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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just not be able to get over this?

62 replies

KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:14

Been married for 4 years. We have 2 children each from previous relationships. All older teens/adults.

Throughout our marriage my husband has not worked. I have only had a minimum wage job, despite a good education. I am currently waiting for autism assessment as I find a lot of things very difficult but have always 'masked up' and got on with working. I made a tough decision 2 years ago to leave the job I had worked at for 12 years in order to retrain, to purposely try and get a better income.

I pay all the rent, all the bills, everything. He uses his credit card for this and I pay him back, so consequently he has a great credit report whereas I do not.

I am just not feeling happy in this relationship any more. He is so controlling and I just feel like I'm at work all the time. Is it right to feel so joyless and hopeless? I've never had a 'successful' relationship and I've tried to talk to people in real life and they just shut me down instantly.

AIBU to be feeling so low about this? I just feel like I'm being financially manipulated.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:31

Yes he was working until we got married.

OP posts:
OurfriendsintheNE · 07/01/2024 08:26

Don’t apologise at all. You’re absolutely right to be assessing this. Your happiness IS important and it’s up to you to grab it with both hands.

Teenagersscarethelivinshitoutofme · 07/01/2024 08:25

Was he working when you were dating him? If not, this is kind of what you signed up for. Time for a big conversation.

OurfriendsintheNE · 07/01/2024 08:25

Ditch him. He’s freeriding. Honestly it sounds like you would be a hell of a lot better off without him. What’s your housing situation?

Original poster
KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:25

I'm not getting anything out of it, I'm just lying to myself that it will all be OK. I've always been told that my happiness isn't important. I just think I've always been manipulated by others and allowed it due to piss poor boundaries.

Sorry for the pity party!!

OP posts:
Original poster
KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:21

I literally have never had a successful relationship with anybody, apart from my children. My mum just keeps saying "you've made your bed and now you've got to lay in it" before I even mention anything about our relationship. I just feel so lost.

OP posts:
Needapadlockonmyfridge · 07/01/2024 08:20

What are you getting out of this relationship?
Might be worth reconsidering.

Greycottage · 07/01/2024 08:19

Give him an ultimatum - get a job or it’s over.

What right does this idiot have to be controlling when he contributes nothing to your life.

Original poster
KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:18

A history of mental health issues and just refusing to do so.

OP posts:
rosie1959 · 07/01/2024 08:17

Is there a reason your husband cannot work ?

Maray1967 · 07/01/2024 08:16

You’re feeling exploited because you are being exploited .

Why doesn’t he work?

TwilightSkies · 07/01/2024 08:15

Jesus no. What does he do? In life and in the relationship?