To feel like I never have a ‘nice time’ with my children

You aren’t a shit mum at all! It’s hard and sometimes children don’t realise how important the times are to parents too and they don’t realise they’re being ungrateful or anything like that - they’re just being children.

Mine are older now and my youngest is 10 . Last week I took them on a few days out . One day he ended up crying because he wanted me to give him an “advance” on his pocket money so he could buy 2 giant teddies … he had money for one of them and I had spent loads - then he couldn’t decide which one to buy and ended up crying about that and I just felt so disappointed after trying to give them a nice day ( and I work a lot too so I was really trying to fill my time with them with really good things ) . I ended up snapping at him , he ended up walking out in a sulk alongside me and I felt so upset about it. 5 mins later we were having a cuddle and it was all forgotten and he said he had had the best school holidays ever !

@OwlWeiwei

yeah, and then you’d end up buying a toy from Harrods! Expensive, and only enjoyable for the child rather than OP too

Thank you! Yes I'm sure I'll see the funny side eventually! It's so hard when you're in the middle of all the chaos and everyone seems to be upset and you can't fix it. Whew...!

It's very cheering that many on this thread say it gets easier as they get older!

@Mumoftwo1312 we've all had days like that you poor thing💐 you sound line a hero! Tomorrow it might even be (whisper it)...funny...?

Infuriating behaviour re kicking off the shoes. I had 3 under 4 at 1 point and got good at:

• waiting it out, if dd wants to put on their own shoes while you gently move away so be it, it will cause a huge row but you can talk about it later. Problem solved.
• lowering standards (obv)
• following through on sanctions and punishments

Now I'm in bed BFing the baby while dh and dd play downstairs and I just feel so miserable like I always ruin every day out these days with my postpartum gloominess and they have more fun without me!

I'll cheer up in a bit though, tomorrow's a new day eh!

We've just had a difficult day out and I'm feeling really down about it. I even had a short cry while we waited for the train home. Just came back to this thread to cheer myself up a bit. Everyday is a new day, tomorrow might be easier!

We lost dd's favourite scarf (maybe on the train, although she's convinced it was in the cafe but we combed the cafe and annoyed the baristas by asking repeatedly)
The cafe was crowded and loud and messy
Dd accidentally smeared mud from her boots onto a stranger's coat, when climbing onto the bench seating - she was pretty nice about it under the circumstances but obviously unimpressed
I got frozen while breastfeeding on a park bench in the winter wind, while dh and dd played football (that's how she got muddy)
Baby ds pooed a bazillion times and there were long queues for the loo
Dd was briefly inconsolable about the scarf. Sold out online (multiple retailers) and at all the local outlets, I called 3. Submitted a lost property form online to the train operator.
We missed a train home and they're every 30 mins on a Sunday. We sat in the waiting room and I cried

Sounds like a New Year's Eve party - lots of expectation for greatness but actually a bit dull.

Go with the flow, say you don't think there are unicorns but you could look for them at the local park? Make a game out of it. Kids can be really hard to please. The amount of times I've clenched my steering wheel and internally screamed because I thought I was creating a fabulous day and they were bored the whole time or what I did wasn't enough and they just wanted more. And more. And more. Argh.

You're not a shit mum.

It might get easier, in my experience it's easier in a way (she is super happy with Primark and Starbucks) but it's still so so difficult. Kids are worth it but it won't always feel that way.

This was me this morning. We had a lazy day yesterday so decided to take DC (2 & 5) to the park this morning. 5yo cried before we'd even left because he didn't want to go out. Both asked for a sausage roll from the cafe the second we arrived and neither ate it. 2yo cried the whole time we were there and refused to be put down. 5yo threw an alrighty tantrum because he didn't want to leave. Ended up walking back to the car with both of them crying. 5yo told me he hadn't enjoyed it even a little bit. 2yo screamed the entire way home and then turned into the worlds happiest child the second we got inside. I am fed up, cold and have a headache. Seriously wish I hadn't bothered.

That sounds so hard - school/ nursery holidays are really difficult. I had two at primary school when my third was a baby, and I remember being sick with dread at the start of the summer holidays, with two boisterous boys and a 6 week old baby, and no family help (DH was working). Fortunately, I was able to put the boys into holiday clubs, and I alternated this, so each week I would have a day with just the baby, a day with one of them and the baby, a day with the other and the baby, then two days with all of them. It was a really really hard time though! We were very very fortunate in that where we live there are a lot of reasonably priced holiday activities. Definitely reducing the number of kids you have where possible (using holiday clubs or after school, or family, or swaps with friends) can really help. When my youngest two overlapped at primary school, I arranged after school sessions for both so that I could have a couple of hours with each, individually, on a different school day in the week (so my daughter was in drama on a Monday, and I would spend that time with my son), and vice versa on Friday.

Totally understand this, it's constant. I'm the same from the minute we get up until asleep it's non stop, every minute of the day there is something . I wake up exactly like this with the frame of mind, right today will be different, within 2 mins though I'm thinking today is going to be hellish and it usually is. No matter what I do to make it better, I just hear moaning, whinging, demands for lots of things and the pure drudgery that comes with it. We do lots of nice things together though but I constantly feel I'm a shit mum.

OP, I haven't read this thread to the end (will be coming back later), but just to say, I feel your pain. I have a 9 year old, 7 and 4 year old. It's very hard to enjoy time with them which makes me feel sad and a terrible mother. I think for me the key is to do less, but then I feel bad anyway. Will read this thread for tips but I'm glad it's not just me who feels this way.

I mentioned upthread that we used to do 1-to-1 days, which really helped a lot. We found with both sons that giving them the option of 2 or 3 things (of which they can choice one) worked best, as it helped to manage their expectations, and reduces the stress of decision making (my DS2 has always struggled with decision making). It wasn’t always fancy days out either (and was most usually an afternoon, with either lunch out or tea out).. one time my eldest DS (prob aged about 8-9 at the time) said what he really wanted to do with me was stay at home together for the afternoon (without the others around) and bake a Victoria sponge cake together (his favourite cake!). I really used to get the feeling that the reason these 1-to-1 times worked so well was because you were (in a way) handing over a bit of control to the DC, by them getting to choose where you go and where you eat, as I think a lot of the really bad behaviour that we used to get was probably a lot around frustration that they don’t have any control over their lives at all - and maybe they get less attention, with the arrival of new siblings. I think having loving, undivided attention is also key for these 1-1 sessions, which stops the narrative being all about ‘I can’t do that now as I have to feed the baby’ or ‘I have to do the washing’ etc. But the actual day ‘out’ (or in) can be whatever suits you and the dc, with the dc making the making the final decision. Doing lunch out or tea out at a cafe can also really help, as it can be a completely different experience than if there are multiple dc there! Hopefully they will behave better (as they are not competing for your attention), and it gives them practice for how to behave. I have to admit, we went for many years of not being able to go out for a family meal, with all of us together - it was just too difficult, and also I ended up doing mealtimes at home at staggered times so they weren’t all sitting together (as it was a nightmare). But doing it with just one, when out and about, can be much much nicer.

Snacks is a difficult one. Whilst I agree that it can undermine mealtimes / appetite etc, we found (especially with my sons) that there was a correlation between meltdowns and hunger; ie they always happened when they hadn’t eaten for a long time. If you can get your dc to enjoy carrot sticks and cucumber sticks, that can really help, to give them a planned snack at a key time (you need to work out for yourself when the optimum time is, but maybe no later than an hour before their meal? I used to collect my eldest from pre-school, and he would be incredibly hungry, so I used to take a packed lunch so I could feed him sitting in a common area at the nursery, before we set off home. If I tried to get him home before he ate, tempers would massively flare up. I think some dc may be more susceptible to this - my youngest doesn’t seem too affected tbh. But my DH gets a massive headache if he is late eating, so I think it may be something physiological, maybe around blood sugar. Sorry for long post!!

have you tried letting them be bored. its not your job to entertain. mine got a chore to do if they said they were bored. can you let them out in back garden or take to local park? at park you do not play with them. let them lead. 1st person to say they are col or hungry or bored, you go home. every. single. time. this is learnt behaviour. maybe im a dragon parent but this worked when mine were wee and we had great days out and still do

I'm getting a lot of comfort too from this thread!! I go out of my mind with my lo , constant moaning, crying and spoilt days out. Asking for food, drinks and toilet non stop!! Time inside is a nightmare. I dread weekends and school holidays, by the end of summer holidays i have genuinly lost my mind. I always think I'm a shit mum. A lot of us seem to be experiencing the same!

You are making life harder for yourself.

Snacks would not be the hill I would choose to die on. My children eat constantly and have decent meals. They run around constantly too.

When they were your kids age I had a backpack of healthy snacks, it never bothered me.

My mum used to make me a pack lunch and send me off to play on the field behind our house for the day with the neighbours kids. Parenting has changed.

Hmm,
I'd do that conversation differently.
'To see unicorns'
Me: OK - we could go into London and see if there are any unicorns at Hamleys or Harrods. They pretend to be toys if you spot them but we could give it a go. Or we could go for a walk in the woods with some unicorn seed and try to feed them even if we don't get to see them.

I know loads of people disapprove of 'lying' like that but I just think of it as developing their imagination. (And giving myself an easy life)

My DS are 16 and 20yrs. After yet another crap day out as they were constantly snipping at each other, l asked them if they'd realised how little l had done with them this past year because as they are now grown l don't have to sort out childcare if l want to go out alone.

I have had years of ruined days out and I'm now focusing on me. Admittedly DS1 is ND which has added to the stress, but it's not all down to that.

Sorry, no advice but l feel your pain.

Oh, don't give open choice like this.

You're the adult so you have to set the parameters. You make kids anxious if the field is too open.

Would you like to go to soft play today or the park? Or even better, we're playing at home this morning then after lunch we'll go to the park.

Many parents want their kids to be happy so give too much choice, too much stimulation, too much everything. Your target should be healthy, safe and secure, not happy. Kids are involved in growing up, it is hard for them, they don't feel happy all the time, this is normal.

Also why not just say unicorns are never seen in real life? The unicorn obsession is mad, it has created all the Santa drama but year round. They're mythical, which means we can't see them. Don't feed the problem.

Snacks are normal. Provide healthy snacks like carrot sticks, cucumber and plain yogurt, let her help herself. It'll regulate.

This thread has made my day. Mine are 8 and 9 and it’s seemingly getting harder. DS is ND and always a total nightmare, but the options for days out when they were younger seemed more plentiful (farms, soft play etc). They used to just go to places without complaint beforehand, but now they’re so bloody opinionated about everything that it feels like a wartime negotiation process just to agree on somewhere to go 🙄

My autistic child has a habit of occasionally running off when we’re out if he gets upset or impatient. He will actually run off and hide! And he has a younger sister so I can’t chase very fast while holding her or pushing the buggy. After a couple of terrifying incidents it’s really put me off going out with the two of them alone, I feel like I need a 1:1 ratio.

I still remember the felling in one National Trust place on a Sunday where I felt like shit and thought why have I put myself through this. It was so awful and I felt so miserable.

I do have fun with them, but I find small outings tend to be more fun.
We had a lovely afternoon at a new park with ice cream. We met up with friends for a drink. Small things work far better.

Mine are always saying they are hungry when we are out and about… I’ll usually have a rucksack with some water/juice boxes, sandwiches, apples, raisins, mini cheddars, cereal bars, banana etc. Far easier and cheaper than stopping constantly to buy stuff!