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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to just not be able to get over this?

62 replies

KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:14

Been married for 4 years. We have 2 children each from previous relationships. All older teens/adults.

Throughout our marriage my husband has not worked. I have only had a minimum wage job, despite a good education. I am currently waiting for autism assessment as I find a lot of things very difficult but have always 'masked up' and got on with working. I made a tough decision 2 years ago to leave the job I had worked at for 12 years in order to retrain, to purposely try and get a better income.

I pay all the rent, all the bills, everything. He uses his credit card for this and I pay him back, so consequently he has a great credit report whereas I do not.

I am just not feeling happy in this relationship any more. He is so controlling and I just feel like I'm at work all the time. Is it right to feel so joyless and hopeless? I've never had a 'successful' relationship and I've tried to talk to people in real life and they just shut me down instantly.

AIBU to be feeling so low about this? I just feel like I'm being financially manipulated.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 07/01/2024 08:53

Crikey OP,how are you supporting all these adults on the minimum wage? You must be staggering under the weight of it all.

Never mind the credit score, that's a red herring he's fed you to disempower you. Concentrate on your work and any benefits you are entitled to.

LittlePudding1 · 07/01/2024 08:51

You definitely need to tell him to leave
How old are your kids and do they live with you?
Does his adult child that lives with you work and contribute anything to the household? If so, don't they ever comment about their Dad not working and you doing everything or do they just see it as the norm?

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 07/01/2024 08:48

KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:21

I literally have never had a successful relationship with anybody, apart from my children. My mum just keeps saying "you've made your bed and now you've got to lay in it" before I even mention anything about our relationship. I just feel so lost.

Is there any wonder you have set yourself a low bar for love and respect form a man with a mother who is an unsupportive as this??

You know who won’t financially abuse you or treat you like this? Yourself!!!

The best relationship you will ever have is with yourself, sounds like you have your head screwed on and ambition, don’t waste your life on this leech of a man!!!

TwilightSkies · 07/01/2024 08:44

Don’t take advice from your mum!

Spend time reflecting on YOU. Your needs, your wants, your happiness. You need to put yourself first because nobody else will.

BringItOnxxx · 07/01/2024 08:44

Not the main issue, but you can get a credit card and boost your credit score yourself surely?

Willmafrockfit · 07/01/2024 08:44

dont listen to your dm

ask your dh to shape up or ship out

daisychain01 · 07/01/2024 08:44

You have less complexity than you think.

you don't own property together, your name is in the lease of the house you rent and you don't have shared children.

you aren't happy with the relationship and you aren't getting anything from it apart from him with no job or income and his kids.

time for him and his kids to leave. Be bold, you can do this!

BCBird · 07/01/2024 08:44

I feel for u OP. I don't think it is fair he is not working. Is this a choice thing ? If he is not well enough to work then surely he is entitled to some help from.benefits, particularly as you say u are on minimum wage. If this is not the case he needs to find a job. Don't pay his credit cards. It doesn't sound as if he is adding anything to your life. One last thing, your happiness does matter. Imagine u had a friend who was single and ur husband was single. Would u introduce him to ur friend? No? Then he's not good enough for you is he? Good luck OP

CameltoeParkerBowles · 07/01/2024 08:43

cutlery · 07/01/2024 08:38

Ignore that. You haven't got kids together. There's no reason not to divorce

Show quote history

Exactly. 'You made your bed...' is such a horrible expression anyway. You can, figuratively, chuck out an old bed and buy yourself a new single one! You don't have to live with bad decisions that you have the power to change.

rainbowstardrops · 07/01/2024 08:43

The only person benefitting from this is your lazy arse husband.
If it's your house, I'd be kicking him out pronto. You wouldn't be any worse off would you?!

pickledandpuzzled · 07/01/2024 08:41

Man who everyone knows is an arsehole behaves like an arsehole.

What’s really worrying you? Why has it hurt so much? Was it because he was talking to the children? In front of your children?
The others there backed you up, so it’s not that. What specifically has got under your skin? Is he right, would you like to be married, deep down?

StasisMom · 07/01/2024 08:41

Wouldn't you just be happier on your own?!

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/01/2024 08:41

KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:31

Yes he was working until we got married.

I think that's her acknowledgement that your relationship is not working. Nobody says that about a good husband.

Grimchmas · 07/01/2024 08:40

Chuck him out, it's time for the free gravy train to end. Nobody would be happy with this arrangement, OP.

cutlery · 07/01/2024 08:38

KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:21

I literally have never had a successful relationship with anybody, apart from my children. My mum just keeps saying "you've made your bed and now you've got to lay in it" before I even mention anything about our relationship. I just feel so lost.

Ignore that. You haven't got kids together. There's no reason not to divorce

Original poster
KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:38

No, one lives with us in our front room. The other lives with his mum. They are both adults, in their mid twenties.

OP posts:
NotYourBrain · 07/01/2024 08:38

Send this cockloadger back to his mummy

Missingmyusername · 07/01/2024 08:37

KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:21

I literally have never had a successful relationship with anybody, apart from my children. My mum just keeps saying "you've made your bed and now you've got to lay in it" before I even mention anything about our relationship. I just feel so lost.

Previous generations mostly did much to their detriment.
You’re carrying around a dead weight! Of course you don’t have to stay in the marriage, your in the strong position here (rarely seen on mn) it should be a lot easier.

He’s not on the lease? Excellent.
Sit down, tell him you aren’t happy and would like to separate /divorce. He can go to his mum’s.

cutlery · 07/01/2024 08:37

Is he claiming out of work benefits?
I'm guessing his kids live with their mother? And he's paying minimal maintenance?

CameltoeParkerBowles · 07/01/2024 08:36

Well, if the flat/house is in your name, and he contributes nothing, chuck him out. He sounds like a cocklodger, and not a particularly charming one. Don't add him to your lease.
It's much better to be on your own than stuck with someone who adds nothing to your life.

Spirallingdownwards · 07/01/2024 08:36

Tell him it's over and he needs to leave. He can go back to mummy and she can support him.

Clarinet1 · 07/01/2024 08:35

To coin an MN phrase, sounds as if you’ve got yourself a cocklodger. Sorry - but you deserve better so steel your nerves and LTB.

Toooldtoworry · 07/01/2024 08:35

I think it's time to kick him out I'm afraid. Either he'll want to get back together and get a job or he won't and you'll be exponentially happier.

Redpeonies · 07/01/2024 08:34

Sounds like he is the only one benefiting from this arrangement, I wouldn't call it a marriage.

Original poster
KatheKollander66 · 07/01/2024 08:32

I've never added him onto my lease, even though he keeps badgering me to do so. He paid rent to his mum before we married when he lived with her.

OP posts: