To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

I would normally say everything has to be paid for at a wedding. However, it seems really fair the way you’ve planned the wedding and if they’re close friends I’m sure they’d understand your circumstances and this isn’t a full “wedding” but rather opportunity to celebrate and have a wonderful time with close friends.

Exactly this. Asking guests to pay for their own meal at your wedding is appalling etiquette. I would be embarrassed for anyone who did this. You can't be serious @fml666 ?? Have a cheaper wedding for goodness sake. You can't ask people to pay for their own meal at YOUR wedding.

I thought it was bad enough when someone I know had a wedding at a fancy hotel 4 years ago, and around a third of the guests - about 25 - had to stop over in the hotel because it was too far for them to travel, and they had to pay for their own room. 'Come to our wedding, have a room, but pay £250 for the room!' No wonder so many people can't be doing with other peoples weddings these days.

What happened to a quick Church or registry office wedding with a pub lunch after, and a 'do' in the local parish hall or social club in the evening - with a buffet? All within striking distance of the vast majority of the guests?

The hen parties are the same these days. No drinks at the local pub for a few hours with your mates anymore. It has to be a long weekend in Prague or Paris, that costs the guests nearly a grand each - including travel and accommodation and food and drink.

On another point - an at home buffet can be great , informal and often more fun-crank up the music - make it more of a party . I've been to some very expensive but ultimately very staged , themed within an inch of their lives and actually pretty dull weddings with little 'vibe'

I really wanted one but married a devout Muslim so we compromised with lots of Champagne, nice wine at dinner and lots of soft drinks and non-alcohol fizz for drinks reception, toasting etc.

I've been to plenty of birthday meals where I've paid for my own food. Whilst the norm is that weddings are covered, I'm sure if you are upfront about it and ask for the company / meal payment to be instead of a gift then I would still attend a good friend's wedding on that basis.

At a push OP, you could arrange a meal with friends if they insist on celebrating but I’d do it for a little while later. I’d prob do a BBQ or something at home though rather than this. I think it’s nice to host in some way when people will inevitably be generous with wedding gifts but just my view.

One of the very nicest wedding receptions I attended was in a room above a pub with a few platters of sandwiches and hot snacks (sausage rolls, mini pizzas and the like) provided by the happy couple, and the guests paid for their own drinks. Everybody knew what the deal was, nobody cared, it was the occasion that counted. You can make private arrangements for a sit down meal with close family another time (or later in the day) of course, but if you're talking about 30 guests I'd definitely recommend a buffet instead. Plus much jollier being able to mingle with all your guests!

Honestly, I wouldn’t. I’d just do a registry office and nice meal (with a tiny amount of guests) job if I really had to cut back. The problem with the suggestion of “Please pay for your meal instead of a gift” is that many would still give the £100 or whatever gift and pay for the meal. I would anyway. I’d be fine with being asked by a friend though - just wouldn’t do it personally in my wedding.

I think that's really distasteful.

If you can't afford that, don't have that. Just literally tie the knot. My Mum and Dad did that, no meal, no fuss (think they went to the pub after) and have been married 60 years.

It's really not that expensive to do a buffet for 30 people, let's be honest.

You need to get more creative about this, because in my mind, someone in their 50's shouldn't need a present and certainly shouldn't need me to pay for my own food in order to celebrate their day?

I think you're doing the right thing inviting people to yours after the ceremony. It sounds lovely!

I'd be more than happy with that if the meals were reasonably priced and it was clear on the invite that we'd be expected to pay and also that all the guests were paying for themselves. If you were paying for some guests but not for others then it would be unreasonable. But it sounds like you are asking everyone to pay so it seems fine to me. Genuine friends would not expect freebies from you when times are tight. They would be more interested in seeing you happy on your special day. And you can make it clear that you don't expect gifts, etc.

Sorry OP, just seen I’m behind and have now read your updates! Sounds like a great plan. You could always have a fancy meal for one of your anniversaries down the line! Congratulations and I hope you have a lovely wedding day 😊

As long as you’re completely clear and upfront about it, I think it’s fine. They’re your close friends at the end of the day! Surely they will understand if you explain it to them like you have to us. I agree with the PP that you shouldn’t make the invites too “wedding-y” though so as there is no confusion.

Apologies OP, just seen your update. That sounds perfect

I'd be ok with this, as long as it really is family and close friends only. And as long as the bride doesn't turn up in a £500+ dress.

As others have said, you'll need to make it very clear on the invite. Also, absolutely no presents. I'd also try to stretch to a few bottles of cava for your guests.

Alternatively, book a village hall and bring in caterers. That should be a fairly cheap option.

When we got married we too were skint. We married in a registry office and went for an informal meal afterwards. Friends and family paid for their own and was totally fine with that.

Informally ask them if they would be ok with it, then send a nice formal invitation to those that said it was ok for them.
I'd definitely have zero issue with it myself, I'd be happy to be there to celebrate as long as I had notice to save to pau for it if I needed to

Do the American thing and have a rehearsal dinner for family the night before then the at home reception you suggest after.

Think it’s fine if they are fully aware. We all have to understand that even the smallest wedding is very expensive! No reason to not get married though.

Don’t do it , cut your cloth etc. have a BBQ at home.
i went to a wedding where we paid for our places, it was weird. and I felt used. especially iif you pay for some guests.

@ManateeFair ha, so true- there really are some very regimented views on mumsnet. 'This is how it's done' - be it weddings, holidays, childcare etc a wedding can be whatever you want-- if someone didn't want to come because they might have to buy a few drinks or even a dinner- then they really aren't that much of a friend .

No it’s not a bar at all. And it’s the spirits that make bars at weddings very expensive - no need to provide that all.

But if you can’t afford to give your guests food and drink then have a smaller wedding.

Oh hi Bridezilla you and your perfect day eh?

Meanwhile it’s really bad manners to invite people to a party and ask them to pay. If you tried charging people at weddings in France or Italy or the US people would think it very strange.

No you don’t.

And offering free wine and soft drinks (beyond toasts) is basically a free bar with limited choices

I like your updated plan, everybody will enjoy that.

I think the problem with your initial plan was that what you wanted, a hotel reception and formal meal, wasn't affordable. So you'd have been asking people to pay to meet your preference. And clearly paying for your own meal isn't a problem for most people, but there are very few guests who'd actually prefer that over the more informal party you've settled on. Good choice 😊