To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

Sorry, but I would be too embarrassed to ask this and I know people would privately baulk at being asked, even if they agreed.

Why not have a small wedding and a later get together at a pub? I don’t think people would object to paying for drinks.

Agree with everyone else that as long as you're clear, it's okay. I also think a very small gathering makes it a lot more acceptable - if you were inviting 120 people I think I'd be a bit annoyed and feel like rather just keep it to the key people.

Also, does your budget stretch to some wine/bubbles or whatever beforehand because if so, you could say you're doing a few drinks beforehand. YOu'd love everyone to stay also for dinner, but as that cost needs to be met by individual guests you'd totally understand if they an't make it.

And agree - this is not the time for super fancy venues.

This - and its better than saying "instead of a gift we'd ask you to pay for your meal" which presumes a gift. Better to isolate the two.

Please be our guest for speeches fizz, and wedding cake at x place.

We will then be going for dinner at Y afterwards. It would be great if you could join us - the menu is <here >, cards will be accepted on the night/ we will be paying a deposit so please let us know if you will be joining us for dinner by Z date.

If you choose a reasonably priced set menu, everyone pays for their own drinks and make it very clear from the start that this is the case (and why) and state do not bring a gift

I'd pay, but I'd be happier with really good pub grub than hotel food.

I have to say, if I wanted to get married but couldn't afford the reception celebration after, I'd just get married as cheaply as possible and forget about including other people. There's no expectation to do the whole thing when money's tight.

• or when money isn't tight.

I've been to a wedding like this and it was great. We went to an all-you-can eat Chinese buffet and everyone paid for themselves. The bride was clear on the invitations and nobody cared. We were happy to have been invited!

If it's "some of us are going for a meal afterwards, would you like to join?"rather than part of the wedding itself then I think you're ok to make it clear that everyone is paying their own way.

Why don't you ring them rather than formally invite them?

Hi Friend, we are getting married...blah, blah, blah...we are having a registry office wedding and the whole thing is on a major budget. We weren't going to do anything after but our families suggested we all go out for dinner, rather than any kind of reception. We wondered if you'd like to join us for <both parts/dinner>. We're doing everything on a shoestring so I'm afraid we can't offer to pay but if you did want to join us we'd love to see you!

Much easier over the phone assuming it will be 5-6 people?

YABVU. Hire a function room at a pub and do a buffet.

If that’s still too much hire a village hall and ask everyone to bring a dish.

Or if you don’t want to spend anything, get married with a couple of witnesses and tell people you’ll be in X pub afterwards if they want to join you for a drink to celebrate.

But whatever you do, don’t choose a fancy hotel and then expect your guests to pay for it.

I'd love this! Unless i was having to pay somwthinf else to attend (wear a particular colour, travel miles etc) and there was no expectation i'd be up for it. Far better to choose what I eat and drink and pay for it than feel forced to give £50-100 as a "gift" and suffer a substandard meal.

Do it. Any friends close enough to ask to this kind of small event would understand.

I think its fine as long as you're clear and phrase it right, making clear that that part is completely optional but you'd love to see them. Alternatively could one of your family help host a buffet-style meal that you could DIY quite cheaply?

If you were a friend of mine I would not have a problem about paying for my own meal. It’s the occasion that a good friend would be happy to attend.

Depends how you frame it really - if you’re expecting them to pay for their own meal whilst also buying you a wedding gift then, no. Why not just go out for a meal at a later date with friends to celebrate your marriage?

It’s funny how varied opinions are on this. They’re really good friends so presumably they know the situation & you’re in regular contact?! A formal invitation from a distant friend with an additional note saying ‘you’re paying for yourself’ would make me raise my eyebrows. But in a close group of friends this is completely fine imho.

If they are close friends I'd just ask them verbally if they would like to join you after and make clear all are paying for their own food and drink. A set menu would certainly make the arrangements easier.

I wouldn't send invites as this would seem traditional and confusing.

same as most others here I think as long as it’s clear in advance and people have the option to view the menu and see if they can afford it then I think that’s absolutely fine. :)

As you're both in your fifties, I imagine your friends are a similar age, and been round the block a few times when it comes to weddings. Absolutely mentioned they are welcome at the self-funded meal if they wish.

I'd just invite them to a drink after the meal unless your family offer

You know your friends OP. Why not test it out with a couple of them? Give them a call and see what they think. I bet most people will be fine with it, as someone said earlier - as you get older you get a bit more realistic!

I think this is perfect

Cut your coat to fit your cloth. If you can’t afford to pay for dinner, serve punch, cake, and sparkling wine only. Asking people to pay for their meals is not appropriate.

If they're close friends just ask them. It would not phase me at all, for good friends and in the right circumstances we'd be happy to pay our own way in order to join the celebrations.

I'd be fine with this but I wouldn't be happy if the place was extremely expensive. I think how you deliver the information is crucial. I wouldn't dress it up as too weddingy if that makes sense...more a we're getting married and we'd love to celebrate with you afterwards...here's a link to the restaurant and the menu/prices. Naturally we are not expecting gifts sort of thing

Another vote for if it’s super clear then I’d be totally fine with it. Only exception would be if it was a really expensive place. I’d much rather go to a really lovely pub/restaurant and celebrate with my friends (paying for myself!) than think my friends were stressing about it. I also think it’s different when you’re a little bit older, everyone’s got a much more rational view of weddings by then!

Yeah, I think it’s fine - as long as it’s clear in advance people can decide if they’re happy to do it. You could phrase it as an alternative to a gift, perhaps?