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Original poster

Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

580 replies

ProbablyAmy · 10/01/2024 10:51

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

  • they are only here half the time.
  • they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

OP posts:
Katbum · 10/01/2024 11:50

Also: I would not live in a home without a bath (have many times made housing choices on basis of no bath), as I love bathing and take baths most days. My DH also has a skin condition that is massively improved through bathing in medicated soak. So yes, for some bath is essential for a family home.

Original poster
ProbablyAmy · 10/01/2024 11:50

@Multipleexclamationmarks We could broach sharing with them, but they’ve been grumbling about sharing for a few years now and DP has promised them that they can have their own rooms.

OP posts:
shepherdsangeldelight · 10/01/2024 11:50

DD will be happy playing in communal spaces and doing homework on the kitchen table (or wherever) for at least a couple more years. And that's likely to coincide with one of the teens not coming round so much/going to university etc.

So I'd give DD the small room in the short term and move her in the longer term.

Also, not having a desk in their room is going to be a much bigger problem for a 14/15 year old than DD - they will have more homework and need to revise for exams! Or, where are you proposing that they study?

Katbum · 10/01/2024 11:49

If your DD is there full time and all her stuff is everywhere, yes she should have one of the bigger rooms. The boys can share, or one gets a smaller room. I had a tiny box room as a teenager, I loved it. My dad made a cabin bed and I used to read on a beanbag under the bunk, and do my work there. I had all my things on shelves and pinned to the walls. It was a little sanctuary. The idea that a small room is some injustice, especially when presumably both SSs have decent sized rooms at their mum's is silly. Why not get them excited for the possibilties of the smaller space by looking at living/storage solutions for small spaces (I love all the 'Tiny Homes' content on youtube, for example).

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2024 11:49

With 4 bedrooms, it’s highly likely the largest would accommodate an en-suite. Even if not a full one, you could add a shower in your room.

It really is all about him op. Him needing a bath / bigger shower. If you have financed 50/50, you should have as near as damn 50% of the space.

as others have said, show the floor plans. Some of us have renovated a few house and can help.

Original poster
ProbablyAmy · 10/01/2024 11:48

@Atethehalloweenchocs She probably could just about fit all her stuff, if we went down the ikea, lots of storage up, down and everywhere route. Plus a cabin bed with a desk underneath. There still wouldn’t be much floor space however, and the double wardrobe still wouldn’t work.

I just don’t think this makes sense when she could have a larger bedroom that comfortably fits all her things. The step children only need a bed and could manage with a single wardrobe. They don’t play in their rooms, they don’t need lots of floor space, they don’t have lots of toys or belongings…

OP posts:
Multipleexclamationmarks · 10/01/2024 11:48

Would his boys consider sharing the bigger bedroom and also having the small one as a chill out room with tv, xbox etc in so they can still get space from each other? this leaves the other large bedroom for your dc.

MimiSunshine · 10/01/2024 11:46

names not babes

orangegato · 10/01/2024 11:46

Double or triple the pocket money for whoever ops for the small room. Easy peasy.

MimiSunshine · 10/01/2024 11:46

It will just have to be babes out of a hat. It’s the only fair way. Or you live with a small bathroom.

dunodonny · 10/01/2024 11:45

I'd say dd gets largest room, 15 ur old second and 14 year old third.

dorry678 · 10/01/2024 11:44

You won't seem mean, you sit all three down, you explain we are a blended family now and you will all be treated fairly and equally.
Names are in this hat... or we roll a dice.

It's how every disagreement is sorted with multiples so no one feels favoured. (in my house 😂)

Fluffyowls · 10/01/2024 11:44

With 5 people in the house, a second shower would be more useful than 1 large one. The single room doesn't sound fair to any of the children, I had single rooms growing up but there was still room for a desk, drawers and wardrobe. I think you're going too small with the fourth room.

Original poster
ProbablyAmy · 10/01/2024 11:44

@pushbaum Yes, we agree that a proper family bathroom is important.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 10/01/2024 11:44

I am sorry, your 9 year old cannot fit into a single bedroom? Are you for real?

Woodandsky · 10/01/2024 11:43

I think staying with you 50/50 is a lot, and your home is basically their home and should be treated as such, they are not occasional visitors.

I would go with allocating room by age - oldest gets the largest, but when any of them move out or go to uni they swap to get the smallest room for holidays / visits.

Your daughter will be able to manage in a small room with a cabin bed or similar, plus it's good for young kids to play in the communal areas where you can keep an eye on them.

dazedandconfuzzed · 10/01/2024 11:43

can you add another wall and make 3 singles, so they can have a single each and a games room to share?

pushbaum · 10/01/2024 11:42

ProbablyAmy · 10/01/2024 10:51

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

  • they are only here half the time.
  • they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Have you asked an architect? Can you show us plans? How small is the single room?
As others have suggested, maybe you should consult with the two older dcs, they could surprise you with a solution.

A decent bathroom is definitely necessary for a family that size - it's not just for washing/going to the loo, it also has to store toiletries etc.

Bagpuss2022 · 10/01/2024 11:42

No way is it fair on your daughter as they are there 50%. I’m positive if you actually speak to the boys they will just be happy to have their own rooms as they have been sharing and maybe a sweetener of a new laptop for the one who gets the smaller room

LuluBlakey1 · 10/01/2024 11:42

Is there another space DD could have as an extra room eg a snug or a study? Somewhere she could keep all her toys, have a sofa and a desk?

Yoyoban · 10/01/2024 11:41

That being said, I'd be pissed off with your DH promising his kids the best rooms without discussion, and then making his speaking out of turn your problem

Burlap · 10/01/2024 11:40

Can you bribe the teenage boys with sharing a room. So boys share one double, girl has one double and the single room is games room/chill room for for all of them eg desk for console and tv, table to do Lego, comfy chair for reading or whatever it is all three enjoy doing.

Original poster
ProbablyAmy · 10/01/2024 11:40

@dorry678 That’s one of my biggest gripes, he promised them the bedrooms off the floor plan before we’d even moved in! I repeatedly told him to stop promising rooms until we actually knew what the plan was, but he ignored me and steamrolled ahead. It means I am going to seem mean if they are now asked to swap rooms.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 10/01/2024 11:39

Do you have to take all the extra space off one room?

I love a bath but wouldn't make the change your making to get one.

FlippityFloppityFlump · 10/01/2024 11:37

You could give the boys 2 options. One gets the bigger and one the smaller room - unless they can agree who, it will be a coin flip.

Or they share the biggest bedroom and have the single room as their extra chill out area with a sofa bed, games console, tv, etc