Do not want to look after someone's DC

DH is almost not talking to me still.Yesterday, didn't even eat his dinner, as 'I don't want to burden you'- well, I have already cooked by that point!- so, as you can see, problems in our family run much deeper than 6yo's childcare. I only started working FT in September and, maybe, started asserting myself more, as I don't want to take s from my Dh or his family any longer.

He's sulking and trying to guilt trip you because you're not playing the expected role of support human to his white knight, head of the family act.

Working full time, having your shit together, knowing your worth and telling DH you're not free childcare for his family is probably really annoying him right now.

YANBU.
As others have already said, I think the only way this is going to change is if you just keep saying to DH that you can't do any more free childcare and if he invites the kid over that's fine but he has to do it. When / if the kid comes over you need to go / be out. Tell the kid's mother that you're not available but since DH offered, he will look after. And follow through. If he accuses you of being selfish then he must be selfish too if he will not do it without you.

You possibly also need to take up a new hobby that involves being out at the weekends (even if that hobby is going out for a cup of tea with a book).

The huge issue is that he isn't volunteering and being generous with HIS time.

He's volunteering and allocating OP's time and making it clear he thinks she should offer unlimited unpaid childcare.

Agree with other posters that it's a DH problem and it sounds like it's bigger than just childcare for the relative's child. He needs to prioritise his own family over demands of relatives.

OP literally says that he leaves the childcare of this child to her! 😂

Yep and don’t have dinner planned or cooked.

see how “lovely” he finds it then.

My 14 year old is doing mock exams from April onwards, in Yr 10. Presuming that your's is in the same school year, you can put a line in the sand now and say that, with exams coming up, you won't be able to accommodate sleepovers going forward. With a 14 and a 12 year old, you'll have mocks, GCSEs, mocks, GCSEs over the coming 4 years.

But how is this OP’s responsibility? If HE wants to help his nephew then surely HE should provide the childcare!!… it’s totally unfair that he’s offering his wife to look after someone else’s child without even asking her first!

It's a hard no

YANBU. Your DH is being totally unreasonable. It might be ok to babysit once in a while so they can have an occasional night out, but these constant sleepovers have to stop. Your DC are older now and you can have a bit more freedom, so why should you be lumbered with looking after a 6 year old on a weekly basis. It’s not fair on your DC either. I’m sure teens don’t want to be bothered with entertaining a young child constantly. Just say no to your DH and keep saying no till he and his relatives stop asking.

Just this 👏

I think your husband is a narcissist with a God complex, and is blowing up because you are shining a light on his totally unreasonable behaviour.

Honestly I think it's best you be honest to avoid her always asking for a sleepover. I'd say, I'm really sorry but no more sleep overs. I find it all too much hard work. I know husband keeps saying yes, but he doesn't actually help out with the kids, it all falls to me.

Sounds like the mother is trying to guilt trip you. She's the mother it's her responsibility to console the child, not yours. Stick to your guns and don't feel bad. They are taking the p*ss big time. If she shows up have an exit plan. Or just give her an outright no! Good luck.

Anyone who uses the “the child is soo upset/devastated” etc is an absolute tosser. I loathe manipulation in all forms but to use a poor ickle child to make someone else do something they don’t want to or can’t do is despicable

it’s a version of the Ick for me and always a Hard Pass from me.

don’t promise your kids anything that’s not been absolutely agreed, stop forcing your kids on other people.

Sounds like your main problem is your husband. Why is he putting this woman’s needs above yours?

Why is he so disrespectful of your feelings? Is this a common theme throughout your relationship or just on this one issue?

I think you should talk with him and ask why this woman’s needs take precedence over yours.

Does he have welfare concerns for the woman and her ability to cope? If so then it’s not your responsibility and you need to make that clear.

Your dh is part of the issue with his saviour complex. The nephews and his wife are cfs. If you find it hard with one kid, don't have 2. If anything a 6 year old is easier than a 1 year old.

I'm all for being upfront and honest and would say to the dh that the childcare for 6 year old falls to you and you are not happy about it. If he wants to help then he should be doing it and you won't adjust your weekend plans ro account for his nephews kid. I'd also speak to his nephews wife and explain that childcare for her 6 year old falls down to you not your dh. You are not happy to be dumped on and have to include or modify your plans every weekend because of her child. If her dh working weekends doesn't work for their overall family then she needs to tackle that head on, not dump her 6 year old on you op. I have 3 kids 7, 6 and 2. I work on the weekend and my dh wouldn't dream of dumping one of ours on to relatives, he parents because that is what he signed up for.

DH will change his tune if you go out every weekend and leave him to look after all three kids, which I expect is what you are doing.

Why not do that and have a few weekends fun until he realises.

guaranteed wont take him long to Stop volunteering.

If not enjoy the weekends on your own . Why not?

I’d contact her and apologise that you’re so slammed at the mo with the girls and sleep overs do not work currently. However, you’ll be sending DH to help her push the little one in the pram so she can get a rest once a month or take the 6 year old to the park for a couple of hours.

next time they’re round, I wouldn’t do anything to help with childcare at all. Tell your children they don’t have to either or encourage them to be at their friend’s house etc. I wouldn’t cook that evening either, maybe get your own kids something before hand. I wouldn’t get a bed ready or anything. Leave it all to your husband and he’ll soon be in agreement that the sleepovers should stop!

Where is the nephew’s WIFE’S family in all of this? Are they still around? Saying that the parents and grandparents are hundreds of miles away (from ALL the other nephews and their families) I’m wondering why. Did they up sticks and move bc they couldn’t take it any more? Did these adult nephews gravitate towards OP and her DH bc they realised they were onto a good thing in receiving unlimited physical, emotional and financial support? Did DH move HIS family closer to all his nephews to fulfil and feed his ‘white knight complex’?

So many questions.

I wouldn’t suggest the drastic step of moving house yourself OP, obviously, but if you did, do you think all this would stop, or would all the nephews follow…? If you and DH were on the same page it would be bearable but as you’re clearly not he needs to compromise and consider your input and feelings (and his own children’s) a heck of a lot more! He’s putting his nephews (plural) above you and your DC at the end of the day, can he justify why?

I can see how fed up you must be feeling, good luck with your NY’s wish!✨

This needs to stop! I think it's so bizarre your husband would arrange to invite anyone round to your house without asking you our tour teenage kids? It's your house too.

I'd have the conversation with your husband and set a boundary. I'd suggest he text his family member saying the teen kids are getting too old for sleepovers with their 'cousin' and hair want to play video games or whatever. Then suggest you can still arrange times for them all to meet up and see eachother but overnights don't work for you guys anymore. You can't control her reaction!

We don't all consider in-laws to be equal to our real family members, @Thefsm

Surely your eh nephew is also your nephew? So their child is your great nephew? Seems weird not to count his family as your own with regards to cousins etc.

i think it would be very cruel to stop the visits entirely. The child will feel totally heart broken to be abandoned like that and will assume it os their fault. They probably look forward to being with you because they get attention that they don’t get at home since the little one arrived.

by all means cut down stays but keep them at least monthly at first so the kid doesn’t feel rejected.

also not sure why your husband has no say in this.

Why is it up to the OP to be the answer to all this woman's problems? She must have her own family she can ask for help if she needs it. OP has helped her enough, she wants her weekends back.

Also, why are you being so rude to people?