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Original poster

To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

558 replies

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

OP posts:
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pushbaum · 16/10/2024 23:05

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:45

Thanks so much for your responses. A mixed response, as expected! It's really helped me though; I think we're going to go for a meal after the ceremony for family only followed by an informal buffet and drinks at our house afterwards. I'd hate to offend anyone.

Sounds good, I would find it weird to be expected to pay.

YerArseInParsley · 16/10/2024 20:29

@fml666
How was the wedding?

Ilovecleaning · 13/07/2024 18:53

There is something so naff about asking guests to pay for their own dinner. Suggests a lack of commitment somehow. As a guest, I’d pay but I’d think it was really off.

Debs2024 · 13/07/2024 12:51

Just invite them to celebrate with you give them the menu and cost and the option to join you just for drinks if they prefer. Not cheeky you are thinking of them maybe u could pay for the drinks they pay for the meal. No presents required job done .

Bella43 · 09/07/2024 16:27

Zombie thread

GeilistheWitch · 09/07/2024 12:15

Ericaequites · 04/01/2024 18:29

Cut your coat to fit your cloth. If you can’t afford to pay for dinner, serve punch, cake, and sparkling wine only. Asking people to pay for their meals is not appropriate.

Yes, but the bride and groom are going for a meal with their family who are pepared to pay for their own meals and they would like a few friends there too on the same basis:
I think the friends should be given the option: it wouldn't bother me and I'd rather go and pay my way than not be invited because my friends couldn't afford to pay for me.
But I would also hope that it was a moderately priced restaurant so that no one would be put off by the potential cost.

godmum56 · 09/07/2024 08:39

Bamboobzled · 09/04/2024 09:13

Personally I'd get married on our own and then save a bit to be able to have a dinner. Or just have close family who will pay. I'd never invite friends and expect them to pay (hence why we aren't married yet as we'd like to have people for dinner).

Show quote history

wow cannibal mumsnetters, who knew? 😂

WappityWabbit · 08/07/2024 20:37

1mabon · 08/07/2024 13:11

If I had to pay for my own meal then that would be the gift.

Presumably the OP is happily married by now as she started the thread at the beginning of January with the wedding due in May.

mumedu · 08/07/2024 20:31

Fionaville · 06/01/2024 14:45

I wouldn't. I'd spend whatever money you have budgeted (for your meal) on a little afternoon tea for everyone. Sandwiches, cakes and a glass of fizz. Make it the night before and have it in a small pub or a village hall (say its bring a bottle for anybody who wants to drink more) That's what a lot of people used to do, before weddings became a massive expense.
It's obviously personal choice though. I know what kind of do I'd rather go to (it's the latter)

This sounds much nicer.

mumedu · 08/07/2024 20:29

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

Yes, you are being unreasonable. If you can't afford to take care of guests, don't invite them. I had a tiny wedding and it was a happy occasion.

User79853257976 · 08/07/2024 13:14

I thought it would be a no but I’m these circumstances you could say ‘in lieu of a gift, we would love for you to join us for a meal at…’ hopefully that would be clear enough.

1mabon · 08/07/2024 13:11

If I had to pay for my own meal then that would be the gift.

Bamboobzled · 09/04/2024 09:13

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

Personally I'd get married on our own and then save a bit to be able to have a dinner. Or just have close family who will pay. I'd never invite friends and expect them to pay (hence why we aren't married yet as we'd like to have people for dinner).

Lonejohny · 10/01/2024 09:03

My friend had a small wedding. She just said her and new husband were off for a meal after. If anyone wanted to join them she was going to book a table. We were fine with this and paying for ourselves. It was a simple not too expensive but nice pub lunch.

chaosmaker · 10/01/2024 08:56

HeidiHunter · 07/01/2024 16:19

It is unreasonable. A wedding is a one-off and it does seem odd that you couldn't have save up to host your guests (which traditionally means providing a meal).

But why? If you are skint then actual real people that are friends wouldn't care about paying for their own food in order to celebrate. As MANY on this thread have done.

DottyPencil · 08/01/2024 07:32

Your new plan sounds lovely. A party at home with fairy lights in the garden and a buffet sounds like a lot of fun. If you're at all worried about the weather, large party marquees can be bought/hired cheaply and will take that stress away.
Could you ask a couple of family members/friends to club together to fund it as a wedding gift? I've found people love to help and muck in with party prep. There'll be loads of ideas for cheap ways to decorate online.

WaltzingWaters · 08/01/2024 07:24

i think if it’s made clear beforehand and it’s a “you’re welcome to join us for dinner or just drinks afterwards” situation it’s fine. Also make it clear it’s in place of a wedding gift. I’d be happy to do this for a close friend who genuinely was struggling to pay for their wedding and therefore wasn’t going overboard with a huge wedding they couldn’t afford. As long as they have the choice and the reasons it’s fine.

OVienna · 08/01/2024 07:15

Then try to justify if it by saying the evening do is "traditional." It may be conventional but it doesn't make it more "correct" than other sorts I arrangements people may come up with.

OVienna · 08/01/2024 07:12

Mrssnee16 · 07/01/2024 16:57

It's not cheeky no, there's no law that states you must pay for guests meals, especially considering larger weddings with meals included don't have a free bar so the assumption can't be its ok to ask guests to pay for their own drinks but not their meals. If you were to put it on the invites that they're invited to the ceremony then the wedding party will be going for a meal but that it will be at their own expense, or if they didn't want to pay for a meal then maybe pop a time in the invite when guests could meet at the restaurant for drinks only.

Yeah - I think this disconnect hasn't sunk in with some on this thread many of whom I suspect may well defend the two tier guest list of inviting some people to the evening do only (and still expect travel and a gift etc.) So much frothing here.

JG4 · 07/01/2024 18:28

I agree with the general consensus of drinks & buffet at home , it will be lovely . I recently went to a wedding very similar to what you are describing , in their back garden . It was LOVELY, I really enjoyed it . They had a couple of big gazebos in case of rain , a wonderful BBQ ( they paid someone to do that , though ) and a do it yourself drinks setup . I wish you a wonderful wedding day , whatever you decide x

BusyCaz · 07/01/2024 17:16

fml666 · 04/01/2024 20:26

Thanks all.

The furthest anyone would have to travel would be a 90 min drive. A lot are much less, more like 30 mins drive. Registrar's office to our house is 15 mins drive.

This has been really helpful. I totally get the cost involved with attending a wedding, outfit, travel, present, dog sitting, petrol, hotel room potentially etc etc. Therefore I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in. I'll probably wear a long, floral maxi dress I already have with a flower in my hair. No formal bridal outfit.

Do t think we'll feel like going out for a meal after we've kicked off our shoes, danced around the garden and had a few drinks. Maybe do it at a later date as a PP suggested.

We can also have our own playlist at home with our favourite music.

I think this idea sounds lovely. Really hope you both have a fabulous special day ❤

Mrssnee16 · 07/01/2024 16:57

It's not cheeky no, there's no law that states you must pay for guests meals, especially considering larger weddings with meals included don't have a free bar so the assumption can't be its ok to ask guests to pay for their own drinks but not their meals. If you were to put it on the invites that they're invited to the ceremony then the wedding party will be going for a meal but that it will be at their own expense, or if they didn't want to pay for a meal then maybe pop a time in the invite when guests could meet at the restaurant for drinks only.

BusyCaz · 07/01/2024 16:54

MarkWithaC · 05/01/2024 12:47

'not appropriate', 'Oh God, no' 'wouldn't fly' 'shameful' Hmm
And jollywhite,s post is spiteful and ignorant.

I'm feeling more and more grateful for my own friends and family.

This, cannot believe how awful some people are!

Outthedoor24 · 07/01/2024 16:27

@HeidiHunter you have no clue about the Ops circumstances beyond they are both in their 50s, and can't afford a wedding.
I'm sure if saving for year would enable them to pay for the family and friends dinners they'd do it.
They possibly have a shed load of debt they are paying off, trying to support teens in Uni, they possibly rely on UC to get by week to week can't increase working hours for whatever reason (Health or caring responsibilities). We don't know but they want to get married and celebrate the occasion without getting into debt or more debt