To feel like I never have a ‘nice time’ with my children

Having a 4yo was my absolute low. Several times I ended up breaking down in tears when people asked how I was. He was very hard work, didn't want to do anything, I remember walking around the perimeter of a park while he held onto my ankle as I was determined to get some fresh air. Fun times.

5 years later and activities are still problematic. He only wants to go if a friend comes and never to somewhere outdoors or non-child focused. I'm a single parent so it's very wearing, my mental health suffers. My choose seems to be drag him out or sit at home. Bit crap.

I also think it can still be a great day even if someone does have a tantrum or fall in a puddle or wet their pants etc. Crying or fighting or falling in the mud before getting out of the garden is also fairly standard, but I wouldn't let that set the tone for the day. I can only think of one thing we did recently that was a complete disaster which was a soft play that was really busy and my younger one was a bit under the weather and refused to go in and then the older one got attacked 3 times by the same feral toddler who drew blood on her face. We cut our losses and went for a walk over the railway bridge and looked at some boats on the canal and had a milky way and they ended up having a great time. So even that wasn't too bad in the end although a waste of £12!

My husband on the other hand never enjoys days out, he has no patience for the toilet breaks and sibling negotiations, gets annoyed with slow walking, takes it personally if they complain about anything etc, expects everything to be perfect. So maybe it's more the attitude of the parent, in some cases at least.

@SecondHandFurniture
Snap with the October birthday.
DD is a joy and she has some lovely friends we meet up with some weeks but she's a super early riser and dropped all naps at 18 months and I hate the feeling of 'filling the day'.
We rotate soft play, trampolines, stay and play etc and pray for no rain to get our but I think one more toddler group singing in a circle and I may stab myself in the eye (primary teacher here also).

I did 4 years working 3 days a week when DS was a preschooler (October birthday) and the last couple of winters were so difficult. Fortunately one of my NCT friends had another then became a SAHM, so we kept each other sane by meeting once a week!

@SecondHandFurniture
You are my people!
I work part time and I often feel like this on my days off then feel horrendously bad for wishing the time away. FFS.
Always worse in winter for me too.

This thread has made me feel so much better. Had an afternoon out planned but it was cancelled due to someone deliberately doing a poo on the bathroom floor to impress a sibling. Someone's finger then got shut in a door etc etc.

In reality I think we were all just really tired after the first week back.

We couldn't rely on the TV, as I foolishly banned TV as a sanction for something else.

I've been saying "stop doing that you ll break it" and stop it you ll hurt each other on repeat.

But after a while they seemed to enjoy playing with their toys, and inventing a game. It's just really hard, there's about an hour of sunlight after lunch, so the pressure is on to get out! But like another poster said, it's even worse when they act like that in public! You are not shit.

Mine love to watch the pigeons and squirrels at the zoo. Definitely less interested in the proper animals!

I absolutely could have written this. DSs are 3 and 18 months. I'm findings the replies extremely heartening! Having said that, I just got back from a (mostly!) really nice day out with DS1 while DH kept DS2 at home, so I agree with those who've said that divide and conquer is often the way to go.

?

Same OP, same 😔

I too feel like a shit mum for this exact reason. When I get into that frame of thinking though I consider what I'd say to a friend in a similar situation, and I'd tell them: the fact you care about being a shit mum means you're not.

Mine are 5 and 1. I'm hoping it gets easier. I've found simpler days with lower demands can be better. This afternoon we decorated biscuits and it was much nicer than our day out yesterday, much less pressure. Solidarity OP ✊🏻

I really enjoy days out with mine at the moment. They just seem to appreciate things. I do try to think ahead to avoid problems, such as take snacks, have the pram in case they refuse to walk, have gloves and spare clothes in case they get cold or wet. If one has a cry just comfort them and move on.

We do a lot of local trips - shop to buy crisps then park, trip to charity shop to buy toys, local walks and bike rides, playgrounds and cafes feature heavily. Try to meet with friends when we can.

We never stay home all day but are often home all afternoon and they are pretty happy at home too, playing together with their toys etc so I guess that contented attitude just transfers to whatever we are doing.

Big days out to zoo etc are less common as we don't have loads of money but when we go I always feel that they enjoyed it.

They are 2.5 and 4.5. It was much more difficult a year ago but now they are great. My husband is the one who's usually huffing and puffing about something. So I guess we all have our burdens

Tis just a phase. I'd do ordinary stuff and stop trying to do "nice things" that always end in tears.

Mine are lovely now (in their 20s).

That does sound v hard HungryCaterpillar .

I found four to be a very hard age when they were finding their own strength and testing boundaries. It was much harder than the toddler years ime.

If they are going to be miserable anyway, a good routine with plenty of fresh air and exercise might not harm even if it doesn’t exactly help? I certainly think it helps the parent to get everyone out of the house before lunch time anyway. I agree it’s really draining when they are acting up and nothing helps though.

Normal x

This >> I always say kids ruin everything 🤣

We only had a handful of genuinely nice days out over the years. There was usually endless bickering and moaning. Your expectations need to be pretty low, then anything else is a bonus.

I had no idea how ungrateful and difficult children could be until we had them! It’s not generally talked about how they make you cry, but you still love them anyway, though maybe then less people would have them! You wouldn’t get the highs (the cuddles, the love, the laughter) without the lows of parenting (the I hate yous and the tantrums) and resilience is key!

Yesterday we went by bus to the next town along and went to their library and cafe before getting the bus home again. Today we walked to our town centre, went to a church play group, bought a new jigsaw from the charity shop and came home to do it. Of course there were moments of whinging and crying and toilet stops and the like. But my expectations weren’t high and it cost me very little so it was fine.

^^

Case in point!!

Depends on the age

Also, I find if you spend a fortune you expect it to be a success, or at least appreciated: it rarely is, so you might as well do free stuff.

Social media has a lot to answer for in this respect, too

Couple things for the adult to reset with - the expectation we have of children is too high. We bring them to places that aren't always suited to them and expect them to behave like grown ups.
As adults we have a perception of what the perfect day out is, lower expectations. Perfect doesn't exist.
Stop worrying about the people around you, unless you're kids are really being annoying for others let them be.

How old are your kids? I have a 3.5 yo and a 6 month old so really little. I don’t pre book anything and we never do expensive, big trips out for all the reasons you have described. Too much expectation, too much tiredness, too many emotions, too much mental load, too much unpredictability, too expensive.

Yesterday we went by bus to the next town along and went to their library and cafe before getting the bus home again. Today we walked to our town centre, went to a church play group, bought a new jigsaw from the charity shop and came home to do it. Of course there were moments of whinging and crying and toilet stops and the like. But my expectations weren’t high and it cost me very little so it was fine.

We used to try and do trips out to exciting destinations places but we were all stressed, tired and broke so we stopped.

You need to set CLEAR expectations of behavior and give a warning. Any nonsense and straight home. No fun, no tv, no nothing for the rest of the day.

I agree with this^^.

I think it’s helpful if you can ignore sm, adapt to a child’s pace, and do your own thing without putting too much pressure on yourself!

Also, don’t feel guilty if as a parent you enjoy Andalusian nose flute playing and your very young dc all become expert Andalusian nose flute players 😀 Obviously, they have to be allowed to explore their own interests as they get older, but when they are really young, it helps the tedium if the parent can get to do something they enjoy occasionally too.

It's not the answer. Today I suggested we go on a walk to the beach (10 min walk) and take our bucket to pick shells etc.

Didn't even make it out of the garden before the 4yr old started crying and didn't stop for the duration we were out (20-30 mins) never made it to the beach because of the meltdown and tantrums.

Omg it's so hard. Op I am living the same life as you, it's draining.
Bought tickets to a petting farm for our you guests birthday a couple months ago and again the 4yr old had a meltdown and sat in the car with DH for the duration. There's no point doing anything fun now

I feel this deeply. Parenting for me atm is about filling the hours till bedtime. Especially on weekends.

Today dh and I had done everything, I mean everything... he took dd out to football class, then took her to do a big tesco run, then they came home and we had lunch, then we took the Xmas tree down and tidied all the decorations away, we watched a few episodes of octonauts, she helped with a couple of the baby's nappy changes, we played a game where we pretended to be a family of zebras...

And then it was 2.15pm. Aaaaaargh

This thread has been ridiculously comforting tonight, glad I'm not alone!