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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband wants another baby

207 replies

gogogo21 · 12/01/2024 15:38

Husband really wants another child, and I'm in two minds whether to have another.

For context, we have 4 already, youngest has SEN, non verbal, still in nappies and has no basic understanding - DC is 3. He literally needs eyes on him 24/7.

Husband goes to the gym 5-6 days a week, works full time, and is barely home - there is an odd day he will be home for the full day. When he is home, he doesn't bath, change, cook or feed the kids. I raised this with him, and he explicitly said he will pull his weight and make sure he helps when he is home. I love him but I feel he can be very selfish and self centred at times, no regards to how I feel.

I also work full time, but I WHF so the responsibility falls on me. ABIU to not want another child, where I bear the full responsibility of everything - he said he will help 50/50 but I just can't see it happening. I would love to have more but I don't feel I would be able to cope if he doesn't help.

Ultimately it is my decision, I'm just worried about many things.

OP posts:
mrssunshinexxx · 12/01/2024 19:14

Think of your existing children, don't do it.

ReallyAgainReally · 12/01/2024 19:13

WithACatLikeTread · 12/01/2024 19:09

I am not a troll unless disagreeing with you means I am automatically one?

Thanks for the UC by the way. 👍 Allows me to work and see my kids plenty. 😉

Edited
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I knew, my reasonable post to OP (who took it how it was meant by the way), must have touched your nerve. That's why. Who cares about your life choices? If you don't like them or feel embarrassed about them, change them. Don't jump on perfectly well-intentioned posts to an OP to justify your 'feelings'.

I waved you goodbye a long time ago.

coconutpie · 12/01/2024 19:11

I also think your marriage has bigger problems. I would be considering your options as to whether you would be better off divorcing as I can't see how this fuckwit is a good husband or father.

Thomasina79 · 12/01/2024 19:11

You mention the word help, you said one morning he helped get the children ready.

a proper father takes an equal share in all aspects of his children’s care. He doesn’t just ‘help’.

the answer to your question is just NO!

WithACatLikeTread · 12/01/2024 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I am not a troll unless disagreeing with you means I am automatically one?

Thanks for the UC by the way. 👍 Allows me to work and see my kids plenty. 😉

olympicsrock · 12/01/2024 19:07

You are 32 I didn’t have my first til I was 33. Masses off time for him to prove himself.
would be a hell no from me

coconutpie · 12/01/2024 19:07

So he currently does sweet fuck all for his existing FOUR DC yet says he'll pull his weight when the 5th child comes along? What did you say when he implied that? Laughed in his face I hope. He needs to do his fair share of parenting starting today.

And I would also be sorting out long term contraception so that you don't end up with a 5th DC.

RoomOfRequirement · 12/01/2024 19:06

No one needs 5 children. Especially not shit parents like your DH.

YouJustDoYou · 12/01/2024 19:04

It;s like you're his incubator.

YouJustDoYou · 12/01/2024 19:04

Your husband is a stupid fuckwit who had no clue what it takes to be the one physically there raising a family. He just wants wifey to pop 'em out for him.

ChangeAgain2 · 12/01/2024 19:03

Absolutely not. He already doesn't pull his weight. Why would you even consider this. He's selfish and self centred and another baby isn't going to change that.

Didimum · 12/01/2024 19:02

What did I just read? Why his your husband treating you like a baby farm?

ReallyAgainReally · 12/01/2024 18:56

This reply has been deleted

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FartNRoses · 12/01/2024 18:50

Take care of the children you have already, especially the youngest. They will need a lot of your attention.

WithACatLikeTread · 12/01/2024 18:38

ReallyAgainReally · 12/01/2024 18:23

No, it is definitely NOT. What took you so long, by the way? Was expecting one to turn up!

Some of us pay hundreds of thousands if not millions in tax, whilst making loads of sacrifices ourselves. My money would not be spent on benefits for a family of 4 kids who might even make them 5 kids out of 'want'/ 'choice'.

Maybe you are happy to fund such families- I won't ask how much tax you pay. So go figure!

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Is that all you care about? OP could be suffering abuse by her OH who might want to keep her pregnant all the time but you are happy to encourage it as long as she doesn't claim benefits!

Yes it is btw. Most benefit claimants work and I know very few with lots of kids.

ReallyAgainReally · 12/01/2024 18:23

WithACatLikeTread · 12/01/2024 17:54

Lovely benefit stereotyping btw.

Show quote history

No, it is definitely NOT. What took you so long, by the way? Was expecting one to turn up!

Some of us pay hundreds of thousands if not millions in tax, whilst making loads of sacrifices ourselves. My money would not be spent on benefits for a family of 4 kids who might even make them 5 kids out of 'want'/ 'choice'.

Maybe you are happy to fund such families- I won't ask how much tax you pay. So go figure!

Barrante87 · 12/01/2024 18:19

Your husbands reasoning made me gasp - having a child to look after another one is horrible! But why does he specifically want a younger one to look after them? Why doesn't he expect the older ones to do so? Unless there's a very large age gap I can't see any reason they wouldn't all be around for roughly the same amount of time anyway.

jeaux90 · 12/01/2024 18:12

FGS no!! I have an only child DD14 with SEN and I'll tell you it's hard enough keeping on top of that working FT. Don't do it.

Your DH sounds bloody terrible. I'm a lone parent and I'd rather have it this way than be with a useless partner.

lostthelight · 12/01/2024 18:00

Phineyj · 12/01/2024 17:15

If this is real, can I just warn you that you don't have time to have a 5th child. If your child needs EHCP that is a huge job itself given the state of the SEN system. Think about that seriously (speak to some parents of school age SEN kids) because there is a real risk school won't work for your youngest.

I agree. To do it 'right' with SEN children, it starts by seeking supporting, getting therapies, sorting out the EHCP, which is a battle itself. However, you do get some SEN parents who don't do the above. This could be OP and it isn't bothered about getting another child.

NewDogOwner · 12/01/2024 17:57

Once he has done 50/50 for 6 months, then you'll happily talk about it again.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 12/01/2024 17:57

NAW!!😩

WithACatLikeTread · 12/01/2024 17:57

Baffles me people are more bothered making sure OP doesn't claim benefits than if having another one is a good idea

WithACatLikeTread · 12/01/2024 17:55

How do you manage to work FT, do all the housework, look after four kids including a profoundly disabled one?

WithACatLikeTread · 12/01/2024 17:54

ReallyAgainReally · 12/01/2024 17:10

👍👍👏👏

Now, sort out DH's attitude towards helping out with the 4/5 kids and around teh house as you listed in your op. Good luck.

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Lovely benefit stereotyping btw.

Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 12/01/2024 17:52

Obviously he's not going to help.

Obviously.

It's mad you've had 4 kids with someone who is so useless and selfish. Why would you want another one?