Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

Your DH sounds like an idiot.

Your DD gets a big room non-negotiable. Your DH should decide what happens re the remaining rooms as it was his error. He doesn’t get to pin this on you, you take a step back and don’t get involved, other than to ensure your DD gets an appropriate room.

This would have made me reevaluate whether I want to be with him TBH! He clearly doesn’t respect you or your thoughts.

Jeez your DP has created all this stress. Give your daughter one of the doubles. Boys- one has a double, one a single. Kit both rooms out with something they would really like, games console seems like a popular choice. Tell boys they will rotate rooms to make it fair.
Explain your daughters room will be decorated more girly and not befitting the trendy teen boys. Let them choose bedding, lamps etc.
Yes they may kick up a fuss, but these things pass and ultimately they will both have peace and quiet in their own rooms.

One bathroom - whatever size - doesn't seem enough for 5 people.
And do you really need a bath?

Instead of moving a wall, could you fit another bath/shower room elsewhere? En-suite perhaps? Glory-hole?

I think the fairest would be to explain to the children someone has to have a smaller room and draw it out of a hat, then reassess in a couple of years if necessary.

I agree they shouldn't have been promised a bigger room.

Do can't just promise the earth and then, when plans are finalised, leave you to be the bearer of bad news - esp when it just leaves you looking like you're favouring your daughter over his children.
He needs to be part of the discussion about what's sensible for everyone concerned.

However, growing up, it was always the youngest that had the smaller room so I'm not sure how you go about choosing which of the boys gets the smaller room over your daughter. A conversation might reveal that one of them isn't all that bothered so I'd start with that - but as a discussion with you AND your DP, not just you.

😂

I never said contact stopped. DC is now almost 30, healthy and all round amazing.

More renovation work probably and I haven’t read the whole thread so don’t know if it has been suggested already but could you not also split the biggest of the bedrooms so that you then have 3 singles, you and DH have next biggest bedroom, then final double is used as a gaming space/playroom for DD with sofa bed for guests?

Are you contributing to the house equally?

If so, you can also point out that you are getting a raw deal. He is getting two large bedrooms for his children while you are getting just one small bedroom for your child.

Do let him walk all over you.

The boys live 50 / 50 so why is it the other house that contains a room full of their things? Is this house not their home too?

If the boys already have another residence where they have a room filled with their things then your DD should not have the smallest room. They already have a space to store their things and although you want them to be happy and comfortable at your home your DD only has one house and one room. Ideally she should take priority with space.

This. Seems like a no-brainer to me.

@DuchessPotato
A storage room? shared with other visitors...so the spare room? Visitors slept on a camp bed?

There was no apology BUT I"M SURE YOU KNOW THAT!

Yes your child chose to stop visiting a parent, you did a great job! (that's more sarcasm btw) It would have been better for them to articulate their needs if they weren't being met. (or for you to help them) Long term his/her mental health will be impacted by failing to keep in touch with/have healthy relationship with both parents.

I think you have have a chip on you shoulder that you passed to your child.

Daughter gets a double room, boys share a double room, single room is a dressing room for boys.

If the boys already have another residence where they have a room filled with their things then your DD should not have the smallest room. They already have a space to store their things and although you want them to be happy and comfortable at your home your DD only has one house and one room. Ideally she should take priority with space. As others suggest you can try talking about this with the boys but ultimately you and your husband are the adults here and you will need to make the decision. Either way they are getting their wish and having their own rooms which is a far better deal than they have in their other home.

In regards to breaking the news to them, it would be nice if you did it together. However, is your husband is adamant that he will not inform them you will have to bite the bullet and do it yourself. Just be prepared to be labelled as the evil stepmother. This should also be a lesson to your husband to not make promises he cannot 100% deliver on.

I wouldn’t extend the bathroom just now. It’s not a huge priority and saves the issue with the bedroom. The chances are, your husband’s children will be staying less and less in the next 5-6 years once they approach adulthood. I would get a bath installed once his eldest is away to uni or got a job and his own place or whatever. I certainly wouldn’t be putting your DD in a smaller room in any scenario though.

This.

Big difference in property value for 4 doubles vs 3 and a box.

In fairness they live both there and their other home.

And you @ProbablyAmy and DP are only finding this out now? Any sensible person can instantly tell if a bath needs to be enlarged to ADD/ MAKE room for a bath. If not, that is a sensible reason to give to the DSC as to why there is now a single room.

My view: The person who lives at home requires a bigger room. However, if your contribution to the household and household budget is minimal, then DP is right to want bigger rooms for his children, if that's how he feels about your DD and your relationship with him- measured in what DD had previously and what change your presence in his life or to the family he feels.

Sorry, ultimately, it is what your DH feels about the above. If you had chosen a shitty DP, MN cannot help otherwise.

HNRWT

If dd is there pretty much full time then yes she should get the bigger room. especially given she'll use it much more than the teens will use theirs when they are at your house. Teens don't have stacks of stuff, not like younger children.

So basically your DP has messed up by promising.
So you need to speak to the teens and tell them that the plans have changed because you need to make a bigger bathroom and therefore either:

1. one of them takes the smallest bedroom or
2. They share the larger room and use the smaller one as a 'den'/'games room' whatever.

People who LIVE in the home have precedence over those who don’t live there full time.

@Stompythedinosaur why does having a smaller room feel like being downgraded? Plenty of houses have different size rooms and most I know would give the bigger room to the person who needs it and would benefit from it most. In this case it's the daughter who is there more than the other DC and has more items, toys etc.

It is your daughters main residence therefore she gets a room to accommodate her.
The older of the two boys has the smaller room due to less toys/space needed to play. Decent cabin bed and he’ll have a chill space aswell as a bed.
Common sense!

I would rethink your plans about the bathroom: you are de-valuing your house by diminishing prime bedroom space for a bath no one uses. We took ours out and put a high end rainforest shower type single shower cubicle in. You’re making a costly mistake.

It isn't fair for the dc who is 50:50 not to have a decent room. It's still their home and they are there a lot.

I think it's reasonable to give a larger room to the younger dc as they tend to have more stuff and need floorspace for playing.

Maybe see if your eldest would go in the single?

Personally I'd save changing the bathroom for a few years before I made a dc feel they'd been downgraded.

definitely this, when there are 5 of you in the house you will need 2 shower rooms

Also, if they were sharing it's still an upgrade getting your own room regardless of size! Surely one of the boys can see that taking the small room is still an upgrade from currently sharing