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Original poster

To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

558 replies

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 04/01/2024 18:47

Many congratulations. But don’t ask guest to pay for the wedding breakfast, could you have less guests, that you can afford to pay for?

Itslegitimatesalvage · 04/01/2024 18:47

Janiie · 04/01/2024 18:43

Nooo you can't do this. Weddings are expensive what with outfits, travel, presents etc. The least one can expect is to be fed.

Just keep it to the family only who have agreed to pay.

Did you read it? It isn’t a “wedding” like that so it isn’t expensive for anyone. It’s a registry office and then out for dinner in a local hotel with no gifts. So no one is spending money on outfits and gifts and travel and accommodation. It’s literally just going to dinner with your friends to congratulate them.

tara66 · 04/01/2024 18:47

Well will expect wedding presents in this situation?

Janiie · 04/01/2024 18:46

NahHumBrag · 04/01/2024 18:45

I’m torn…

If a really good friend asked me to do this, I’d be surprised but I’d get over myself and be fine about it.

There’s no way on Gods green earth I would ask friends or family to do this. I’d rather just me and my intended at the wedding and then have all F&F round to mine one Saturday after the wedding and put on easy food and drinks.

Exactly a buffet at home definitely the better option.

BetterWithPockets · 04/01/2024 18:46

princessconsuelobananahammock · 04/01/2024 18:29

Another vote for if it’s super clear then I’d be totally fine with it. Only exception would be if it was a really expensive place. I’d much rather go to a really lovely pub/restaurant and celebrate with my friends (paying for myself!) than think my friends were stressing about it. I also think it’s different when you’re a little bit older, everyone’s got a much more rational view of weddings by then!

This!

Merryoldgoat · 04/01/2024 18:46

I wouldn’t mind paying but for me I just couldn’t countenance having a wedding and asking people to pay.

gannett · 04/01/2024 18:45

I would expect to pay, and have no problem at all with it, if a friend invited me to this kind of meal.

NahHumBrag · 04/01/2024 18:45

I’m torn…

If a really good friend asked me to do this, I’d be surprised but I’d get over myself and be fine about it.

There’s no way on Gods green earth I would ask friends or family to do this. I’d rather just me and my intended at the wedding and then have all F&F round to mine one Saturday after the wedding and put on easy food and drinks.

Original poster
fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:45

Thanks so much for your responses. A mixed response, as expected! It's really helped me though; I think we're going to go for a meal after the ceremony for family only followed by an informal buffet and drinks at our house afterwards. I'd hate to offend anyone.

OP posts:
autumn1610 · 04/01/2024 18:44

Just tell your friends what you are doing and if they want to come then do and if they don’t want to pay say you would love if they could meet you for a drink either after the wedding and before the meal or after the meal if they aren’t coming to the wedding. I wouldn’t be overly fussed as don’t want a big wedding

ForeverYellow · 04/01/2024 18:44

I did exactly what you are proposing. No gifts . Then we all had cake and drinks . In the evening we all wasn’t to an Indian restaurant and payed for our own .it was a long time ago but I don’t remember any awkwardness . I have also paid my meals at friends birthday parties .

Janiie · 04/01/2024 18:43

Nooo you can't do this. Weddings are expensive what with outfits, travel, presents etc. The least one can expect is to be fed.

Just keep it to the family only who have agreed to pay.

itsmylife7 · 04/01/2024 18:43

If it was a very good friend and taking in to account your health issues .... I'd have no issues at all with paying.

Hope all goes well for you.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 04/01/2024 18:43

For close friends, that’s absolutely fine. They’ll already know things are tight financially if they’re close to you. It’s absolutely fine to ask if they’d like to come but pay for their meal or just meet for a drink after and then you could maybe shout them one drink each. They’re close friends, it’s different from a guest list of hundreds of people you’re barely acquainted with.

gelatogina · 04/01/2024 18:42

please make sure the venue are ok with separate bills/paying at the bar because I would be most worried about trying to split one bill between so many people, and someone (usually the one drinking heavily) uttering the words ‘shall we just split it’

sonjadog · 04/01/2024 18:42

I would be fine with this for a close friend’s wedding. Just choose a place with a budget that people can easily afford.

Minewasthesame · 04/01/2024 18:42

It’s your wedding, you can do what you like, if they don’t want to pay for a meal they don’t need to come or they can pop in for a drink afterwards.

vincettenoir · 04/01/2024 18:41

Yeah it's fine. I would be very happy to accept an invite like this from a good friend. I hope it's a great day. Enjoy!

Saltysausage · 04/01/2024 18:41

I wouldn’t have a problem with the s as long as it’s local so I’m not paying for a hotel on top of the dinner.

Mountainpika · 04/01/2024 18:40

Sounds OK to me. I'd be happy to pay for a meal with friends to celebrate their wedding. Obvioulsy not somewhere expensively posh, but there are plenty of pubs/restaurants that would be absolutely fine. Have a good day!

user1471519902 · 04/01/2024 18:40

Sounds fine to me if they are good friends. You don't need presents at this stage of the game. Although for heavens sake 50 and 53 isn't old!!

If you can afford to pay for wine at the table and a drink beforehand that would be even better. Ask the friends and see what they say. As the saying goes those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Or words to that effect.

Let them know the venue so they can check the prices.

Seaitoverthere · 04/01/2024 18:39

I’m a similar age and would happily pay for my meal as long as it is sensibly priced. I think it is a sensible idea.

Blingismything · 04/01/2024 18:39

Have the latest slot for the ceremony and then host canapés and dinks for friends and family, then have the meal in the evening for family only

Westfacing · 04/01/2024 18:39

I think it would be better for family members to chip-in and you host a buffet at home/family member home - it would be more inclusive.

Aspiringhermit · 04/01/2024 18:38

You would need to be very upfront about it I personally wouldn't do it because I just know there would be one CF who would pretend not to know and I'd be worrying about it. Possibly better to invite them for drinks only later.