Do not want to look after someone's DC

When your DH agrees, go stay somewhere else and leave him to look after the child all weekend. See how keen he is for the child to come then.

Sounds like your DH and his nephew are of a similar, lazy ilk: childcare is for women in their minds.

If Nephew's wife is exhausted and struggling, WTF is nephew not stepping up more to giver her a break and take his own children out?

If your husband really feels he needs to help, then WTF is HE not the one stepping up rather than volunteering you?

GO out every single time he 'helps'.

DN wife shouldn't have had another child if she so desperately needs help so often with her oldest. It's not your responsibility to look after him. Tell your DH to sod off.

Sounds like your husbands relative has had an on demand free babysitter for the past few years.Sounds like the parents also use other people to palm the kids off as well.

No, I don't think she should help.

But I personally don't like it when people use reasons like 'because no one helped me at a similar stage in life then I'm not going to help people that 'need' help now'. One isn't related to the other in my opinion and I think that was what the previous person was trying to say too.

Your capacity to help people shouldn't really be determined by how completely unrelated people treated you in the past, it's got nothing to do with the circumstances of the people asking for help now, so you should be free to decline without using examples like this as an excuse, she doesn't want to give up every weekend to CF nephew and wife who don't sound like they actually 'need' help, they're just onto a good thing.

A better comparison would be if I ask friend A to help me move house in 2010 and they say no, then friend B asks me for help to move house in 2020, I don't think saying 'no I can't help, friend A never helped me move, so why should I help you move?' is at all relevant. It also doesn't mean you should feel obligated to help them move house, but using that as a reason seems bizarre.

It looks as if your DH needs to learn that he can volunteer his own time where he wishes to... but can't volunteer yours.

I don't understand what you're saying. You're saying the OP is in the right and the people are CFs...but on the other handvshe should help because it's not their fault she had no help? The uni comparison means nothing.

@howan

DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn

Honestly it's refreshing on here to see a woman say 'No' and demonstrate 'No' to those who try and take advantage of her. I agree your husband has a cheek volunteering you (and your own children) in constantly providing childcare when you don't want to. Where do you go from here OP? You do need to put a stop to this once and for all, not only to the would be 'hero' but both his nephew and his wife. 🌹

In fairness, I agree with the sentiment here about the price of fish, and I don't think people owe me anything. It's like saying "my parents never paid for me to go to uni, so I'm not paying for my children to go", one is completely irrelevant to the other, unless the 'help' that she's referring to is specifically aimed at the nephew and wife but it doesn't sound like it is, it sounds like she means that she did it on her own so nephew and wife should be able to, but that's not necessarily true in life and asking for help shouldn't be demonised.. expecting help like people owe you something is a different thing to asking for help, this seems to fall into that second category.

Saying that, I don't think it's necessary for OP to use this as a reason.. she's got more then enough reason to not want to give up her weekends every weekend for these three CF.

I’m struggling to accept that the convo wouldn’t go

DH-I’ve invited x to stay for a sleepover again this weekend

OP-No. you always invite her but then leave me to do all of the work. Phone her and say I’m not doing it again, or I will.

It’s got nothing to do with being straightforward or not.

The husband is quite happy to volunteer because he’s not the one doing the work. It’s really easy to be generous with other people’s time and effort.

He doesn’t like that the OP has said no because he no longer gets to play the good guy on the basis of her (and his children’s) efforts.

If he were actually working on a ‘does what it says on the tin’ basis, he’d be saying to his nephew’s wife ‘yes. @howan will look after your 6 year old for you. I will just be taking the credit for it’.

Love this!

'insensitive and selfish'!

Really? Just keep saying "No," OP! If DH is so desperate to help, he can do it.

Apt user name.

It really doesn't take much 'reading between the lines' though to think about how the child will be looked after. Just some basic common sense and awareness of how having children works.
You say 'straightforward', I say 'CBA to think about basic logistics and consequences because he assumes someone else – namely his wife – will just magically deal with it all'.

Apart from being totally unfair on you, it isn’t fair on your children either.

Nah.

In your shoes I’d let the 6yr old come, then I’d announce to DH that I plan to go out alone Saturday day time and have booked cinema for me and my kids Saturday evening. Then I’d leave him to care for the 6yr old.

Spot the CF who thinks everyone owes her childcare.

YANBU OP. your DH is being very disrespectful of you by volunteering your time to look after this child without checking with you that it's okay. Don't back down on this one. Your DH is the selfish one.

To all those speculating on the parentage of the child (because why else would OP's husband be so insistent these sleepovers happen?) - you've overlooked The Many Ways A Man Can Be A Prick. It is perfectly possible for OP's husband to be a prick without having cuckolded his same-age-as-me-nephew and sired a cuckoo in the nest.

This particular man strikes me as a show-off. The Big I Am. The white knight, riding to the rescue. Vain, posturing and preening. Barging in on his same-age-as-me-nephew's life and spouting 'I'll fix this for you!'. Basking in the praise and gratitude of his same-age-as-me-nephew whilst at the same time passing the actual work of 'fixing' onto OP.

He's just a selfish prick who has deluded himself that he is a good guy because he's supporting his same-age-as-me-nephew, so now he can stride about in his puffed-up self-importance as Solver Of Problems.

And, of course, my DH leaves all the care of a child to me. I just had a talk with DH about it again, and he's gone downstairs in a huff, as, apparently, I am 'insensitive and selfish'!.

Right backatcha DH.

Possibly the 6 yo's DM is blackmailing DH that she will tell OP who the father is if he doesn't keep taking the child. I would be getting DNA tests done. The child, and one of OP's children to see if they have the same father. Because this behaviour by a man IS NOT NATURAL.

I agree with the posters who say you should be volunteering DH for family tasks that he won’t particularly enjoy and will take up a whole day/evening - however long you have to look after his great nephew. Just tell him the day or so before that this is happening and if he argues - he’s obv selfish, insensitive etc.. he still probably won’t get the message but at least you can say he now feels how you have been feeling for a long time and how is it any different?

There really is no excuse for him not to be the one looking after the child if he’s volunteered, regardless of whether he’s volunteered you or himself. Has he tried to justify to you why he won’t?

Could you have a word with his nephew? Ask why this is happening and does he realise your DH is telling you you have to do this regardless of other commitments and plans you may have? Does he think it’s on? And how long does he foresee this going on for - til they’re 18??

I might get flamed for this but I think men are often really straight forward....they say what they think and what they want. They take things at face value. Therefore if sil approaches the ops dh and says oh dd loves visiting you for a sleepover its so great the kids get on, cousin time blah blah blah. He will probably just accept this narrative. Women can read between the lines and decipher that she's a cf who wants free childcare.