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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

558 replies

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

OP posts:
ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 04/01/2024 18:56

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 04/01/2024 18:55

In normal circumstances I'd say you absolutely can't ask people to pay but with health issues, I think you can.

Just keep it at a reasonably priced place, cos cost of living innit.

And make it clear no one is to go to any extra expense, like new outfits, gifts etc, keep it local so there are no hotel or travel costs too.

pizzaHeart · 04/01/2024 18:56

I think it won’t be a traditional wedding in a way so your meal should reflect this - going to a pub or a local Italian place and ask people to pay for themselves is fine, sit down meal in a more expensive place not so. You also have to be clear about paying with friends.

By the way I wouldn’t like to be asked upfront about it as a lot depends on details: cost of meal, travel, possible accommodation. And what’s cheap for some are not cheap for others.

SquishyGloopyBum · 04/01/2024 18:56

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:45

Thanks so much for your responses. A mixed response, as expected! It's really helped me though; I think we're going to go for a meal after the ceremony for family only followed by an informal buffet and drinks at our house afterwards. I'd hate to offend anyone.

I wouldn't do a dinner and a later buffet. What will guests do in the middle bit? What if the dinner runs on?

I honestly wouldn't mind one but being asked to pay for my own meal. I'd have a system in place regarding how to split the bill at the end so that people pay for what they eat/drink only.

Original poster
fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:55

CharlotteBog · 04/01/2024 18:54

I would be sad to miss out on celebrating a good friend's marriage just because they felt they couldn't ask us to pay for ourselves.
I like to think my friends can be honest and our friendship is more important than convention.
In lieu of a present it seems ideal.

This is exactly how I'd feel. However, judging these responses, it's likely not everyone would feel the same....

OP posts:
Sconehenge · 04/01/2024 18:55

I would have no problem paying my way, it would just be like going out for a group dinner surely? Do your day how you want to do it! An idea could be - night before wedding you have “rehearsal dinner” with family and then day of wedding you invite friends and family to registry office for the ceremony then head to yours for the buffet, champagne and cake. That way your friends feel part of the whole day, and you get the special family meal too. And even though it’s low budget, you’ve still celebrated over two days with everyone so it feels like a special event.

janfebmarchapril · 04/01/2024 18:55

Wouldn't bother me at all. I'd 100% rather pay for my own meal than think someone was struggling to pay for it!

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 04/01/2024 18:55

In normal circumstances I'd say you absolutely can't ask people to pay but with health issues, I think you can.

Just keep it at a reasonably priced place, cos cost of living innit.

CharlotteBog · 04/01/2024 18:54

I would be sad to miss out on celebrating a good friend's marriage just because they felt they couldn't ask us to pay for ourselves.
I like to think my friends can be honest and our friendship is more important than convention.
In lieu of a present it seems ideal.

Alwaystired23 · 04/01/2024 18:54

Out of interest, do you have any budget to provide food? I was 40 last year, I had an area in my local pub, I invited about 35 people. In total it cost me £600, so nowhere near the cost of wedding reception in the hotel. I sent the menu to people beofe hand (as requested by the pub). I'm just thinking if you look into it, it might not be as expensive as you think.

Pinkelephant66 · 04/01/2024 18:54

I don’t think it’s problem at all. I’d happily pay for my own meal!

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 04/01/2024 18:54

Ericaequites · 04/01/2024 18:29

Cut your coat to fit your cloth. If you can’t afford to pay for dinner, serve punch, cake, and sparkling wine only. Asking people to pay for their meals is not appropriate.

I agree!

NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 04/01/2024 18:54

YABU - Why don't you have your reception somewhere cheaper like at home or a village hall and organise the catering yourself. I honestly don't think you should ask people to pay.

hookiewookie29 · 04/01/2024 18:54

I think if you're inviting people to your wedding then it's cheeky to ask them to pay for their own meals. Me and DH got married in a register office. We didn't get married until 4.00pm so we didn't have a sit down meal then an evening 'do', we just had the one lot of food which was a hot buffet in a good old fashioned pub and invited 35 people. It was the best day,and didn't cost a fortune.

Rockfordpeach · 04/01/2024 18:53

My friend is doing this. Has asked that people pay for their meal in lieu of a wedding present. More than happy to do so

RoseGoldEagle · 04/01/2024 18:53

Have you been to weddings of theirs? I guess the problem is that lots of people are short of money at the moment and some might resent it a bit. Depends on your friends though I suppose- presumably you’re only thinking of a few close ones?

Thinking of my own friends, there are a few people I’d definitely do this for, others who to be honest take the piss a bit when it comes to money and I’d think it cheeky. Like one couple who aren’t badly off, go on several holidays a year and buy other expensive things, and turn up to events hosted by others and don’t contribute- but then ask for contributions of a fair amount of money when they themselves host. As long as you’re not in this camp of people I’m sure close friends will understand!

Caggers · 04/01/2024 18:53

It’s a bit Beggy Mitchell because I’m sure you’ll be accepting gifts, and given it’s customary to give a gift when invited to a wedding, you’ll get them.

Pollyannamex · 04/01/2024 18:52

I’d rather be invited to join in the celebrations and pay for my own dinner, than be left out…but whatever you choose, I hope you have a fabulous day OP.

QueSyrahSyrah · 04/01/2024 18:51

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:45

Thanks so much for your responses. A mixed response, as expected! It's really helped me though; I think we're going to go for a meal after the ceremony for family only followed by an informal buffet and drinks at our house afterwards. I'd hate to offend anyone.

Honestly OP, if close friends are offended by this I'd be reconsidering if they're really friends or not.

I'm agog at some of the answers on this thread. I can't imagine being offended or 'baulking' at the idea of sharing in a friend's celebration, even if it does come at the price of a meal. My friends are my friends because I love them and their joys are my joys. I couldn't care less if they're not in a financial position to host me.

Pollyannamex · 04/01/2024 18:51

Itslegitimatesalvage · 04/01/2024 18:47

Did you read it? It isn’t a “wedding” like that so it isn’t expensive for anyone. It’s a registry office and then out for dinner in a local hotel with no gifts. So no one is spending money on outfits and gifts and travel and accommodation. It’s literally just going to dinner with your friends to congratulate them.

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Some people really can’t get their heads round the low key nature of this can they 😂

Janiie · 04/01/2024 18:50

Itslegitimatesalvage · 04/01/2024 18:47

Did you read it? It isn’t a “wedding” like that so it isn’t expensive for anyone. It’s a registry office and then out for dinner in a local hotel with no gifts. So no one is spending money on outfits and gifts and travel and accommodation. It’s literally just going to dinner with your friends to congratulate them.

Show quote history

I think you still wear outfits for registry office dos and unless they live on site will need to travel with associates costs.

If the op ensures no gifts then maybe the pay for yourself may be doable but I'd still opt for a do at home and cater cheaply.

Knitgoodwoman · 04/01/2024 18:49

As others have said, if it’s a few very close friends and you think they’d be understanding then fine. Pick somewhere reasonably priced and let them know before hand.
More than a few close friends and family I think it would start to ruffle feathers.
I did a free bar at my wedding partly for this reason, so people could just have fun and enjoy themselves.

DillDanding · 04/01/2024 18:49

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:45

Thanks so much for your responses. A mixed response, as expected! It's really helped me though; I think we're going to go for a meal after the ceremony for family only followed by an informal buffet and drinks at our house afterwards. I'd hate to offend anyone.

That sounds like a great solution.

Grimbelina · 04/01/2024 18:48

I would feel very uncomfortable asking people to pay... but then I am also someone who doesn't like pay bars either. Could you not have a party at home with a buffet (or whatever you could afford) so you could actually host? You know your friends though and if you think they would be OK with paying for a meal then do it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/01/2024 18:47

I'd do it. As long as you make clear that this would be instead of any presents, and you won't be at all offended if anyone wants to decline, and there is also the option of joining later for drinks instead.

I think it's a lot less 'cheeky' than getting married a distance away (so people have to pay to travel and stay over), having a wedding with a dress code (so people have to buy new outfits) and having a gift registry or asking for contributions to honeymoon etc. People can spend thousands on attending a wedding, and a lot of people spend hundreds...so why is it cheeky to ask for the cost of a meal, if its completely optional?

Go for it!

storminabuttercup · 04/01/2024 18:47

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:45

Thanks so much for your responses. A mixed response, as expected! It's really helped me though; I think we're going to go for a meal after the ceremony for family only followed by an informal buffet and drinks at our house afterwards. I'd hate to offend anyone.

Would friends be at the ceremony? If so your solution would seem a bit odd.
Personally I'd have no problem paying for my own meal and would be happy to be invited as long as no hotel stay needed etc