It’s a husband and porn one…

It's just so distasteful

Your attitude is EXACTLY.the same as mine ..solo masturbation and making love with your partner are two very different things is often purely to do with having a quick physical & mental release of tension..perfunctory shall we say & sex with your chosen person can be fast I'm furious & that can be amazing ...but the times where we take out times to really concentrate on each other's desires ..those times are the best .I.after having a quick wank & watching two people ( actors) bang hell out of each other & it's a 1 min 🍌 ✋..wouldn't bother me at all.I'm bisexual ,always have been & remember years ago my ex-husband being mortally offended if I.gently rubbed one out because I.had a horrifically hard job & he was too bloody stoned to do anything 😆😆😆😆If only knew what I.had hidden in my drawer he'd have had an aneurysm lol...hence I.left

I’m with you OP. Don’t care if DH wants to watch porn but the desperation of him having to quickly sneak a wank in while I was in the shower would give me the ick…

No1 needs a desperate wanker 😂

Yanbu.

Tbh porn is a no for me altogether but even if I was fine with him watching porn I would find this really disrespectful.

See, again, for someone who doesn’t accept porn, I find this completely irrational. What were you getting angry about exactly? Would you be angry if he was downloading Disney films to watch at his? If you wouldn’t be, then what is it about porn that would make you angry?

I can’t help but think that the only reason women who accept it do accept it is because they’re told to accept it/they think they won’t get a relationship if they don’t. The amount of mental gymnastics many women seem to go through in order to accept it seems like madness to me.

very rarely much “point” to it

interesting nonetheless!

Lots of really interesting comments here. I can just add that yeah maybe the way we respond to the whole porn thing is complicated and thus can seem irrational. I had an ex where all was good, I knew he looked at porn on his own,,,but one day I found him downloading it at my my house to take to his (it was a while ago, he didn't have internet), and I was furious!!! The idea of him using my internet just seemed so cheeky. Is that rational? I don't know. We're being asked to get our heads round a massive new thing in relationships and it's not easy.

if i feel i have had been disrespected enough by my husband for some reason that i couldn’t even bear to look at him for the last few days… not sure ten minutes of a dozen posters i don’t know from adam telling me that they wouldn’t feel disrespected would flip it for me.

But each to their own

Ultimately there is no objective right or wrong in terms of what's ok in a relationship.
Some people aren't ok with porn.
While others have open relationships!
You get to set your rules, but you have to communicate your boundaries, and mutually agree to them.

Ultimately it sounds like you you have a sort of "out of sight is ok" situation with porn in your relationship and husband has broken it - but completely accidentally.

So you're justified in feeling upset - but it isn't really his fault. Kinda like if someone breaks something precious by accident - you get angry with them but ultimately it was just a wretched accident and you calm down and move on.

I'm pretty sure he'll have learned his lesson and it won't happen again!

He’s an idiot, everyone knows you should disable Bluetooth just in case.

You must surely be able to see you're both going to laugh one day about the time you turned the radio on to Debbie Does Dallas blasting out?

"I feel really disrespected by this, surely anyone would. Oh, it turns out that most people wouldn't find this a big deal, maybe this is my issue rather than something my partner has done wrong. I should try to work out why that is so it doesn't bother me in future"

Seems like a perfectly normal thought process to me. And quite refreshing that someone has asked AIBU, and then taken it on board when most people say "Yes, YABU"

She said it's helping her to see it differently. That's the point of these forums isn't it? To get others opinions.

yes but to be able to just flip your feelings because a dozen anonymous posters tell you they would feel differently?

Why wouldn't it? That's the whole purpose of AIBU surely, to help people work out whether they're overreacting about stuff.

can anonymous posters telling you something really make you go from upset, barely about to look at your husband for his disrespect to… oh ok then, all good?

Ok, while that's a perfectly acceptable boundary to have, it's also one I'd be very careful about introducing into an already established relationship.

Personally, I'd see it as a big red flag if a partner tried to control my bodily autonomy like that. Sometimes, I want a little five minutes alone time before I get out of bed in the morning, and I don't want to be banished to the bathroom or the shower in order to do it.

So I'd think very hard about where you draw the line.

"You're not allowed to wank while I'm in the house" would be a relationship ender for me, whereas "I'd prefer it if you tried to ensure I wasn't aware when you had a wank" would be perfectly acceptable to me (and in fact is how it works in my relationship)

Given that this is the first time you've caught him though, he's probably already doing this, so you have to be able to let it go when the rare slip ups happen.

Either way, you're trying to introduce a boundary into a relationship that wasn't there before, so you're always going to run the risk that you're not going to be able to come to a compromise and this is what ends it.

Wait for what? Until the next time he's got the house to himself? What if that's a really rare occurrence? I don't think it's that reasonable to tell someone they can only masturbate under specific conditions, to be honest. It's a very normal and healthy urge!

If your sex life is otherwise OK (and you already knew that he watches porn and don't care) then... does it matter, really, if he has a quick wank when you're in the shower and that he used porn for that?

If he typically wants sex less than you, or had just rejected an attempt from you to initiate sex before you went to have a shower, then that puts a very different slant on things, but otherwise I personally would accept that he's entitled to masturbate and that the porn is what he's using to hurry it along, basically. It isn't a rejection of you. Sex and masturbation are two different things. FWIW, I think most women have probably had a quick, um, release while their husband was in another room at some point in their lives too. If someone posted 'AIBU to masturbate in the shower as a quick release while my husband is still in bed?' I don't think you'd get many people saying YABU.

I completely understand why actually hearing it over Bluetooth was a bit grim - I don't think many people would choose to hear that! - but it's not like he did it deliberately to hurt or taunt you. It was a genuine mistake and I'm sure he's mortified.

I think you need to have a proper conversation about it, and just explain why it made you feel a bit weird, but at the same time accepting that it was just unfortunate that you heard it and not something he was doing to be horrible. In general, can you have honest conversations with each other about things like this.

so…..

basically say this to him

it doesn’t bode well for your marriage op that this incident results in days of you not able to even look at him

Totally agree with this. I’m anti-porn so it’s moot for me, but I don’t get why this particularly situation is problematic if you accept porn in your relationship. It feels to me like OP is basically saying she doesn’t want to feel like her OH is immediately looking at porn as soon as she leaves the room (as if he is specifically waiting for her to leave to do so) but that is exactly what she’s allowing by allowing porn. 🤷🏻‍♀️