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Original poster

To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

558 replies

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

OP posts:
Ejismyf · 04/01/2024 19:05

I'd be completely happy to pay in those circumstances for close friends.

BewaretheIckabog · 04/01/2024 19:05

Really surprised at the answers here - I would have no problem with this and would be delighted to be invited.

Moonshine5 · 04/01/2024 19:04

I don't think you could call them guests as you are not hosting them but you can tell them to meet you for a drink and make them aware food of available.
Congratulations wishing you both every happiness.

Janiie · 04/01/2024 19:04

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:59

And yes, of course I would have made it clear that paying for own meal was in lieu of presents. Still, I think the buffet at home might be the best option. If we're struggling financially it's fair to say some of our friends will be too.

The only drawback to family only at the ceremony, meal for family, then buffet/ drinks at home is that ideally we would have liked friends at the ceremony too, but what will they do until the buffet at home? Unless we scrap the meal completely and just go straight to the buffet/ drinks at home for all...

Straight home to the buffet. Otherwise it'd be all to-ing and fro-ing.

Hotel for 1st wedding anniversary just the 2 of you 🥂

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 04/01/2024 19:04

It was depends if I knew a couple and they were well off and expected us to pay no.
If I know and am fond of the couple then I would absolutely be happy to pay and as people said esp in lieu of a gift!!

OakTree16 · 04/01/2024 19:04

Personally I wouldn’t. Having said that, I went to a wedding where the B&G did a wedding on a budget and just didn’t provide the meal! We still had to sit through all the speeches etc with no food! In that situation I would have rather have paid for my own food

Appleofmyeye2023 · 04/01/2024 19:03

We married in 1990 when incredibly short of money . Husband had just been made redundant

we had quiet reception are office wedding. Parents took us and closest family to lunch in nice pub

we then had a post wedding party. In our own home. Bring a bottle. No presents. I made good filling food. I bought cheap ingridants, cooked everything from scratch . It cost us not a lot, and we had 40 guests, and a lovely evening

it wasn’t the wedding I’d have wanted in ideal situation. But it was all we could do. Putting on some party food can be cheap and home hosting doesn’t cost anything. If foods provided, and a bit of booze, most folks will happily bring a bottle.

notafruit · 04/01/2024 19:03

My friends got married "on the cheap" a few years ago, and made it perfectly clear that we'd have to pay for our own food. The meal was at a local pub, and as there were quite a few of us. they'd managed to negotiate a small discount, and they paid for a few bottles of wine for the tables. I didn't mind a bit. It was nice to be involved in their day. The night "do" was at the local alternative night club. Probably one of the better weddings I've been to.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 04/01/2024 19:03

CharlotteSometimes1 · 04/01/2024 18:25

I wouldn’t, but I don’t think there should be paid bars at weddings either.

Ha ha - I can't imagine anyone in my town ever getting married if that was the case !

MolkosTeenageAngst · 04/01/2024 19:02

It’s fine so long as they know they’re paying for themselves in advance. I think it’s only in very rich circles where the expectation is that the person who does the inviting always pays - it’s normal in my circle of friends for everyone to pay for themselves when going out for a meal. Usually that’s for birthdays but it would no doubt be the same for a wedding.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/01/2024 19:02

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:45

Thanks so much for your responses. A mixed response, as expected! It's really helped me though; I think we're going to go for a meal after the ceremony for family only followed by an informal buffet and drinks at our house afterwards. I'd hate to offend anyone.

That sounds like a good compromise, OP

I'm another who wouldn't have minded provided everything was very clear and that you didn't expect gifts on top, but TBH your choice sounds better all round

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 04/01/2024 19:02

I think it sounds fine . I would send them an informal email/text/whatsapp and explain your position . Ask them if they would like to attend on the basis that they will have to pay for themselves but ask them to rsvp as you will need to know for booking .

I would look upon it as you would going out to celebrate a friend's birthday (eg) - meet in a pub/restaurant and everyone pays for themselves. It's not the same as a party and people shouldn't see it that way .

Alargeoneplease89 · 04/01/2024 19:01

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:55

This is exactly how I'd feel. However, judging these responses, it's likely not everyone would feel the same....

Show quote history

Most people on MN live on another planet with their 6 figure salaries. Your friends and family won't be bothered about paying for a meal and have a choice to accept the invitation.

Otherwise a good call on buffet and drinks at yours. Don't overthiink it and enjoy.

Westfacing · 04/01/2024 19:01

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:59

And yes, of course I would have made it clear that paying for own meal was in lieu of presents. Still, I think the buffet at home might be the best option. If we're struggling financially it's fair to say some of our friends will be too.

The only drawback to family only at the ceremony, meal for family, then buffet/ drinks at home is that ideally we would have liked friends at the ceremony too, but what will they do until the buffet at home? Unless we scrap the meal completely and just go straight to the buffet/ drinks at home for all...

Have the home buffet first for friends and family - then a meal at the hotel for family.

Original poster
fml666 · 04/01/2024 19:00

pizzaHeart · 04/01/2024 18:56

I think it won’t be a traditional wedding in a way so your meal should reflect this - going to a pub or a local Italian place and ask people to pay for themselves is fine, sit down meal in a more expensive place not so. You also have to be clear about paying with friends.

By the way I wouldn’t like to be asked upfront about it as a lot depends on details: cost of meal, travel, possible accommodation. And what’s cheap for some are not cheap for others.

Very good points...

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 04/01/2024 19:00

Of course you can. Ignore the people saying “you invite, you pay”. For many people suggesting going out dinner doesn’t in anyway mean anyone expects to be paid for.

yes weddings are different but if you explain to your friends exactly what you’ve said here then they can choose to attend or not.
if anyone is offended then they’re weird.

icelollycraving · 04/01/2024 19:00

I am unsure how I’d feel on this. If money is tight, I’d say you could have a meal with family who know the score and then on for drinks at a pub. More informal and people will get the gist, particularly if you say we really don’t need any gifts, we have all we need, but can’t afford a big do but just want to be married.
It’s about setting expectations imho. I haven’t been to many weddings but the last one I went to, they asked for vouchers for the honeymoon. Easy. They asked for cocktail dress. Ok. I went v glam and there was no food, no drinks and a really limited bar which was pretty expensive. The bride and groom loved their day but I’m not sure the guests did.
If I was asked to pay my own meal I would be a bit shocked. I am generous but also not wealthy so I’d be concerned I’d end up splitting the bill with people I didn’t know which may be a bit awkward. You don’t need someone with a calculator out working out who had more olives.
What about a barbecue at home (perhaps not in January)
Weddings don’t have to be a money pit but they do need a bit throwing at it.

Infusedwithchamomileandmint · 04/01/2024 19:00

TinyYellow · 04/01/2024 18:35

YABVU. Hire a function room at a pub and do a buffet.

If that’s still too much hire a village hall and ask everyone to bring a dish.

Or if you don’t want to spend anything, get married with a couple of witnesses and tell people you’ll be in X pub afterwards if they want to join you for a drink to celebrate.

But whatever you do, don’t choose a fancy hotel and then expect your guests to pay for it.

Totally agree.
Just cringeing that anyone would consider this.
Just have witnesses and close relatives only.

Coachvikki · 04/01/2024 18:59

Ericaequites · 04/01/2024 18:29

Cut your coat to fit your cloth. If you can’t afford to pay for dinner, serve punch, cake, and sparkling wine only. Asking people to pay for their meals is not appropriate.

This is so stupid. I would much rather have someone ask me to pay for my own dinner than serve me wine I don't want and go without dinner.

I sometimes wonder whether people care about their friends very much

Janiie · 04/01/2024 18:59

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 04/01/2024 18:55

In normal circumstances I'd say you absolutely can't ask people to pay but with health issues, I think you can.

Just keep it at a reasonably priced place, cos cost of living innit.

Health scares aren't necessarily health issues. It is generally what people say when they had a problem, it was worrying but it turned out not to be a problem afterall.

It's fine to celebrate cheaply at home, just get a bbq out and have a karaoke. No need for hotels if it's out of price range.

I wanted to go to the Maldives for our honeymoon years ago but we couldn't afford it. That's life.

Original poster
fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:59

And yes, of course I would have made it clear that paying for own meal was in lieu of presents. Still, I think the buffet at home might be the best option. If we're struggling financially it's fair to say some of our friends will be too.

The only drawback to family only at the ceremony, meal for family, then buffet/ drinks at home is that ideally we would have liked friends at the ceremony too, but what will they do until the buffet at home? Unless we scrap the meal completely and just go straight to the buffet/ drinks at home for all...

OP posts:
Canonlythinkofthisone · 04/01/2024 18:58

I'd invite them to drinks after, but then "extend" the offer to dinner but say it's already paid for, but if people want to come earlier then they're welcome to join if they pay for their own.

This is literally a conversation I've been having with a friend recently.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with it as long as I knew the score, but people are weirdly precious about weddings.

Superscientist · 04/01/2024 18:58

For a small wedding I think it's ok especially when it's a place when they can pick their own food!

We paid for all of our guests .... But there were only 3 of them!

pizzaHeart · 04/01/2024 18:58

@SquishyGloopyBum Could you share the system please?

Coachvikki · 04/01/2024 18:57

Absolutley you can. My friends did this for the same reason. They chose somewhere really reasonable so they weren't landing people with a big bill. I can't imagine why anyone would have any problem with this. People go out with friends all the time and pay for their own dinner.