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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don’t want ex’s new partner to spend time with my children

35 replies

Stressedout12 · 04/01/2024 20:44

My ex has been seeing new partner for 7m. I have 2 dd (11 & 15) there have been some incidents along the way which I have raised with him involving the new girlfriend. The first was my girls witnessing her threatening her 4yo with a slap if they didn’t get in the garden (not how my or my ex parent) then I received a phone call mid December after someone had seen a picture of my ex with her basically concerned for my children, accusing amongst other things drug use, leaving her children unattended at night and screaming and threatening everytime one of them made a noise. I have been unable to ascertain whether this is current or historical.

Just before Xmas my ex informed me that her children had been removed by social services and placed in foster care. I’m not going to go into the reasons here but I was very concerned about this and asked my husband that when he had the kids I would prefer it if she wasn’t around them. He agreed and I thought we’d managed to resolve this (albeit temporarily) I’ve recently discovered that he went against my wishes over the Christmas break and she spent time at his house when my children were there and there were plans to go out for tea that evening. I took the girls straight back to my house and let my ex know I was going to seek legal advice and a court order to prohibit her access to my children and as I can’t trust him I didn’t want the girls to see him until this was resolved but we would return to normal custody arrangements when everything was sorted out.

He thinks I’m being an absolute idiot, totally unreasonable and that no-one (including his new partner) has done anything wrong and that there is absolutely no risk to my children and I’m just trying to control him etc etc. Obviously I know the reasons for the removal and I don’t agree there is no risk especially given the witnessed slapping comment.

AIBU, is it just me? Am I in the wrong or over reacting?

i should probably add that there was control abuse in my marriage, he constantly gas lights me and belittles me. Also we have never been involved with social
services etc and this is not a situation I would ever have expected to find myself in.

OP posts:
Falkenburg · 04/01/2024 21:48

Aren't your children of an age where they can have a day in the matter if they don't want to see him whilst he's with her?

DuchessPotato · 04/01/2024 21:35

Stressedout12 · 04/01/2024 21:28

I’ve asked myself that question many times but until recent events it wasn’t really any of my business. I’m also really concerned about why he hasn’t made any effort to safeguard her children either. I can’t say this without sounding like a total snob so I’m sorry but she is just not the sort of person I would have expected him to date.

Well you sound very sensible and level headed to me.

At the end of the day, there must be a very valid reason why her kids have been removed and your ex as you say did nothing to prevent whatever those circumstances were. As your kids are also young, I don’t see why they should potentially be put at the same risk.

Stick to your guns, you are totally right.

Original poster
Stressedout12 · 04/01/2024 21:28

I’ve asked myself that question many times but until recent events it wasn’t really any of my business. I’m also really concerned about why he hasn’t made any effort to safeguard her children either. I can’t say this without sounding like a total snob so I’m sorry but she is just not the sort of person I would have expected him to date.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 04/01/2024 21:25

I would also wonder why your ex wants to be with a person like that.

whenallelse · 04/01/2024 21:09

Your kids seeing her slap her child wouldn't be enough for me to think you should stop contact. (Much as I think it's terrible parenting, it's not been done to your kids). But her kids being taken into care? Massive red flag- takes a lot for that to happen so she clearly isn't safe to be around anyone's kids imo. If your ex disagrees, he can take you to court. But your kids are teenagers so will also vote with their feet- do they want to see their dad? If so, I would be suggesting he sees them after school in a neutral location, not in his house and no overnights until you can trust that the gf isn't around your kids.

thismummydrinksgin · 04/01/2024 21:02

You not being unreasonable, not sure what the best route to take is. Like you say legal advice is needed to protect your children. Especially as he was abusive towards you previously. If the authorities get involved it's not your judgement it's the professionals xx

Original poster
Stressedout12 · 04/01/2024 21:00

Thank you! I did try SS but got nowhere really beyond advice to call the police if needed. I’m waiting for a solicitor to give me a call to discuss further.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stressedout12 · 04/01/2024 20:59

Nope I’m honestly not fussed who he sees or what he does with whom. He had an affair and moved straight in with her and this is the third new girlfriend in 2.5 years since we split so I’m totally over this and him. He gaslights me so thoroughly though that he’s got me wondering if I am jealous etc etc.

OP posts:
Coffeespill · 04/01/2024 20:55

I saw your title and thought..bet this is another jealous ex being unreasonable. But no. You actually have valid cause for concern and I would persue this. Unfortunately I am not sure how you would do this but I implore you to try

LolaSmiles · 04/01/2024 20:50

The threshold for removal into care is very high. If they've been removed then there's a risk to their safety.

If your ex isn't capable of willing to prioritise the safety and wellbeing of his/your children or he is unwilling to then you're within your rights to prioritise their safety and wellbeing.

You could call social services or NSPCC for advice about your specific circumstances.