AIBU to be upset she doesn’t remember my name?

My husbands best friend sent an invitation to his wedding to my husband and I and our girls ( 12 years together) to Husbands name, Julie, and both DDs names. My name is not Julie nor is it even close! Both husbands best friend and is go be wife has eaten in my house at least twice a month for the past 6 years have been to all parties life events and they don't know my name??? Husbands best friend knows me 12 years??? I'm not gonna lie I'm deeply offended!
So op no I do not think you are being unreasonable! My grandmother in law even knew my name even when she was 92 with dementia and she couldn't remember my name she remembered my cheesecake! I'm ok with that she remembered!

72 is not old. It is 100% deliberate.

Grow some confidence and raise the subject with her. “Oh Hilda, you didn’t write my name in the Xmas card? Did you forget my name is Ella?” You will be able to judge if it was done as a deliberate dig based on her reaction.

I don’t know if I’d bother facilitating contact between my DC and someone who finds me so insignificant they can’t be arsed to use my name. Kindly, I think you need to work on your self worth. You are a mother, a grown adult. Speak up, find your confidence.

I'm useless with names. I forgot what my DIL's father was called when I was writing the tags on their Christmas gifts, but I sent a message to my son asking his name to make sure I got it right.

She could have easily done that with the Christmas card.

I wouldn't waste time with any nonsense about calling her the wrong name etc. why play silly games ?
since you are conflict averse, (and because it is his family) your Dh needs to have a word, and not allow her to wave him away. next time he does it, he needs to say 'look gran, what is the problem with calling Govangirl by her name ? I've noticed you always avoid using it. it is rude and upsetting, her name is Ella, please call her by her name, we don;t want to fall out over it, we love you and enjoy seeing you, but you need to top this and make sure you use her name when you speak to her and on cards etc. '

He needs to refuse to let her avoid this topic and force the issue, if she says she doesn't like you, then you can move on to resolve that issue, if she doesn't like your name because of it associations then she need to grow up and get past that, a name isn't a person ,it doesn't carry characteristics.

I have always been awful with names. There is a woman at work called Jane and I always think she is Diana. It’s not my fault. She looks like a Diana 🤷🏼‍♀️

Tricky! I remember going to see my Nan when she was in a dementia home, I went with my dad and my two toddlers & in her muddled mind she knew the children were our family but thought I was my dad's new wife and wondered what he'd done with my mum and how long I'd been his partner? It wasn't for years and years like your issue (which may be more deliberate?) and dementia is different but it was a bit hurtful that she didn't know who I was!

And address the card to “The Owner”

Nah, she's not generally forgetful. She's repeatedly not using OP's name.

Sounds like she does this as she knows she can get away with it. She must get a little thrill out of trying to make you feel less than everyone else. I would be tempted to use humour to make a joke of it in front of people and embarrass her. She may never do it agaon or if she does you can make it a running joke. She'll see you differently when you stick up for yourself in a confident and non-confrontational way. Needs to be causual and light-hearted in a busy moment. For example I've said things like "I'm forever destined to be known only as DC's mum now" or "in another dimension I'm called (Ellie)" or perhaps say to DH "I've been reduced to being referred to as your wife, I knew it was a mistake marrying you" and have a wee laugh. Or something like "it's Ella. I know, it's quite hard to get right as it has 4 letters and 2 are the same. A bit more practice and maybe one day it will stick" and then quickly move on to talking to someone else. That last one is maybe a bit much and not to be done in front of others but could be a last resort.

I realise people will find all of those suggestions perhaps a little passive aggressive but they will likely do the trick and only need to happen once (unless she persists of course). It's very difficult for people to assert that you are being rude when you use humour. An apology and stating that you were just joking would be hard to come back at.

Wouldn’t really bother me, tbh, but I don’t think I could resist having a bit of fun and calling her a different name…

She knows your name, she's being a twat.

I'd ignore her every time she refers to you by the incorrect name, give her a puzzled look and say "who is [incorrect name]?" and then I'd probably start calling her by a random name every time I spoke to her until she gets the message. Then fob it off by saying you thought you were playing a cute game, but if her memory incapacity is real, perhaps it's time for a doctor's appointment etc...but I freely admit, I can be petty AF (amplified by PMS today!).

This woman was only 65 when OP and her husband got together. She wasn't ancient and there's no suggestion that she has memory problems.

Plus she has had 7 years to learn OP's name. She hasn't been too busy paying bills to remember OP's name for 7 years ffs.

Plus nobody puts "and wife" on a card. They definitely don't put "and his new wife" on a wedding card. If she genuinely couldn't remember her name she could have asked a family member.

It has to be deliberate.

Genius but one for all of you. When asked, DH can point out it was noticed she was so forgetful of names....

It might not be that she's forgotten your name, more that that's her way of addressing you. My mums 'old fashioned' relatives always addressed Xmas cards etc to Mrs Dad's Name...even though my dad's been dead for years so not even Mr&Mrs. I was my exs 2nd wifecand his uncle kept referring to our joint child as Naughty's Baby.
How does she refer to other 'add ons'? Do any granddaughters partners experience similar.
Tbh I think you are as much the problem. It's not overtly rude so others probably aren't even aware but if you chose not to speak up you've essentially accepted it.
Next time she does this asked her why she does this and mention it upsets you. It doesn't have to lead to a fight. There's a chance she may not even be aware and you seem to have an otherwise good relationship so she would probably be concerned she's upset you. You need to be assertive.
I bet there are other areas of your life where you've held back to avoid conflict. Make this your new year's revolution.

@Govangirl probably ignore it i.s the best thisng but in my head i would want to sign her birthday "Lots of love from Ella, husband and daughter xxxx"

Permanent marker pen + one of these badges. Wear it every time you see her?

DH and I have been together for over a decade and my 90yo granny spells his name wrong on every birthday and Christmas card. It's a common name with two equally common spellings, e.g. Iain vs Ian, or Geoff vs Jeff. She uses the wrong one every single time and it has now gone from embarrassing to funny.

However, at least she knows his name and has a go! OP, based on your updates, your DH's nan sounds awful and it's likely that her "forgetting" your name is deliberate. I wouldn't bother saying anything about it because she'll just deny it and twist it into you bullying her somehow.

Old age? She's 72 and has known the OP for 7 years!

What do you do? You smile, ignore it, and stop being so childish. In the grand scheme of things this is nothing.

This is dreadful. She has literally reduced you to an object; a wife to someone she loves and a mother to someone she loves. That is your only role. Incubator and partner. I'd stop sending cards or.gifts to her, let your husband deal with her.

Start getting her name wrong. That might sort it out. Refer to her as Nan or something that sounds vaguely like her name but clearly isn't. I had a neighbour (also was my landlord) who always pretended she had no idea who my mum was and acted each time like she'd never met her before despite seeing her regularly. Funnily enough she knew exactly who my partner's mother was, despite only meeting her twice as she lived abroad and rarely visited. It was very deliberate. She was trying to put my mum down, diminish her and just being a general bitch. It's quite a covert put down to be fair but it's definitely making a point.

She's doing it on purpose. No doubt. If she has learnt your children's names and remembers your mum's 'proper' name and has no other concerns with her memory there is no plausible reason why in 7 years she hasn't managed to remember your name. She knows what it is but for whatever reason is choosing not to use it. I don't like confrontation either but in this situation I would have to say something, or make husband say something. I don't think it's a silly thing to get upset over, it's just plain rude and disrespectful and your name is your identity so it's important. I think you need to take some action about this because she's not suddenly going to start using your name correctly.

Not a hill worth dying on. I would put it down to old age and move on .

As someone who is not good with names i'd say just forgive and forget you know she's not doing it out of badness, i'd say she just has a blind spot for your name. Maybe as she's been corrected she is now afraid of using it, as she will say the wrong thing hence using wife on card- thats what would happen with me, less she uses it less she will recall it.

I met a girl once called Sinead, i recalled it was an irish name when i met her again only a short few days later, but called her something else and to this day i now always have to think is she Sinead or other name, its like i implanted the wrong name.

It drives them mad at work, I can recall tiny details from work we did over ten years ago, will easily recall a conversation from years back, they literally will walk into my office to ask about a company or client , but don't ask me to tell you the name of the new girl who started in accounts 6 months ago it begins with an A ... ora client's first name for an email who i worked with for 5/6 years.

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