Please share your positive stories of a autistic and ADHD child later in their life.

sorry to hear that about your personal situation. Did wonder if that was the case cos of his absence from your OP.

I hope this stage is the rock bottom for you that creates even the smallest bit of positive change.

@PercolatedFish Do you have a social worker who can do an a carer assessment for you and look at what help you can get locally ?

Some local authorities fund respite care especially if you are getting to the stage your son's condition is negatively impacting other family members .

Sorry if this has already been suggested .

Try to get lots of outdoor time or even go for a car ride . I know it's hard when it's cold but I find that when this are difficult at home I take the kids for a walk, a stroll around the shops or a car ride and it really helps to get away from the dishes , the washing , the 4 walls at home .

Surviving Reflux Ireland is an amazing Facebook group to help parents with babies with reflux. Nothing Ireland specific in it but great advice and strategies. Having lived through reflux I know how stressful that alone is. It will get better.

I’m glad others’ posts have given you much needed hope you asked for in your OP.

Although I am not in your situation, your posts struck me for your unwavering support, determination and expert knowledge for your children in a nearly impossible situation.

You said you don’t want him picking up more unhelpful behaviours in the educational setting you were offered such as non verbalism.
true for any educational setting he attends that there will be a negative impact(and vice versa, he models his presentation of asd/adhd to others in new social interactions).

when the next offer of a place comes, for your survival and mental health maybe better to compromise with quality of his education and take it even with reservations.
wishing you luck and better LA support in future.

Husband and you sound like you’re heading for a crash if he doesn’t step up to do stuff you relinquish over to him.

We were told many kids can essentially 'grow out' of ADHD by their 20s and I have to say it looks like DC is heading that way.

There is no need for people to get irate about this comment as it was a highly regarded psychiatrist who said it and I've since done my own research. Yes it's a neurological disorder but our brains still develop until our twenties so clearly things can change. Even among the most conservative of study (Barkley) its acknowledged that somewhere in the region 14 - 50% will recover from it and no longer meet the criteria for diagnosis. They also said much the same on the specialist parenting classes I attended (requirement in many trusts before the meds are prescribed)

Not interested in a bun fight. What were were told would possibly happen looks like it is and dc are thriving. There's definitely hope.

Not my child but my husband has autism (PDA) and ADHD.

He was kicked out of multiple schools abd nurseries, had no idea about appropriate behaviour, his mum was told he wouldn’t learn to read til age 15. Was extremely destructive and could be violent.

He now works in financial services as a tech consultant and is a wonderful husband who is incredibly self aware of his struggles and how to manage them.

That sounds really tough! It's not at all unusual for male partners to behave that way with SEN, sadly.

You definitely need someone in your corner. Maybe that will be the GP. Tell them everything. Print out your OP - it's very clear.

Can you see if you can get a Home Start volunteer?

I think if the paediatrician is wiling to prescribe and you want to having read the book, you may have to jettison the family member's "help". They might come round if you call their bluff.

Your partner needs to make himself available to mind the DC for your important appointments or pay for a babysitter. At a minimum! (I realise finding a sitter would be v hard - we've often used trusted friends as one-offs).

My DH almost certainly has ADHD and ASD (we realised when DD was diagnosed) and he went to Cambridge, became an engineer and has a good career, hobbies and friends. He has struggled a lot with depression and self-image but no more than anyone.

He finds being a parent tough but he tries hard.

www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Guide-ADHD-Medicines/dp/1787755681/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1YM93YINSS3XH&keywords=adhd+medication+parents&qid=1705221357&sprefix=adhd+medicatiion+parents+%2Caps%2C88&sr=8-1

I found this book really helpful. I decided not to medicate my AuDHD child for the moment but it left me feeling very well informed if I decide to in future. She is on melatonin though. My dad is like your unhelpful relative. Thinks doctors are all quacks, despite them saving his life a few years ago, and my mum just bleats "all this is outside my experience" when I try to share my struggles with EHCP etc. Well yes mum - it was outside mine too till I experienced it!

Are there others with SEN in the wider family? My parents cannot and will not speak of my sister's (undiagnosed) probable additional needs...

I think you need counselling so you can unburden yourself of your feelings safely. Where is your partner in all this? Of course someone's got to pay the bills, but you're in an extremely difficult situation here. Could he step up more? Does he really realise how bad things are? Is he using work to avoid them?

I am in a Facebook group for PDA parents and quite a few are single mums whose partners have buggered off after finding the child/children too difficult.

Yours has brought a new baby into an already difficult situation...

On the plus side I've been amazed how my DD has improved between 7 and 11. 7 was definitely a low point.

How would this relative know about the medication unless you told them? The slow release ones are one pill in the morning and that's it. They have been a game changer for us. They're also absolutely not addictive like anti depressants or SSRIs, which some of our relatives were concerned about. We often don't medicate at weekends or over holidays to allow food intake to catch up as the med a are an appetite suppressant. The rest of the time we do a high calorie breakfast and offer snacks before bed once the meds have worn off.

Seriously though. Try them on the QT and see. Friendships became somewhat possible, school exclusions receded, work was completed where it hadn't even been started previously!

I was so hesitant but it was absolutely the right decision.

OP contact SENDiass, they are in every local area and are a charity specifically to support children and carers with SEND. They know the law inside out and can advocate for you and your child.
IME, adhd meds help. Not always dramatically but I’m very useful ways. More able to focus on a conversation so it is two way, far less impulsive, fewer noises made, all help family life 😊

Ds1 (ASD) had a “bad patch” that lasted 2-8 basically. But is now the most delightful 17 year old you would ever care to meet. Appling for university is excited about his future and opportunities.

DS2 (ADHD). Has bad waves but is bonkers and brilliant. He is getting much better and recognising what he is and isn’t capable of. And then putting plans in place to help him do the stuff he finds hard. He’s 14 and at current rate of progress is probably going to be a functioning independent adult (if loopy).

Primary education: they went to a small private school (which wasn’t brilliant for them but did the job). Had this not been an option I would have home educated.

I gave up meeting people on mass or groups very early on as it wasn’t good for me or the boys. We’d all come away in tears.

I’ve read lots and lots of books, articles and blogs and done a ton of training.

My nephew has ADHD, ASD and brain damage and some signs of Tourette's. He is a wonderful, calm, sweet and funny 23 year old man who has a lovely life with my DSis and DBiL. The school years were a hellscape at times. There is light at the end of the tunnel x

Thanks for starting this post. I too have children with special needs and my oldest is particularly challenging, with complex needs. Also waiting for specialist provision and endless battles with EHCPs and LA. I understand your feelings and the desperation - message me if you would like to chat. It’s good to read positive outcomes though!

My brother not my child.
Autism and pda, non verbal, learning disability
Now works part time, drives and has a partner.

You really can't be controlled by another person saying they will withdraw support if you medicate - this doesn't allow you to make the best decisions for your children. Can you afford some paid help instead? Even if only for an hour or two? Also the groups I mentioned were for support for you, not to take your son to.

I taught in a SEN school until I retire after covid . One particularly r student I taught with autism fixated on airport and now works at Manchester A irport checking luggage another loved Buses and now helps to travel train other young adults. Obviously they were high functioning but they have done really well using their traits as a positive. In mainstream education I'm sure lots of very successful scientists have autistic traits which help them to really focus. It's only recently that these terms have been used.

@PercolatedFish, I just thought of you and thought to see how your day has been ?

I hope things are getting better for you.

I forgot to ask if your child is verbal ?

That is really tough re: the relative who will withdraw helping you choose to try medication. What is their issue with it?

Re: schools - is there any possibility of scraping together funds for an independent school? Something like a Montessori or a Steiner school? We were facing ‘school refusal’ when our DC was at pre-school, and were fortunate enough that a relative offered to help us pay for a small unassuming private school locally with a reputation for doing really well with bright ND kids. It’s been fantastic for us. And it’s not as expensive as other independent schools because it doesn’t have all the bells and whistles - sport, fancy premises etc. It’s been a lifesaver.