To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

Similar happened to us last Saturday, my friend's son invited us to his 60th birthday party in a pub restaurant. We had to order in advance, but no one mentioned we would pay for ourselves, until we came to leave. They simply said, don't forget to pay at the bar before you go, shock horror between us all. That was after having brought a very expensive experience present as this is a man who has everything.

I think you should book a set meal, and when you invite people and tell them they will need to pay, tell them the price. This way, they know what they are committing to.
I would also emphasise that as you are not providing a meal, you don’t expect any gifts.

I would be a bit wary of this as a ‘guest’ otherwise - as how do I Konica if my meal will cost £20 or there will be a bill-split of expensive dishes and I will be paying £150?

The alternative is to re-think your location and choose a village hall or similar where you can provide a buffet for your guests.

You can ask them to pay and I expect good friends will be willing to do this and understand. However, what would be nicer would be to ‘cut your cloth’ to what you can afford and provide your guests with something simple. To be honest, if that’s what you can afford, that’s what you probably should have.

I know what I would do. I would ask all of my guests to bring a food offering instead of a gift and that way you have a ready made party that costs absolutely nothing. You can offer a glass of fizz and enjoy your day. Maybe light a fire pit and music on. Celebrate with loved ones. Don’t let a lack of funds stop you 🥂

Not everyone buys wedding presents for older couples.

Not out of meanness, just not knowing what to buy.

That's why it's not right to say No present, just pay for your food'

But looks as if they OP has found a solution.

@Westfacing yes i guess that’s true. Was just thinking if no hen dos/gifts/hotels then that’s pretty low key/cost

We had this situation several years ago, XH's friend got married and they only invited us for drinks in the evening as they couldn't afford for many to go the wedding meal. XH said then that he would have happily paid for his own pub meal if it meant attending their whole wedding.

Presumably you would be asking very close friends who would want to share the day with you. It's all very well saying go home for a buffet, but then you are stuck with the tidying up and clearing away etc before and afterwards and you still have a cost for the food and drinks.

I think you do need to ask them verbally though as things can come across wrong in text and email etc.

If I had a close friend getting married and the choice was no invite or pay for your own meal, then I would happily pay for my own meal.

I think anyone who would be offended , would not actually be a close friend of yours. At the end of the day only you know your friends and how they might view this.

People happily pay for new clothes, shoes, hair, nails, suits, hotels, gifts etc to attend a wedding. If it was casual dress and pub grub and no gift (as their present is their presence!) then that should cost them less overall than a fancy wedding with a free meal!

I agree with PP that your friends would have to be pretty shallow to not want to enjoy your day with you just because its not a fancy wedding with a fancy meal.

Why not - if people can’t afford to fund it, what should they do?

I think if you are not offering food make it really clear you don't want gifts.

It's not quite the same though is it?

Couple in their 20s and a couple in their 50s?

And it's a posh dinner not a pub.

I'd agree that very close friends presumably will understand your situation. Make it casual but clear so that they don't feel obliged either way

if it was a close friend then I’d be completely happy with this.

but the buffet at home might be easier to manage…..

I think it’s fine! I went to one like this years ago, it was a couple in their twenties with a young child so money was tight, they hired a pub (reasonably priced nice food from what I remember) and asked that people could pay for their meal instead of giving presents. There was an evening reception too. It was a lovely day and I didn’t mind paying at all!

@Maireas yes by ‘tea’ I did mean sit-down meal. Just thinking that that costs here could be negligible when compared to other more full-on dos.

I’ll be honest, I would absolutely love this.

Im bored shitless of identikit weddings with set menus of food I wouldn’t choose that think they’re original because they have a sweetie cart and a scratch card for a favour.

Id also be really upset if I knew friends were embarrassed to ask me to share their event because they couldn’t afford to. I’d be quite happy to pay for myself. There’s something horribly transactional about the current expectations of wedding/gift exchange that leaves me with a sour taste.

I would however expect it to be relaxed and enjoyable with no hanging around for hours for photos, brief speeches if any and no bloody slosh please!

I'd much much share in the day and pay my own way than not be involved because of the couple's budgetary reasons. I think an elegant way to do it as suggested by PP is to request no gifts. Also important to share the menu in advance so people know how much they are in for. Much more environmentally friendly for people to contribute towards dinner than be bought stuff you don't need.

It's presumptuous to expect a gift! Couples in their 50s have everything usually (and two of them!)

It's the same point saying come for our wedding meal but pay for yourself. Someone might not think anything of £100 a head (depending) and another friend might not be able to afford it.

How embarrassing to be shown a menu in advance and realise it's all beyond your budget.

And then have to make up a feeble excuse about not being able to come.

Weddings are funded by the couple. If you can't afford to do that, don't do it and do something different.

You shouldn't be expecting or extracting any money from any guests at all. The treat is on you, or not at all.

I don't see it as much different to 'we are going out for Bob's birthday, you're welcome to join us but it's pay your own'

I think a small no frills wedding, with a 20 guests it would be absolutely fine.

A big white wedding with, photographers, wedding cars, and 100 guests paying their own is cheeky.

If you do, go for a meal it goes without saying your should probably buy the first round.

I don't think this is ideal. I think you need to provide something if possible- how many guests are you thinking? A few plates of nice sandwiches? Slices of pizza? It doesn't need to be expensive. People don't expect much.. just be clear what they're getting.
"You are invited to join us for a celebration drink and nibbles following our ceremony at xyz."
I would be happy to attend a party like this. I would also probably attend if I was asked to pay for my meal but I don't think it's quite right if I'm honest.
If your family want you to have a celebration dinner and are happy to pay, would they consider chipping in for something instead of their own meal- a few canapés and a bit behind the bar maybe?
Congratulations and I hope you have a lovely day.

I think its so rude and cheeky plenty of social clubs you can hire for a small fee and get a buffet style food for the fraction of the cost. Its not fair to put the cost on the guests.

Unreasonable. Don't invite them out if you can't pay.

Surprised by how many people think this is cheeky: that's tantamount to saying that if you can't afford to spend thousands on a wedding you shouldn't celebrate with friends. Or that they only want to share a special moment with you if it involves a free dinner. You're not talking about a cast list of hundreds so it's not like you're trying to go for a big lavish celebration you can't afford... it's a nice dinner for close friends and I don't think that's unreasonable!

I'd much much share in the day and pay my own way than not be involved because of the couple's budgetary reasons. I think an elegant way to do it as suggested by PP is to request no gifts. Also important to share the menu in advance so people know how much they are in for. Much more environmentally friendly for people to contribute towards dinner than be bought stuff you don't need.

So I think it's fine but obviously likewise you have to understand if anyone can't afford to attend if the menu is pricy.

You will also need to think about how to deal with splitting the bill. We did a 40th birthday meal where we had a set menu at x price, to reduce confusion about the bill. You still need to think about how to handle drinks... some people might want to be on the champers while others drink Diet Coke...

Agree with the PP who adviser budgeting for a little wiggle room on the bill... there are always people who forget to add service etc!

PS The pub function room idea is nice but even that adds up to thousands if you live in a major city.

Hmmm.it sounds a bit tight.

Of course, you can ask. Just be clear why. State " instead of a wedding gift we would ask you to pay for your meal as we are on a very frugal budget but would still love you to share our day with us"

God no!

There are other options.
A party at home with nibbles and normally people would bring a bottle.

You can invite your family and close friends and pay for them, but do something different for the others.

I've been on the other side of this with 'zero birthdays' from a close friend. Invited to a posh restaurant, then realised we had to pay for our own meals (and often it was averaged out between everyone there, often with more money than us.)

If your family are determined to celebrate with a meal out, can they foot the bill for others to celebrate with you?

I wouldn't mind this at all - and would prefer this option and help celebrate the wedding rather than just drinks after. Maybe you could give both options- we will be going to such and such for dinner at [6pm]. The menu/prices are attached if you would like to join. Alternatively we will be in the bar/home for drinks after from [time] if you prefer to join us then. Let us know.

Really? In Scotland (20 years ago anyway) you got a drink on arrival and wine at the table. Free bar wasn’t heard of.

Anything is fine as long as it's clear in advance.
I'd be fine with this as a guest as long as i knew