To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

Awks

YANBU

As long as you make it clear that everyone pays for their own food & drinks from the start, people then have the option to accept or decline the invite.. you’re not forcing anyone to come, I would just write on the invite that funds are low so all guests will pay for their own meal however you don’t want a gift or something like that

I would be happy to pay for my own food and drink if it were made known to me well before the event.

About a decade ago I was invited to a wedding in Scotland when I lived in London. Bride and groom wanted a two night event so we all had to pay towards this manor house that was stunning (but transpired all other guests were paying for their room). Plus train travel, taxi to remote house etc.

Was also instructed to bring food and drink (from London) to be consumed at said manor house during the weekend. Day of wedding we all had to pay for taxis to travel about 30 miles to the registry office and after on to the gastro pub they had chosen to eat at. And back again too.

On arrival at the gastro pub there was no welcome drink, just a quick speech from the groom saying, “thanks for joining us today, please pay for your own food and drinks so that it’s not awkward if your meal costs more than what others order.” Okie, fair enough…

Practically fell off my chair when other guests offered to pay for the bride and groom’s meal, when both were full-time employed and renting out BOTH of their pre-marital houses after buying another property together.

The weekend cost me over £1k (including the £300 cheque I gave them on arrival to help towards their honeymoon).

They are still happily married though so I’m pleased for them. I couldn’t have showed my face in public if I had done that to my wedding guests though…

A friend of mine recently got married and couldn’t afford a big reception. So they invited their friends and family and asked everyone to bring something for a shared picnic in their parents field . It was one of the loveliest weddings I’ve ever been to

This is what I would do. Late ceremony, quick pint in nearby pub, then back to yours for a buffet. “No gifts please, just byob”. The best parties are always at someone’s house imo! Have a fabulous day whatever you choose xx

There,are plenty of posts on here about CFery from friends .
Not wise to put yourself under that sort of scrutiny.
So it's OK for Op to have some friends who will miss out, very sad if they can't go and absolutely not the point of having a wedding!
Human relationships are complex, let's stop pretending everyone is happy, skippy perfect friend the whole time.

I think if you’re upfront it’s fine. People can make their own minds up. Hope you have a lovely day OP.

As a guest I would say I didn’t mind to pay for my own meal but I wouldn’t like it at all.
As hosts you really have to offer something. Try to be more creative. Could you not offer welcome drinks and nibbles? Or provide a few bottles of wine and beer at the table plus shared starters like garlic bread/dips?
Otherwise, it all looks a bit tight arsed and miserable- even if that is not your intention.
I have been to occasions like this and people are polite on the surface, but there was a bit of disgruntled muttering about it later.

When you invite someone you can't expect them to pay really as they are making the effort, time and travel. How about a donations please instead of presents? Most people are generous for weddings and will happily oblige. The gifted money can amount to a fair bit, so you will get a good chunk back. Xx

I was referring to the posts basically saying theyd never attend a friends event without a free meal (or also drinks in some mental cases!)

If anyone invited would discuss the OP finances in such a manner than i would say they are, in fact, shit friends. I would rather pay for a meal and celebrate a friends happiness than not be there. And if paying for said meal meant they could go on holiday, even better. Again, only shit friends would grudge that.

If her friends are also struggling financially they can simply decline the invite or say "listen is it ok to meet you after the meal for drinks".

Its honestly not that hard to be a good friend 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would be absolutely fine with this . If I didn’t want to pay and attend I’d be able to politely wish you well but not accept the invite . I don’t see the no problem at all . Go for it

Could uour family pay for the friends meals as a gift? ( if u limited number of mates) or do a set price buffet the pub paid for by yr family as a gift?

I wouldn't mind this at all, for close friends where I knew the circumstances! I don't go to a wedding for a free meal, and would understand that sharing the day with you is important.

I think if you’ve invited them you should probably buy them all a drink, but saying that you’re thinking of a restaurant after - wouldn’t most ppl assume they pay for themselves as they get to order what they want and it isn’t a set menu? I don’t see how it’s really different to ppl inviting friends out for a meal or drinks on their birthday and only paying for themselves (friends would usually pay for them in this situation - it’s not a wedding I know).

Don’t lose sight of the fact the main event is seeing the two of you getting married. Ppl can choose whether or not they attend the restaurant after or just join you for a toast to your happiness. I don’t understand why there’s necessarily an expectation that you pay for everyone if it’s not a formal affair at the wedding venue etc - if you did you wouldn’t be able to share the day with at least half of them would you. It would be different if you provided an itemised bill after they’d finished eating somewhere that had place settings at the venue, set menu etc, but ppl should be understanding to the situation and realistic as to the fact we’re living in a cost of living crisis and ppl don’t have £1000’s to blow on one day.

Yes, of course it’s ok to ask them. They are close friends so should understand you can’t afford it and they have the option to say no.

Oh dear! Well family are happy to pay for their meals, which is something.

Can you really not spare £100 for a few friends? If I ever get married (unlikely after ex 🙄) I would only want a few people there, very low key and I would expect to pay for them.

It might be better discussing this with friends rather than messaging?

Prosecco and buffet at home sounds perfect, have a gorgeous day

No just no!
Can you imagine sending that

I would elope to Gretna rather than send that.

This is a totally fine thing to do! I have been to weddings similar eg we would love you to celebrate with us but money is tight. If you’d like to celebrate with us either at a meal or drinks then please come along but you’ll need to pay for yourself. It’s totally fine and should be made more normal.

But then your guests will be embarrassed and feel pretty shit at having to hang about waiting for others to finish eating or expose their financial situation.

It's not either B&G getting in to silly debt or people pay for themselves-the answer is having the wedding you can afford and I'm glad Op has come to that conclusion

You can't expect people to pay for there own meal,can't you post pone the wedding till next year if you can,or just invite close family and friends ✨️

If possible create a watts app group for all those you wish to invite and then send a message along the lines of.... "We are delighted to share our happy news with you, we are getting married on xxxxx. We would love you to join us on our happy day, but we want you to know that we can't afford to pay for meals, drinks etc. If you would like to join us for a meal, at your own expense, please let us know by xxxxx, so we can book numbers at xxxxxxx. If you would like to meet us after for a drink (at your expense), that would also be lovely. We are sorry we can't afford to pay and fully understand if you are unable to join us. Just FYI, we do not expect any presents".

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, enjoy.....

But that's what the 'no pressure at all, if you can't make the meal we'd love to see you for drinks in the bar!' is for.

I'd want the choice. If it was a good friend, I'd far rather go to their wedding and pay for my own meal, in an informal day like this, than have to go to a big fancy wedding with free everything, but with the costs of clothes, hotel and a present, for people I didn't feel as close to. And with so few invites, this is probably people closer, no?

I was going to say no, imagining you were planning a big fancy wedding you couldn't afford so wanted guests to pay for (have seen those threads!) but this is really different. You simply want a happy meal, with close family and friends, after a quiet registry office. No pressure if they'd rather just do drinks, but an open invite to join you for the meal if they are okay to pay, as you just don't have the money for 'a wedding'. This is a marriage with a small celebration after, not A WEDDING and as people don't have to book overnight hotels, buy a fancy outfit or choose a gift from a list, etc etc I think it sounds lovely.

Would love to attend a friend's wedding in these circs, and be more than happy to pay for my own meal. You're fine, IMO.

Congratulations! I hope you have a lovely day, and a very happy marriage.

Actually some of us have referenced how this will reflect on Op and also how it would be unnecessarily stressful on the day hoping everyone paid.
Also opening up ones finances to debate.
" can't afford a wedding but off on holiday, got a cat, blah blah"

Part of healthy boundaries and common sense is having the wedding you can afford so that Op, her DH to be and the guests are all happy.

Zero need for shit friends comments.
What if the " shit" friends can't afford to pay and have to decline the invite?