To feel like I never have a ‘nice time’ with my children

Sometimes though, when they're up at 6 absolute latest, you can have done drawing/painting and baking by 11am and still have 8 hours of day to fill. It's one reason I was relieved when DS started school last year.

Most of us, if we are lucky, have good memories from holidays or trips out as dc though don’t we? So I wouldn’t worry too much op!

It could have been hellish for my parents but I remember building sandcastles and riding on a donkey at the beach. A fun time sitting at the top of a small crag in the Lake District, and playing in a stream. I also remember throwing up in the car, on a ferry and at the top of some hotel stairs 🤢

Dc don’t comprehend the amount of stress, , money and organisation, that goes in to facilitating a holiday.

It’s like Christmas losing its shine somewhat as an adult when you realise that it’s up to you to create the magic rather than just enjoying it!

In summary, your dc are probably having a much better time than you imagine op!

Please stop arguing or I’ll eat the bloody Mars. Please stop crying no I won’t ACTUALLY eat it.

@LegoDeathTrap omg I feel so validated because this is basically word for word how my interactions with my dd go.

If you don't stop whining we're going straight home! ...OK yes I understand you're very sorry, please calm down now we won't suddenly go home...

I booked the local safari park with our annual passes on Friday. Had notions of a really lovely day with DS, doing the boat or train, getting lunch, and seeing the aforementioned giraffes. Haha.

However, DS wanted to sit in his PJs and build Lego, so we didn't go (no money lost, obviously). I think sometimes, particularly now he is school age so everywhere is busy on any day we are free to go, the idea of somewhere is better than the reality of driving 40 minutes, praying it doesn't rain, dragging coats and a heavy bag, snacks, water bottle etc. round a big attraction.

Soft play gets a kicking but sometimes the kids just want to climb about and scream on their own steam while mummy or daddy gets a coffee. And we can walk there!

I always say kids ruin everything 🤣
The problem we have is that we have an idea in our heads about how a day out should look, thank you social media 🙄, and then when it, inevitably, goes pear shaped we feel like we've failed. Kids can be arseholes, especially when they've had a day out as they're most likely either tired or overstimulated or both. I think we just need to accept this and actually realise that on the whole, the day out was a success.

I massively agree with this. My middle is a dream, eldest can be difficult but a teen so hormonal? Youngest makes me cry almost every day.

All parented the same.

I’ve had enough today. Can’t fucking wait for Monday, back to school and a breather for me.

Hahaha!! I remember this last year. We took DS aged 6. He was loving it, living his best life.

Saw families with slightly younger kids/ babies and toddlers. And honestly, it looked like no fun for anyone in those families. Kids crying, parents arguing, parents shouting and storming off.

@Pleasehelpimexhausted it gets better as the kids get older. Promise

You're not a shit mum. I didn't enjoy the baby and toddler years. Just felt permanently exhausted and on edge. DC are now 6 and 9 and although they have their moments it's a much easier age - they can wake up themselves, go downstairs and switch the TV on, they can amuse themselves while I do things around the house, they can be chucked in the car at short notice without me having to fill bottles, find snacks, time naps etc. Actually tonight DS is having a sleepover in DDs bedroom and they're just upstairs chatting away with torches on. I don't doubt I'm not far away from meltdowns but trying to make the most of it.

I find the days we do less are more enjoyable. or where we go somewhere very child friendly, like a park or softplay then I can listen to a podcast or audio book while they play. They are 4 and 18mo so still need a lot of input but I can still listen to something and it makes it more enjoyable for me.

You’re not a shit Mum. I think we can put too much pressure on ourselves to have exciting, wholesome days out and sometimes it doesn’t work out. Someone pukes or shits themselves or falls over, kids can also be really ungrateful. Having said that it gets easier when they are a bit older as the above scenarios tend to happen less often.
mine are older teens now and I still stress about everyone having a good time and sometimes I don’t allow myself to relax and enjoy myself because I’m worrying too much about everyone else.

plus also don’t always believe everyone else who is “making memories” or “living their best lives” on SM because you only get to see the highlight reels in other peoples lives

Honestly it just sounds what I'd class as 'a nice day' sometimes you just got to embrace it as it is.
I'm definitely with you that I'd rather be out than stuck inside but there's definitely no appreciation from my kids for it when I feel like I've made such an effort and being a great parent.
I think mum bloggers and influencers or even friends, will only post the good photos from their day which makes it look lovely- 90% of the time it's pure stress for every parent.

I think people try to do too much with their children sometimes. Most days should be ordinary, hanging around at home or in the garden, playing with toys, doing a bit of baking, painting or colouring. I didn't drive, so we would walk to the shops every couple of days.

Honestly, I don’t think kids enjoy the activities adults think they will, I have stopped booking them now and just taker my DD to soft play or free/cheap less organised things.

Yeah. It’s better now they are older, but I still feel we can never play a board game without someone flipping the board at the end (literally or figuratively), that playing videogames is about managing their emotions, that day trips are me constantly going “who needs a wee? No you have to at least try, next toilet is in an hour. Please don’t walk so close to the cliff. Please don’t walk so close to the road. Please don’t fall in the sea. Yes I have snacks, a Mars and a Snickers. I’m sorry you both want Mars today, no I don’t have two. Please stop arguing or I’ll eat the bloody Mars. Please stop crying no I won’t ACTUALLY eat it. Where do you guys want to have lunch? Please stop hitting your sister. We should start towards the lunch place because it’s a long walk. Yes I know you’re not hungry but you will be by the time we get there. Please pick up your toys. This toy is not ours where did you get it? Does that boy have our kite?? Who needs a wee?”

I think the key is to notice when it's nice and lower your expectations. Dh has grand notions of things, and won't notice when it's lovely, so if the kids are mucking about at an experience- like following pigeons at the zoo he's itching to get to the giraffes and wow them, even though they're made up watching the pigeons. That's the bit you need to enjoy because for all you know it'll be a shit show at the giraffes when they notice other kids have ice cream or whatever. So you have to notice when it's nice and if you get one or two nice moments in between all the rest then take it and be grateful.

I found baby and infanthood fairly easy (sheer luck!)

4 yrs - 6 years really hard

7 to 13 - so much easier and full on but generally ok even enjoyable at times!

14-18 hellish

😀😀

You are not a shit mum! The title of your thread made me laugh, kids are mad aren't they 🤣 I like to remind myself that their little brains aren't developed like ours, and they don't work a 9-5 and worry about bills so they don't really appreciate how nice it is to do nice things.

Just to add, there’s something very comforting about lowering your expectations… I find the days when my kids have me tearing my hair out tends to coincide with when I’ve had (very) unrealistic expectations!

Totally normal op! You are not a shit mum. How old are they?

The relentless nature of parenting and the intensity of its demands, imho, plus all the attendant worry, makes it quite difficult to step back and just enjoy it.

Sounds awful to say it but I think most mothers are so busy getting the “essentials” done like reasonably healthy food, cleanish clothes, cleanish house, facilitating good sleep, extra curricular stuff, exercise and outdoor time and maybe sports when they are older, that it leaves very little available space for anything else.

The trick is to carve in little pockets of enjoyment in your ordinary day, like reading books together at bedtime, or going for an ice cream in the park on the way back from school, playing eye spy in the doctor’s waiting room etc.

And of course dc famously have minds of their own when it comes to instructions and schedules. Children are depicted in soaps and films as dutifully going up to bed when told or passively doing hawk and normal parenting is more of a battle!

And many of us are still expected to work like we don’t have dc and parent like we don’t have jobs.

You might get a couple of weeks a year staying with family or in a hotel when all the maintenance stuff is taken care of, and if you are lucky and they don’t go down with chicken pox or bronchiolitis, you might enjoy a couple of afternoons at the beach when one or two of them have fun! 😃

Sorry if that sounds unnecessarily bleak but my dh worked away for a lot of my dc’s childhood and it makes a huge difference having a supportive and hands on partner I think.

I think the trick is to really take care of your own mh and self care and don’t totally lose yourself in it all if you can help it. I use to think that advice was poppycock but it really isn’t it. If you are happy, and calm and confident in yourself, your dc will reflect that. And you need to be in good fettle for the teen years 😂😂

Sorry if that all sounds bleak but it’s realistic I think unlike so much parenting content on sm! Stay strong and do some stuff you enjoy too xxx

It is incredibly exhausting, and can be emotionally draining if you feel that every other family is having a great time when you aren’t. But hang in there, things do get better…
A few things we have done to make things seem a lot better are:

• ’1-to-1’ days.. when kids are at that tricky age and always seem to be playing up, divide and conquer. If you have a partner who can share the load then create a rota for who gets to have a special day out with one of the kids (while the other adult looks after the others). We always used to give them a choice about what they would like to do on their special day, and where they would like to eat - and if finances permit, we always finished up with a trip to the souvenir shop to buy a gift (eg a pencil or key ring etc) for their siblings, and for them as well, as a memento of the day. We used to treat it like a really special ‘treat’ day, giving them lots of attention. We found (with one of my kids in particular, who was around 5 at the time) that it had a massive, and immediate impact on their behaviour, and also was a nice way of actually trying to enjoy spending time with the DC. We used to do it weekly, with me and my DH switching who got to have the special day out with each of the kids.
• My husband had the brilliant idea of getting images from our holidays and says our printed, and we have them on the wall - they reinforce the ‘happy’ memories, and make it all seem much much better (it becomes the new narrative for the childhood phase!). I used to think I was a terrible mother, and that our kids were so challenging, but seeing these photos makes me smile every single day, and my memories of when they were small are now more about the high days and holidays (shown on the photos), than the really challenging times!

My 14 month old is exhausting… I’d describe a day with him like keeping a lid on a volcano!

9 year old DS is great company as is DD 12. I often find the trick is 1:1 time. Which for lots is easier said than done but ok for me as they take it in turns to go their dads once a week!

That might be your experience but it isn’t everyone’s. It absolutely got easier with mine. They are still annoying at times but it’s far easier!

OP how old are your kids?

My kids are 12,11,11 & i still end up upset after trying to do a nice day out with them. Invariably I spend a ton of money only to have them fighting and arguing in public instead of behind closed doors. Then i come home and say I'm not taking you all out again.
Then I see something I think they'd like and spend money on tickets just for me to be disappointed again a few weeks later!
I never learn.
But no, I rarely have a nice time with my kids. Individually we have far better times so divide and conquer wins here.

Couldn’t disagree more! I’ve found it easier and easier as time goes on.

It really is different for everyone - I know some children are highly sensitive and every age is hard for their parents but for lots of people that’s not the case. For me, 3 is easier than 2, 2 was easier than 1, and 1 was easier than baby.

We went to eurodisney a few years ago, going in, everyone was in awe, eyes wide etc, then you notice the crying, the tantrums, the bribery, the adults trying to fake a smile. And it’s normal, overexcitement, being hangry, tiredness, disappointment- I don’t think it’s kids being bad most of the time! I think most days out etc etc with kids you get amazing highs but ridiculously low lows too.