To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

You don't 'need' to do anything. The wedding police aren't going to arrest you for making people buy their own glass of Pinot Grigio. You can literally do whatever you want for your own wedding.

She's not getting married in 1950.

Mumsnet really, really struggles to get its collective head round the fact that not all weddings are the same. A wedding isn't necessarily a formal affair with printed invitations and catering and 'outfits'. You can absolutely just phone up your friends and explain what you're thinking, and give them the option of coming or not coming, whether it's for the ceremony only or the reception or a few drinks afterwards or any combination of the above.

Absolutely no reason to offer a free bar at a wedding at all. But you need to offer free wine and soft drinks.

Free bars were different back when weddings were different.

my grandparents had a free bar at their Scottish wedding, but their wedding had close family and friends only (about 30 guests) and ended at 8pm when they went away for their honeymoon. The meal was a buffet put on by the MOB and MOG.

Different now when you’re expected to invite everyone and their dog for a three course meal.

Back in the 60s when my parents were married free bars were common in Scotland - being a good host to your guests was more important than a fancy expensive venue, dress etc. Wedding were in local pubs event rooms/lounges which were cheap/free to hire. Dresses were sometimes hired for the day rather than bought.

It became less common as the emphasis on weddings shifted from being a good host to your guests to being all about the B&G's wants, the big frock etc.

I am in my 50s and never (as an adult - so from mid 80s onwards) been to a wedding with a free bar either - it has not been expected or common for some time now.

It does, this is what weddings should be about, a marriage and all the people you love around you, not all the insta shit thats just for show.

I mean, what does a sweet cart or flower wall actually add to the day? The stress over affording it all that I saw on wedding groups when I was getting married was ridiculous - the flower wall, the doughnut wall, the magic selfie mirror, the sweet cart, the wishing well for cards, there was something else that was really popular at the time too (2019) but I can't remember what it is now, I despised it so much I must have blocked it out 😂

In the end, after many different various types of wedding and number of guests, we had a registry office wedding, in a rose garden, then back to a pub for a BBQ, and 20 guests all in. And it was a fabulous day, we were able to put on a completely free bar as well as the food as we didn't do any of the tat that now goes along with weddings. Smaller is better in my opinion.

You could say the family are going for a meal afterwards at such and such place, but this is not part of the wedding invitation. Anyone who would like to join us would be welcome but at their own expense (sorry we're broke!).

I was asked to do this at a close friend's wedding but it was at a week known casual chain so turning up with a bride in a white dress was a bit odd and then I found out from parents of the groom they'd given them 5k to pay for the wedding and felt uncomfortable that people were now paying for their meals, it was just a small group at the registry office so I'm not sure where the 5k went, but they did upgrade their quite nice car a few weeks later...
I think if you can get a set menu and people pay in advance it's more seamless than a waitress trying to divide bills on the day.

Brilliant update I’m sure it will be a great day 😀

Sounds lovely!

@Bellyblueboy that's awful!

Did people leave not understanding they had to pay?

I think you should scrap the meal with family and have a party at home for special friends and family.

This

I wouldn't I think it's a bit cheeky. Just have them round for a cake and a couple bottles of prosecco after the big day.

I would be agree paying for a meal if the invitation says no presents.

Op if your doing a buffet at home look at some of the supermarkets and find out what they'd cost for sandwich platters.

I'd also ask some of you local pubs and see what they'd charge for a party - don't mention the word wedding - you might get a decent deal and not need to worry about numbers.

Good decision OP. Hotel meal and splitting the bill amongst individuals could get messy even if guets are more than happy to pay for themselves.

Your garden buffet sounds excellent , congratulations and have a lovely day

Oh I somehow missed OP’s final post - yes that sounds good - needs some food though.

I'd happily attend this sort of wedding. I'd see it more like going out to celebrate a friends birthday at a pub where I'd also happily pay for myself.
I'd rather be part of the celebrations than not be included because of budgets.

It sounds like you have reached a great compromise, and it sounds lovely!

Fwiw, I was once invited to a wedding ceremony and then onto a chain Italian restaurant (maybe Pizza Express? can't remember now) but the invitation made it quite clear that the guests were to pay for themselves. Bride and groom provided wine for the table, a champagne toast and wedding cake. It was absolutely fine, as they were clear about it up front.

Totally understand the finance issue - so I would be doing a buffet or tea back at my place. The cheapest would be tea, squash, sandwiches, sausage rolls, cake etc - that shouldn’t come to too much.

Hello me!

I think what the OP has decided will be so fun and so much less stressful for her. Home weddings aren't substandard; they were the norm until not so long ago (watch "Father of the Bride," lol) and if you have a big garden and decent luck on the weather, fine.

If it rains, and everyone is squished indoors drinking Prosecco, well, there are worse things and it will be a great memory. "Remember that romantic rainy day we got married and huddled in the kitchen drinking wine and eating cake?"

The main thing is you are lucky enough to have one another; it's more than many have. All the trappings and trimmings can't top that.

So we did this. September 2020 we had 28 of our closest family and friends coming. We had an original wedding booked abroad in Turkey but with covid, it didn't go ahead. So we found a private hire venue (bottom of a boat) paid £300 for it and asked all our guests if they'd like to join us for a meal but they'd need to pay as we just didn't have the funds for it. All 28 people happily paid and never said anything negative. We spent another £200 on a couple of drinks for everyone and that was it. It was lovely and I would do the same for a close family member/friend. Less sure about an acquaintance but those that matter will do it!

I think it’s really bad manners and awkward to expect people to celebrate you both and pay for themselves.

do some drinks in a pub another time abs put some money behind the bar for friends to toast you