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Original poster

To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

558 replies

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

OP posts:
TheSeasonalNameChange · 06/01/2024 14:37

I think a registry office then get together at your house sounds lovely.

MistyMountainTop · 06/01/2024 14:05

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 06/01/2024 12:52

If guests have to pay for their own food it’s a sign that you’re having a wedding that is beyond your means. You can’t have the wedding you want simply by asking guests to help pay for it - that’s very bad manners. Anyone in this situation needs to trim the costs: fewer guests, cheaper dress, shop bought cake, no table fancies, cheaper honeymoon etc etc before trying to charge guests to attend their wedding. It’s not fair simply because you’re choosing the venue etc etc then effectively asking them to cover your costs for this or the wedding can’t go ahead. So you need to lower your budget. You also can’t ask them to pay for food instead of buying a gift because this is also rude in making the assumption that you’ll get everyone to buy you a present. Yes, people will get you them but it at least has to feel like a choice to do so!

You've not read & comprehended any of the OP's posts have you?!

Beastieboys · 06/01/2024 13:48

Why not,you can get vegan cheese and supply an alternative for dairy intolerant.....I have both of these variants in my direct family and still manage to have cheese and wine Christmas eves party every year that we all partake in (Also have people who don't drink alcohol)

Minewasthesame · 06/01/2024 13:47

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 06/01/2024 12:52

If guests have to pay for their own food it’s a sign that you’re having a wedding that is beyond your means. You can’t have the wedding you want simply by asking guests to help pay for it - that’s very bad manners. Anyone in this situation needs to trim the costs: fewer guests, cheaper dress, shop bought cake, no table fancies, cheaper honeymoon etc etc before trying to charge guests to attend their wedding. It’s not fair simply because you’re choosing the venue etc etc then effectively asking them to cover your costs for this or the wedding can’t go ahead. So you need to lower your budget. You also can’t ask them to pay for food instead of buying a gift because this is also rude in making the assumption that you’ll get everyone to buy you a present. Yes, people will get you them but it at least has to feel like a choice to do so!

Surely it’s a sign that the wedding is about getting married not having a big party? I had a small wedding not because we couldn’t afford it but because I didn’t want one.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 06/01/2024 13:14

A friend of mine did this exact thing. It was. O more expensive for us than a night out and We were all just happy to be there to see them get married.

Scarletttulips · 06/01/2024 13:09

If guests have to pay for their own food it’s a sign that you’re having a wedding that is beyond your means

Nope!

It means OP wishes to share her celebration with people who want to be there. No new outfits needed, no gifts, just food to pay for.

Second marriage in her 50’s OP wants a marriage not a wedding.

Parker231 · 06/01/2024 12:56

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 06/01/2024 12:52

If guests have to pay for their own food it’s a sign that you’re having a wedding that is beyond your means. You can’t have the wedding you want simply by asking guests to help pay for it - that’s very bad manners. Anyone in this situation needs to trim the costs: fewer guests, cheaper dress, shop bought cake, no table fancies, cheaper honeymoon etc etc before trying to charge guests to attend their wedding. It’s not fair simply because you’re choosing the venue etc etc then effectively asking them to cover your costs for this or the wedding can’t go ahead. So you need to lower your budget. You also can’t ask them to pay for food instead of buying a gift because this is also rude in making the assumption that you’ll get everyone to buy you a present. Yes, people will get you them but it at least has to feel like a choice to do so!

The OP has already explained that the wedding is at a registry office with immediate family and close friends.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 06/01/2024 12:52

If guests have to pay for their own food it’s a sign that you’re having a wedding that is beyond your means. You can’t have the wedding you want simply by asking guests to help pay for it - that’s very bad manners. Anyone in this situation needs to trim the costs: fewer guests, cheaper dress, shop bought cake, no table fancies, cheaper honeymoon etc etc before trying to charge guests to attend their wedding. It’s not fair simply because you’re choosing the venue etc etc then effectively asking them to cover your costs for this or the wedding can’t go ahead. So you need to lower your budget. You also can’t ask them to pay for food instead of buying a gift because this is also rude in making the assumption that you’ll get everyone to buy you a present. Yes, people will get you them but it at least has to feel like a choice to do so!

AnotherEmma · 06/01/2024 12:25

Agree!

Arkhamasylum · 06/01/2024 12:21

…I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in…
^^
I think that sounds awesome!

AnotherEmma · 06/01/2024 11:03

Your revised plan sounds lovely, OP.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/01/2024 10:53

If it was my good friend I would understand and want to be there anyway to celebrate.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/01/2024 10:53

I think I'd just make it more like a gathering in the pub and an order your own food and drinks at the bar, this is what my friends did for the night before their wedding - make it very very clear that it's not pre paid. Then people can take or leave the invite.

NewYear24 · 06/01/2024 10:51

If money is tight why not order a cheese wedding cake made up of 3/4 cheese wheels and have a small drinks reception with the cheese and biscuits+ fruit as the centre piece.....I've been invited to one of these and it was lovely.
Not do good for vegans and people who are intolerant to dairy.

Whenisthenextholiday · 06/01/2024 10:50

Beastieboys · 06/01/2024 10:40

If money is tight why not order a cheese wedding cake made up of 3/4 cheese wheels and have a small drinks reception with the cheese and biscuits+ fruit as the centre piece.....I've been invited to one of these and it was lovely.

That sounds great!

Swannyb · 06/01/2024 10:48

If I were a close friend, I’d have no issue paying for myself but to be honest drinks and buffet in a relaxed setting such as your house sounds a lot more fun than a hotel meal. Enjoy!

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 06/01/2024 10:42

Kattiekat · 05/01/2024 12:57

If my friends wanted to get married and couldn’t afford a meal for me I would be more than happy to pay for my own.

the thought of being with them on their special day would mean the world to me. I would have bought them a gift anyway so this would be the meal instead of a gift.

This 100%

If I was your friend I would happily pay and get you a present 🎁

Beastieboys · 06/01/2024 10:40

If money is tight why not order a cheese wedding cake made up of 3/4 cheese wheels and have a small drinks reception with the cheese and biscuits+ fruit as the centre piece.....I've been invited to one of these and it was lovely.

Savagecabbage101 · 06/01/2024 10:38

if you can’t afford to pay for the meal just invite them for a drink. Some people do ask people to pay but I think avoid it if at all possible. If money is tight for you, it might be for them. They might not want to spend £60/£70 on that meal and then feel obliged to go and resent it.

threatmatrix · 06/01/2024 10:27

Iwasafool · 04/01/2024 18:24

Sounds fine to me. Easier than stressing about what present to buy you.

Congratulations and hope it all goes well and that your health is OK now.

So because you paid for your own meal you would’nt. give them a present? 😂

threatmatrix · 06/01/2024 10:25

Real friends wouldn’t give two hoots. I’d be happy to pay for my meal.

Bella43 · 06/01/2024 10:07

I would have no problem with this at all. If a friend of mine was getting married and said they were thinking of going for a meal afterwards, I'd assume I was paying anyway.

suwatts · 06/01/2024 09:48

I personally would be fine with that. You could ask if they would like to join you for the meal afterwards. Send them a copy of the menu and apologise that you can’t afford to pay for anyone. As long as it’s clear. Hope you have a lovely day.

Whatever86 · 06/01/2024 08:42

Hi, as long as you tell them beforehand and they agree, there is nothing wrong with this. I went with my partner for a wedding in Turkey, we paid for everything, but they didn't tell us we wouldn't even get one drink. It was shocking and upsetting as it wasn't fair not to mention this before agreeing to attend. I think honestly is the best policy so if people can afford it, they will come, if not they might skip it. Hope this helps x

Notastayathomemum · 06/01/2024 02:28

Personally I think it’s fine, just communicate this as such. A get together to celebrate your wedding rather than a wedding. If your friends really are friends they would understand, especially at this age. Maybe if you can afford just put out welcome drinks and once those are finished people buy their own. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.