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Original poster

To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

558 replies

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

OP posts:
HeidiHunter · 07/01/2024 16:19

It is unreasonable. A wedding is a one-off and it does seem odd that you couldn't have save up to host your guests (which traditionally means providing a meal).

LoveBluey · 07/01/2024 16:10

People are just hung up on what they think a 'wedding' should be. If you wanted to plan a night out with a group of friends but couldn't afford to pay for everyone of course people would say don't be ridiculous just arrange it and ask everyone to pay their own share. It just happens to be a meal after a wedding.

I'd happily pay and if I didn't like the idea I'd just decline the invitation.

I would be much happier invited to a pub/restaurant rather than being asked to bring a dish for a buffet. That would be hassle and I honestly don't enjoy parties with buffet food. Would much prefer a proper sit down meal.

Angela2406 · 07/01/2024 15:20

I don't think this is unreasonable...any real friends would want to be part of your celebrations...

How about something like 'Your presence is much more important to us than any present...we would love it if you could celebrate with us and pay for your meal as our budget is very tight...'

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 11:49

neighboursmustliveon · 05/01/2024 20:19

We suggested this to friends and it was exactly what they did. Non of us friends minded paying for a meal. It was a starter and carvery for £15 a head. They expected no gifts.

The only time I was a bit out out was when I found out she had spent nearly £1000 on her dress which I though was a bit much given we were paying for our food.

SI long as you are up front I don’t see the problem.

As long as they didn't want gifts, I don't really see the issue. I would spend far far more than £15.00 on a wedding gift for a friend, so I would still be coming out ahead!

LJAhmet · 07/01/2024 11:02

Wow I can't believe what some people have said on here. It just shows how selfish people are. Weddings are about celebrating two people's commitment and love for each other. Why should they miss out because of money. If your closest people really care about you and actually just want to celebrate your big day then they shouldn't care. Didn't even realise people thought this. My friend had a wedding last year it was beautiful and all she did was hire a reception room at a cricket club and everyone bought their drinks and celebrated. Someone said if your inviting them you should expect them to pay? So if you invite people out for a night for your birthday you should pay for them? Someone else said I would be pissed if they turned up in an expensive dress? What the actual hell, its your big day and the dress is what every girl dreams of from being a child and should be the main priority. Listen you go for it and if people don't understand then they really don't care about you. I hope you end up having a lovely day and don't stress about any of it x

Crafthead · 07/01/2024 10:12

If these are close friends why not just explain individually as you've done here that you'd love them to be there, but can't afford to pay for them to eat, and understand if they would like to just come for a drink afterwards. Perhaps make it clear you don't expect gifts and make it casual as many would spend the cost of the meal on a gift or an outfit.

It was a long time ago (1999), but I got married for £3k which paid for the registry office, my outfit (not traditional, purchased at Camden market!), a sit down meal on a barge for 30, a buffet & disco at a pub with £200 behind the bar for drinks for 150 in the evening .

Ifhappylittlebluebirdsfly222 · 07/01/2024 10:05

I was going to say absolutely not but after reading the op it doesn't seem so bad.

NorthernSturdyGirl · 07/01/2024 09:36

Well, I have to say that this is what a close friend did many years ago and I knew exactly what basis I was invited on and was happy to join in.

They just wanted to be married and following many financial setbacks, decided to book the registry office and stay simple. Close immediate family at wedding only.

They sent out a short note telling friends and family that in an ideal world they would want us their as their guests but the financial reality meant this would make their wedding many years in the future and they wanted to wed now.

They offered an option to join them at a local Italian afterwards at our own expense and that we would need to prebook/pay and 60 of us did just that.

A few weeks after their actual wedding they had a small gathering with a buffet at home and most people took a dish to help spread the cost.

I have to say that we thoroughly enjoyed it and would be happy to do this again.

It cost us £50 a head for food plus drinks and to be honest, we saved on a posh wedding outfit, we got to eat and drink what we wanted and a good time was had by all.

Willmafrockfit · 07/01/2024 07:21

i see you have made the decision,
good one op
enjoy your day

Willmafrockfit · 07/01/2024 07:14

have the reception in your house, or provide the food yourself

nalione · 07/01/2024 06:58

If you can't afford it then I wouldn't invite them to the sit down dinner just the drinks reception. That way they are still part of the day but there's less to request. Just let them know they'll have to pay at the bar.

Jack80 · 06/01/2024 19:30

If you can afford a room or use your house do a buffet if not could you go a local pub and have a few drinks.

Benibidibici · 06/01/2024 19:04

Id just mention to friends apologetically that while you'd have loved to include them, you just can't afford to host anyone.

In my group quite a few or us would then chime in with "well we'd love to come- we'll pay our way if you'll have us". Always better to engineer a situation where people can offer if they'd like to, than to ask.

Longma · 06/01/2024 19:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Longma · 06/01/2024 19:00

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PaddyIrishWoman · 06/01/2024 17:46

Maybe it's just me but I'd be a little embarrassed saying to my friends and family "I can't afford a wedding so would you mind paying for own meal?". No shade to the OP, I couldn't afford a wedding myself at the moment either but I just wouldn't have the balls to admit that, even to my extreme nearest and dearest! The plans you have suggested sound lovely.

LaurieStrode · 06/01/2024 16:27

Swannyb · 06/01/2024 10:48

If I were a close friend, I’d have no issue paying for myself but to be honest drinks and buffet in a relaxed setting such as your house sounds a lot more fun than a hotel meal. Enjoy!

Agree with this.

The only issue I can think of is whether people leave. You might want to set a time on the invitations like "Open house 4-8pm" or whatever works.

Sceptical123 · 06/01/2024 16:26

What I think a lot of ppl have lost sight of is the fact that weddings are means to be celebrations of a couple GETTING MARRIED! That’s the point!!!

No guest is owed a free meal just bc the couple had the audacity to invite them - what?! It runs into thousands of pounds including family and friends, on top of everything else! Which means the couple is saddled with debt unless they dive into savings that could be spent on practical things like a mortgage/rent/cost of living, or they aren’t allowed to invite all the friends and family they want to share the day with them bc they can’t afford it.

Since when have weddings been more about the party/meal than the actual ceremony? (Forever, I know, it’s ridiculous!) Ppl can celebrate however they want, but to be offended if they don’t offer to pay for ONE meal bc they’d rather be able to have you there on the day - how is that out of order or offensive?

Outthedoor24 · 06/01/2024 16:17

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 06/01/2024 12:52

If guests have to pay for their own food it’s a sign that you’re having a wedding that is beyond your means. You can’t have the wedding you want simply by asking guests to help pay for it - that’s very bad manners. Anyone in this situation needs to trim the costs: fewer guests, cheaper dress, shop bought cake, no table fancies, cheaper honeymoon etc etc before trying to charge guests to attend their wedding. It’s not fair simply because you’re choosing the venue etc etc then effectively asking them to cover your costs for this or the wedding can’t go ahead. So you need to lower your budget. You also can’t ask them to pay for food instead of buying a gift because this is also rude in making the assumption that you’ll get everyone to buy you a present. Yes, people will get you them but it at least has to feel like a choice to do so!

Read the Ops posts and tell us what bits she can chop out?

The wedding is already very frugal.

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 06/01/2024 16:08

No
i think you should pay for whatever your budget stretches to ie if you can only pay for immediate family then that’s all you invite

sorry but I think it’s cheeky and grabby otherwise especially if you’re thinking presents as well

Previousreligion · 06/01/2024 14:56

If I was invited to a friend's wedding "it's a small informal wedding at the registry office and if you'd like to join us for dinner at Bella Italia/the local pub/other inexpensive eatery we'd love to see you", and it was made clear we'd have to pay for ourselves I'd be more than happy to come.

Esp if I didn't need to stay anywhere overnight. I'd still buy a gift.

IceLollipop · 06/01/2024 14:51

I wouldn’t mind this, but logistically how would it work? How would people pay? My concern would be if they all have to order pay individually half the people will have eaten before everyone ordered, if it’s more “pay for what you eat and drink” I guarantee that people will underpay/forget service charge and you’ll be left out of pocket.

Could you find a room to hire (village hall etc) and ask everyone to bring a dish and a bottle (there’s loads of app/websites now so you don’t end up with 30 plates of sausage rolls)?

Daffidale · 06/01/2024 14:49

fml666 · 04/01/2024 20:26

Thanks all.

The furthest anyone would have to travel would be a 90 min drive. A lot are much less, more like 30 mins drive. Registrar's office to our house is 15 mins drive.

This has been really helpful. I totally get the cost involved with attending a wedding, outfit, travel, present, dog sitting, petrol, hotel room potentially etc etc. Therefore I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in. I'll probably wear a long, floral maxi dress I already have with a flower in my hair. No formal bridal outfit.

Do t think we'll feel like going out for a meal after we've kicked off our shoes, danced around the garden and had a few drinks. Maybe do it at a later date as a PP suggested.

We can also have our own playlist at home with our favourite music.

I think this sounds like a brilliant wedding and much the best solution. If I was your friend I’d love to come to this and think it much better than a meal in a hotel.

If things are tight personally I think it’s also OK to ask for contributions to the buffet. Perhaps instead of gifts?

The idea of ceremony then a meal not everyone is invited to and then the buffet would just be weird.

i hope it goes really well for you.

Fionaville · 06/01/2024 14:45

I wouldn't. I'd spend whatever money you have budgeted (for your meal) on a little afternoon tea for everyone. Sandwiches, cakes and a glass of fizz. Make it the night before and have it in a small pub or a village hall (say its bring a bottle for anybody who wants to drink more) That's what a lot of people used to do, before weddings became a massive expense.
It's obviously personal choice though. I know what kind of do I'd rather go to (it's the latter)

THEDEACON · 06/01/2024 14:43

It is cheeky VERY! If you want to be married just go and get married Skip a celebration if you can't afford to pay for it