To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

I think a buffet and garden party (weather permitting) sounds lovely. Could you maybe have your meal a few days before the wedding as a joint hen/stag do? Or even a nice breakfast or brunch before the wedding on the day?

One of the nicest, happiest wedding I’ve ever been to was at a registry office followed by a prosecco toast at the bride and grooms home. They ordered m and s nibbles and pizzas were delivered. Dessert was a slice of wedding cake. Guests were asked to bring a bottle xx

This is a great idea, those closest to you and know your circs will be happy to pay I'm sure. The others can nibble and drink later on! I always find it's such a shame to focus on the food aspect of the day, when it should be a celebration of you both. No criticism intended, I also worried about the food situation! Worst case scenario, the miserable aunt doesn't get her foie-gras, and you can tell her to stuff herself

I'd go very happily and understand.

I’d hate to be friends with some of the people in this thread!! Jeeeeez!

I have been two weddings that I paid for my own dinner at and I did so happily!!
They were local, so no travel real expenses, both registry office, so didn’t need to be overdressed and one was a gorgeous Chinese restaurant we all loved and knew very well it was about £30 each all in and the happy couple had 2 bottles of fizz on the table for an initial toast. The other was a rather nice hotel that did a set menu for everyone that was £40 for a 3 course meal and coffee. The drinks were pretty pricey there so bride and groom chose a second venue for drinks.

All in all 2 great days and nights that cost less than the hotels and travel I’ve had to do to many other weddings.

Real friends will want to be there is the be all and end all.

Just make it clear you would really love for them to be there and give them the option of joining you for a meal (paying for their own) OR drinks reception and make it clear that them being there would be the best (and only) gift.

We decided to have a bring and share reception - it was coordinated by a friend ( essential) and it was absolutely brilliant. We both had so many friends and we really had no money and it meant that 350 friends were able to come for everything. My mum made the most amazing cake! My best friend was in the same position and did the same, all fabulous, and a real sense of family and community.

I think that's fine. If they are actual friends they will understand.

Just invite the extras for a drink in the evening . Sounds like the main attendees are happy to pay for themselves and have already agreed but I wouldn’t invite someone else then tell them they’d have to pay for it

Its the people who are rubbish friends who disagree, only pals with someone for a free meal or drink by the sounds of it 😅

Don't invite people if you cannot afford to. Just pop down to the registration office if marriage is important to you. I wouldn't expect guests to pay for themselves. It's just cringeworthy.

NB: I had a registration wedding only with DH. No guests. For exactly that reason.

I would be so happy to celebrate your marriage if I was your friend OP, and would be fine about paying for my meal. We go out all the time with friends and family and split the cost, it would be unaffordable otherwise.

I hate seeing people put themselves in debt for weddings or anything else.

Make it clear you don’t need a present, which after living together and in your 50s you don’t need anyway.

Tell them you are not hosting a trad wedding but you would love them to join you, if they would like to, for a get together.

It’s funny the strength and diversity of opinion isn’t it. But to your point that exactly means you probably can’t do what you want as there is a 50% chance you’ll offend someone. I wouldn’t be in the least offended. Subject to it not being hours drive away and super expensive. I’d be delighted to be included and think the invite would need to be clear, we want to get married and we’ll be having a meal after, you are most welcome to join paying for yourself but we won’t be offended if you can’t join. But as I said, so much diversity in opinion!

congratulations when it happens either way OP, I hope you have a lovely day whatever you decide to do.

Theres a lot of shite pals on this thread. Imagine not wanting to celebrate your close friends wedding because you arent getting a free feed?!
Ask them and be clear and honest, I am sure they will be more than happy to pay for their meal or just meet for drinka. And if their attitudes are as awful as some entitled comments, they are awful pals. Just cut them off!

If they're your friends, they'd understand if you explain it to them that you would like them there and you wouldn't expect a present, but it's fine if they just want to turn up later for a drink. My DH & I were invited to our friend's abroad and assumed we'd be paying for our food. We didn't, but would have been happy to. Enjoy your day x

I would absolutely not mind paying for my own meal, I would be pleased to be invited and I’d probably scale back the wedding present or just give a very small token gift.

Because when I was asked to do this. There was a hierarchy of guests who did and didn’t pay, felt that I was a self paying guest used as a seat filler . If you can’t afford a big fancy wedding, don’t have one.
on the other hand I have no problem with the happy couple asking for cash and would rather give them £100 instead of a load of tat .

Question for those who think it's rude.

Why is it rude to ask people to pay their share at a wedding but it's not rude to ask people to pay their share at a hen or stag do??

I absolutely think Op should sound people out - proper meal in a pub or resteraunt - and party back at the house. Then it's just crisps and nuts at the house rather than the stress of catering for a dozen or so folk on your wedding day.

Please ignore all the people who are too easily offended! I think you can be totally upfront with your friends. Tell them the price that the meal will be and if you’re completely honest then no-one will be offended! Your real friends will just be happy for you to be getting married to the person you love ❤️
if someone can’t afford it then they’ll be honest too and join you afterwards for a drink.
Have the best day! Best of wishes for your future ✨
PS. I bet most people would just be relieved they don’t need to pay really expensive hotel fees to stay over and buy expensive outfits and worry about presents!

You know your friends better than anyone on here. I would be really upset to have not been invited just because the bride was nervous to ask me to pay for my own meal. Give people the option, I can't beleive anyone would be upset to pay for their own meal.

A meal is no more expensive than a wedding gift

I think it’s rude!
Get married at registry office then have a party after at a pub with nibbles where you put a sum you can afford behind the bar?

I got married for the first time at 45. We went to the Registry office and then had Afternoon Tea for 8 close family members.

The following day we held a garden party at home with buffet food and drinks for about 50 people. Biggest mistake I made was not getting help with the catering!

That was over 10yrs ago and I’m still waiting for a honeymoon. 😂

At our age, I’m happy to pay for ourselves for a pub/restaurant meal so if you were a close friend, I’d be really happy to meet you for a meal afterwards.

I’m guessing a lot of the negative responses are from youngsters who still think a wedding requires spending a ridiculous amount of money on pointless stuff and posing for naff photos . 🤣🤣

Exactly. I'm surprised that anyone thinks that this is rude. The only rudeness for me would come in if the couple were not upfront about this, so people thought that it was a traditional hosted wedding and then had the fact they had to pay sprung on them as a surprise. However, as it is clear this is not at all what the OP had in mind, I'm really not sure what the problem is. I sometimes think that this site has a real problem with people not reading the OP properly and just shoehorning their own interpretation into what is being said. It isn't even RTFT, more RTFOP!

I agree, but I also think it is ok to ask guests to pay for their own meal as long is that is made clear upfront and also in lieu of gifts. I would far rather pay my own way at a meal I could really enjoy, order what drinks I wanted, and toast my friends (even though I'm personally teetotal!) than have 'cake and punch' in some dingy basement. That really isn't a thing in the UK anyway, it is more of a US Mormon/Lutheran kind of deal.

Sound your friends out.

Bob and I are getting married, can't afford a big wedding. We were thinking back to the house for buffet but my brother thinks we should go to Phil & Ted's restaurant for dinner, with everyone paying their own.
What do you think?