AIBU to just not be able to get over this?

You aren't full of self pity. YOUR happiness is VERY important. Stop apologising. You don't deserve the situation you are in. Caring and supporting needs to be mutual and shared; not one sided. Wishing you the strength to get out of this. You have achieved so much

Don't give him an ultimatum. Tomorrow morning just tell him that he and his kids have got to go. The kids can go back to their mum's house and he can go wherever the hell he likes, probably he'll go back to his own mum's.

Take no notice of your mother. She doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Is he paying all the bills with a credit card and then you are paying it off?? Are they all in his name?

So on paper it looks like he is paying for all the bills?

You mentioned financial control and if this is how things are working I wonder how this came to be? Did he threaten you?

What would happen if you just change the bills to your name?

I don’t know how this would work in practice and whether you would need his permission or involvement (if all the utility companies view him as the “bill payer”)

God no wonder you are miserable. You have replaced his mother and who would find that attractive?

Get rid of him to show your children some standards!

Imagine them going on to date losers because that is what you showed them life and relationships was all about?

I mean you could say anyone who is single has never had a “successful relationship” as they’ve all ended, unless they’re a widow of course.

I was just going to say this @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing. Why are you telling yourself things like this OP?

If a relationship ends, that doesn't mean you've 'failed'. In fact, it can indicate healthy boundaries and good self esteem/self worth/self respect, which is far more important than staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy just so you can tell yourself and everyone else the relationship is 'successful'.

Do you look at long-term single people and judge their character based on the fact they don't have a partner? Do you, deep down, believe that a long relationship is always something to be admired, even if behind closed doors that relationship is miserable?

A person's relationship status does not define them. And judging your own self worth based on some arbitrarily defined 'successful/not successful' relationship is really, really unhealthy.

He's a complete loser. Get rid of him, he brings nothing to the table you're better off being single.

Fuck that, I'd just get rid of him.

You don't need anyone's permission to kick him out. You also don't have to continue being in a relationship for any reason when you don't want to. Your mum is wrong.

You get rid- he’s totally living off you as a kind of parasite. Plus he’s controlling to boot! Bin him!

Get some counselling to talk through your history of bad relationships if you think there’s a pattern.

I mean you could say anyone who is single has never had a “successful relationship” as they’ve all ended, unless they’re a widow of course.

My biggest fear would be the cash situation, should your cash flow go belly up how would the credit card get paid? The whole situation is dire

What is the house situation? I would dump him, it sounds like you’ve had enough.

Leave him you sound like you’ll be so much happier and may find a sense of freedom and enjoyment in your life with just you and your DC

But why? How did that happen? I’m presuming the OP has a bank account-just change the rent/bills so that they come out of her account.

It doesn’t really matter what the reasons are, if you’re not happy then end things.

Don’t waste your life in an unhappy relationship.

Whose home do you live in?

Does he receive disability benefits?

get rid of him and his children and then get some serious counselling.

Pack his bags.

Change the locks.

File for divorce.

Why are you not just paying the bills directly? Can you start doing that or would he react badly?

Ok. This rings alarm bells - he pays all the bills on his CC and you pay him back.

You are literally enabling him to have a good credit rating. A good credit rating isn't magic, it is created by having a record of taking on debt and paying it back regularly and on time. He may also be able to argue in a divorce that he contributed equally. Are the bills in his name? Have you kept records of the money you transfer to him for these bills?

Get out now whilst it would still be considered a short marriage (unless you had been together for many years prior to getting married). That way you might not have to share anything financial with him. It's possible your pension is worth more than his for example. I'm guessing there are no savings or other assets that could be included in the division of assets.

You would be so much better off in every aspect without him.

She said he pays on his credit card but she pays the credit card bill off. So on paper he looks like he is paying

“You’ve made your bed” is such a shitty way of robbing you of any kind of agency or happiness in your own life - ignore your mum, OP, she’s not helping you.

Anyhow, a 4 year marriage with no kids involved is hardly ‘making a bed’ - this man and his adult child have basically moved into your family home and proceeded to sponge off you, it’s hardly like you’ve built a life from scratch together that’ll be impossible to dismantle.

He’s the very definition of a cocklodger, @KatheKollander66. Plus controlling and financially abusive. It sounds like you were shouldering enough before you even met him, and rather than him acting like a true partner and helping to lighten your load, he’s just jumped on your back and added to the burden. He clearly gives you no support and brings you no joy or happiness - does he add anything positive to your life at all?

Good for you for keeping him off your lease - easier to get him out again. Think how much nicer and freer life would be for you and your DC without him and his sofa-surfing kid taking up all your space, leeching your money and adding to your mental load.

Does the adult child that lives with you pay his own way?

You’re both at fault - him for being a lazy arse and you for putting up with it.
Get rid of him, raise your standards and you’ll be a lot happier.

I pay all the rent, all the bills, everything

If everything is in your name and you’re the only one working, how is it that he has the good credit score and you don’t?

Run far and fast, op. There is absolutely no benefit to you in this arrangement. Don't look back.