he will be home for the full day. When he is home, he doesn't bath, change, cook or feed the kids. I raised this with him, and he explicitly said he will pull his weight and make sure he helps when he is home. I love him but I feel he can be very selfish and self centred at times, no regards to how I feel.

I also work full time, but I WHF so the responsibility falls on me. ABIU to not want another child, where I bear the full responsibility of everything - he said he will help 50/50 but I just can't see it happening. I would love to have more but I don't feel I would be able to cope if he doesn't help.

Ultimately it is my decision, I'm just worried about many things.

OP posts:
greglet · 12/01/2024 17:09

No fucking way.

BorsetshireBanality · 12/01/2024 17:07

Wanting another child to be their carer is as unethical as having another child to get a body part donation from.

4 kids is enough, IMO.

Boatshoes · 12/01/2024 17:06

It would be a massive NO from me. And to those saying “prove it for a year”…. What if he reverts back to his old selfish ways and then OP has to juggle 5 children, a career and a house all by herself? No. No. No. No.

Viviennemary · 12/01/2024 17:06

In your position I absolutely see with you don't want another child. I think there are few who would think it was a good idea.

Jaboody · 12/01/2024 17:05

Sounds like he has a pregnancy fetish

ohdamnitjanet · 12/01/2024 17:05

Jesus Christ no.

Winter3000 · 12/01/2024 17:02

It would be a no from me.
4 is enough.
Sounds like he just wants you barefoot and pregnant.

KimberleyClark · 12/01/2024 16:59

Does he just want to check his gun’s still working?

ReadtheReviews · 12/01/2024 16:55

What @Zombiemum1946 said. He has to prove it for at least a year first. Suspect when he has to do that he will realise another would be too much work!
I mean I'd love ten children if someone else was going to push them out and do all the heavy work and I just had to flit in and out for some cuddles.

PeloMom · 12/01/2024 16:53

He can start pulling his weight now and in a year or two you can think about it (assuming he’s consistently parenting with you)

slore · 12/01/2024 16:52

ACuriousHare · 12/01/2024 16:37

This.

Why on earth does he want another one when he doesn't parent the four he has already?

Does he just like the number 5 or something?

Show quote history

Having lots of progeny is an ego thing for many men.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/01/2024 16:51

gogogo21 · 12/01/2024 16:03

The youngest was supposed to be our last - we agreed but we now know he has SEN. He wants to make sure the little one has a younger sibling to help him through life.

Show quote history

Jesus wept! He wants to bring a child into the world to serve the needs of another, rather than to be a person in their own right. I find that very chilling, personally, and I would refuse to have another child for that reason alone. No-one should be 'born into servitude'!

"he said he will help 50/50"
Why would he, when he hasn't before? I think we all know he absolutely would not, it would still all fall to you. And you'd feel resentful for his broken 'promise' to boot.

Honestly, I'd be telling him to fuck off, and I'd be insisting he looks to his priorities. You're already a single parent for all practical purposes, and I'd be pointing that out to him too.

I would be so AngryangryAngry with him.

mumsytoon · 12/01/2024 16:50

MothersofGorgons · 12/01/2024 16:01

Windup, I think.

I used to think no one can be this stupid but sadly it happens.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 12/01/2024 16:50

Who needs 5 children?

no.

mumsytoon · 12/01/2024 16:49

girljulian · 12/01/2024 15:49

It sounds like four is already too many given the curve ball that came with your youngest! Who has five kids these days??

This! And even worse putting 4 kids through a useless example of a father. I can understand the first where you 'might' have been unaware, but then to go on and on and on with more kids. Typical.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/01/2024 16:49

ACuriousHare · 12/01/2024 16:42

The OP hasn't done anything. He's chosen not to pull his weight.

You can't force people to be decent parents, unfortunately.

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You can choose to not have multiple children with a shit parent though.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 12/01/2024 16:49

'The youngest was supposed to be our last - we agreed but we now know he has SEN. He wants to make sure the little one has a younger sibling to help him through life.'

Hard no to this. This is not a child's responsibility. What if baby no 5 had SENs of their own, would he want baby no 6. It's emotional blackmail.

He' just wants to tie you down when you're getting to a stage where you might get a bit of free time for yourself.

Terrribletwos · 12/01/2024 16:46

Do you feel like you can stand up to him and say no OP?

azlazee1 · 12/01/2024 16:45

Tell him to start helping 50/50 now. I seriously doubt he will help if you have another child.

hotpotlover · 12/01/2024 16:45

Just read your update.

What a batshit idea. And if your 5th has special needs, he will pressuring you into having a 6th, so that baby can be the carer. Don't do it.

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 12/01/2024 16:43

I mean, I think my kids are amazing, funny, sweet, so bloody handsome it's outrageous and I would absolutely have lots more if it wasn't me who had to put in the relentless hard work of caring for them so I get where he's coming from.
However the reason DH and I have stopped is that kids are hard work if you're doing it right. They need your time more than anything else and you only have so much of it to share between 4 already - and this man isn't willing to put in any time with the ones who are here already, even though he knows his selfishness is causing his wife so much upset and exhaustion!
And the comment about producing a carer for DC4 - I don't know how you can look him in the face, OP. So icky, so immoral, so unattractive. 🤮

BudgetFoodie · 12/01/2024 16:42

I read the op and thought "Fuck that!!!"

You would be mad to consider having another in your circumstances.

Everydayimhuffling · 12/01/2024 16:42

I was going to say not unless he shows you for 1 year that he can properly parent, which fits your timeline. However, given his reason for wanting another I would say hell no. That's abhorrent.

ACuriousHare · 12/01/2024 16:42

BeeDavis · 12/01/2024 16:41

You’ve had 4 children and just let him get away with doing absolutely nothing for them. No way in hell would I have another!!!

The OP hasn't done anything. He's chosen not to pull his weight.

You can't force people to be decent parents, unfortunately.

hotpotlover · 12/01/2024 16:42

4 is plenty.

Is there a possibility your husband emotionally struggles with the special needs of your 4th and wants to have a "do over" with a 5th child?