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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP springing guests on me with no notice

69 replies

Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:31

This morning (at 11.30am) DP sprang on me that he's having his two nephews and his niece all afternoon today for his sister. It's the first I've heard of it. They are 11, 9 and 5 and noisy as hell.

I'm neurodiverse so I need time to prepare for things like this. He knows that.

That aside, the flat is messy right now and I don't like people coming round unless I've tidied up. I'm not bothered how other people feel about it. I feel how I feel.

I was planning on having a rare, relaxing day today as I have Friday off.

DP had no intention of doing any housework before he went to get them, until I said "hang on a minute, don't think you're leaving me to do all of the housework by myself"

In fairness he has done his bit now.

But AIBU to think he should be giving me a day's notice at the very least for something like this and this is unacceptable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 13:24

arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2024 13:16

It's a valid point about his house too

It's also the ops and she wanted p&q.

So, the fairest is to split it exactly in half time wise.

He doesn't want to go out, she doesn't want them in.

So, simples, down the middle.

If they're there for 4 hours, he takes them somewhere else for 2.

I think this is perfectly reasonable and fair. I'll suggest that.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2024 13:24

Not one person has suggested that he doesn't help his sister out. Not one.

All the op is requesting, as she has a migraine, is do it somewhere else.

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 13:23

Sirzy · 05/01/2024 13:12

But why shouldn’t be free to do what he wants in his home? This all seems to be about you!

he is trying to do a nice thing for his sister and your turning it into some massive issue it doesn’t need to be.

Show quote history

If the roles were reversed and it was him feeling crap and wanting a chilled out day I would just take my sisters children out somewhere.

I understand its his home too but isn't it just basic courtesy not to add to the load when your partner is under the weather?

He can't be arsed going out that's what it's about really.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 05/01/2024 13:20

He's looking after his sisters kids in his own house to do her a favour. Nothing wrong with that. If I had asked my sister when DS was little and she told me her partner needed 24 hours notice I would actually think wtf.

He's doing a favour for his sister, in his own home. If you don't want to be amongst it just go to bed. He shouldn't feel like he has to go out just because you don't like it.

Nicole1111 · 05/01/2024 13:19

I get the frustration as it is annoying but I’m not sure what it is you expect him to do. If he doesn’t have 24 hours notice himself and is doing his sister a favour how do you expect him to provide this notice to you? Or are you saying he shouldn’t help his sister out in emergencies and only do it in a planned way?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/01/2024 13:18

Are people becoming so self centered they can't help family out for a couple of hours anymore? If my sister needed help as a one off unexpectedly I would be very unimpressed if my DH got pissy about it.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2024 13:16

It's a valid point about his house too

It's also the ops and she wanted p&q.

So, the fairest is to split it exactly in half time wise.

He doesn't want to go out, she doesn't want them in.

So, simples, down the middle.

If they're there for 4 hours, he takes them somewhere else for 2.

Sirzy · 05/01/2024 13:12

Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:58

So in that case he should take them out or as PP suggested to spend the afternoon at their house, but he won't do that, because he would rather be here and has a bunch of excuses ready.

Show quote history

But why shouldn’t be free to do what he wants in his home? This all seems to be about you!

he is trying to do a nice thing for his sister and your turning it into some massive issue it doesn’t need to be.

Pumpkinpie1 · 05/01/2024 13:11

Go to your bedroom shut the door and let him get on with it.
It is nice he supports his sister but I think we all sometimes need down time x

LenaLamont · 05/01/2024 13:10

He can’t give you notice if she was let down by her sitter. That’s last minute by its nature.

YABU to expect notice in this circumstance
HIBU not to take the children out for a while.

DuchessPotato · 05/01/2024 13:08

Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:58

So in that case he should take them out or as PP suggested to spend the afternoon at their house, but he won't do that, because he would rather be here and has a bunch of excuses ready.

Show quote history

It’s his home too though, why shouldn’t he have them there?

DuchessPotato · 05/01/2024 13:06

Sometimes unexpected things happen and family need help last minute. What would you have rather happened?

You may be a bit put out for a few hours, but the main thing is the three kids are being well looked after while their mum attends her appointment.

If you really can’t cope, have a lie down and let your other half take care of them all.

pikkumyy77 · 05/01/2024 13:02

For some people family is just additive—you just get on with it. I voted that you were reasonable then unreasonable then reasonable again because its a tough call. As long as he is looking after all five or so kids I really don’t think there is a problem. You should retire to the bedroom and all the kids should be trained enough to leave you alone during the migraine. This is a feature of your life and the world doesn’t stop during ut. People have emergencies. Hopefully your sister in law returns the favor.

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:58

Ghentsummer · 05/01/2024 12:57

It sounds like he's stepped up because the sitter let his sister down. How could he give you more notice if he didn't have much notice himself?

So in that case he should take them out or as PP suggested to spend the afternoon at their house, but he won't do that, because he would rather be here and has a bunch of excuses ready.

OP posts:
Ghentsummer · 05/01/2024 12:57

It sounds like he's stepped up because the sitter let his sister down. How could he give you more notice if he didn't have much notice himself?

Whinge · 05/01/2024 12:55

It's not just about today, I think you need to make a stand here. This isn't fair.

I agree. If you continue to allow the excuses then the excuses will continue. He's not going to change his behaviour until you make a stand.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/01/2024 12:54

Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:50

I asked him to take them out and he started listing off reasons why that wouldn't work. The weather is crap, we don't have enough spare money to take them anywhere (we do), they won't want to go to the park in crap weather, they don't like the library, etc etc.

What an arse 😣

In that case op, if you have the money, can you take yourself off somewhere quiet you'll enjoy? A hotel room, a spa.

It's not just about today, I think you need to make a stand here. This isn't fair.

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:53

DesuOwl · 05/01/2024 12:52

Why can't he watch them at SILs house?

This will sound ridiculous tbh. He doesn't like their dog.

OP posts:
RiaLia · 05/01/2024 12:53

I dont really see anything wrong with him helping with his family. If I last minute offered help to my family I wouldnt expect my DH to be funny with me over it, he would be supportive. I have ADHD. I wouldnt mind him helping his family either, I'd trust his judgement.

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:52

jannier · 05/01/2024 12:48

I'd put in ear plugs take the sick bowl and go lie down he can look after yours as well.
Tens and acupuncture are great for migraines....have you seen your GP

I have my tens machine on right now 🙂

I went down the GP route years ago yes. I'm under secondary care now with a neurologist. I'm on a bunch of meds and have medical botox for them every 3 months. I'm overdue that atm so I'm flaring up quite a bit.

OP posts:
DesuOwl · 05/01/2024 12:52

Why can't he watch them at SILs house?

jannier · 05/01/2024 12:52

I think he ven the circumstances assuming it's important I wouldn't expect notice as long as she is willing to help if needed. With kids unexpected things happen. But he needs to do the care of all your ill.

Original poster
Eris3 · 05/01/2024 12:50

I asked him to take them out and he started listing off reasons why that wouldn't work. The weather is crap, we don't have enough spare money to take them anywhere (we do), they won't want to go to the park in crap weather, they don't like the library, etc etc.

What an arse 😣

OP posts:
jannier · 05/01/2024 12:48

I'd put in ear plugs take the sick bowl and go lie down he can look after yours as well.
Tens and acupuncture are great for migraines....have you seen your GP

Trickedbyadoughnut · 05/01/2024 12:47

Can he look after them at their house? Or would that be worse for you, as he wouldn't be able to help with the younger kids?