Do not want to look after someone's DC

Absolutely this! Well done Op! Continue being the strong woman that you are!

It's good you are working fulltime. You need options for yourself because this marriage doesn't sound good for you.

Please do state that to nephew's wife and let us know. We are rooting for you!!

(sorry, I don’t mean to be flippant as this is a very serious issue, just trying to add a bit of humour to a difficult situation, I’m not poking fun at you x)

Also - it’s interesting that you said he wants to be the ‘ruler’ etc - his favourite film isn’t ‘The GODFATHER’ by any chance?? All a bit male Head of the Family, male underlings seeking favours etc. When he starts stuffing his mouth with cotton wool, growing a thin moustache and talking about offering people “protection” then I’d be really worried 👀

Yes it does all sound a bit punishy to me now that you’ve altered your ‘role’/ availability within the household. But I’m assuming going FT was an agreed decision. If not, maybe even more of a reason he’s trying to tie you down at the wknds or show you who really calls the shots with your spare time. You’ve presumably gone FT to allow you to contribute more £ (which some men don’t like bizarrely as it means you are less dependent/beholden) and it also means you’ll be out the house more so might he have trust issues? This is all speculation and there may be nothing in it in it other than an abundant lack of consideration on his part, which don’t get me wrong is a fairly big issue - as you can tell from all these responses on this thread.

"I don't want to hide behind my children, their mocks, I don't want to invent visits to my family every w/end, I don't want to leave my house and check into a hotel for the whole w/end, I don't want to leave my children in the house when I go out, as the 6yo becomes their responsibility, I don't want to send my children to nephew's house for the weekend, as they will be looking after the 1yo too, while mother 'catches up on her sleep'.
I DO NOT WANT TO DO ANY OF THIS! I want to be left alone at weekends in my house, with my DCs."

Quite right. Honestly people do come up with silliest and most deceitful advice don't they? None of them would actually do as they suggest themselves of course.
Honesty is always the best policy in these situations. You're not doing anything wrong to say no more. It's an unrealistic expectation to have of you. There doesn't have to be a convoluted plan or a slimy lie...a simple 'I won't be continuing because dh offers but leaves everything to me' is fine.

Some of the suggestions on here have been ridiculous,,
Send your kids to their house,
Go out and leave your kids at home,
This child is dh's love child...ffs
Some Mumsnetters have been eating way too much Quality Street,,,

Good on you OP..stay firm

This is MN. There are so many women here who genuinely believe that random women should be more responsible for random children than their actual parents are.

He's got used to you being the housekeeper cum childminder Op, your DH probably loved you not working. He's going to have to get used to it, you don't have endless free time he can make use of to impress his family.

You just starting FT work really stood out for me here and the fact that you note you’ve started asserting yourself more.

When I returned to FT work after my DCs left primary education, I naively expected household labour to be shared more equally. After all, I was now contributing financially and assumed it would be understood I needed some downtime just as my ExH had demanded when I was a SAHM.

Didn’t happen. Lots of rows, accusations of me being unreasonable and selfish. He also used to volunteer me to help his parents after they moved house - EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND! Oh and then he changed jobs that meant he wasn’t around much at weekends and got himself a mistress - because I just didn’t understand how hard it was being him!

OP - please keep asserting yourself. If you still love him and want to make life better you’ve got a big challenge on your hands to teach him how to be a better man, father and husband.

Today, don't cook for your DH and if wonders why - just say that he said yesterday he didn't want to burden you with cooking. Don't pander to him.

You are quite right in not wanting or accepting this girl into your home every weekend or even once a month. You work FT, there is a huge age gap between her and your own DD's. You've reared your children way past this age. Neither yourself or your DD's should be expected to care or entertain this child.

It might be somewhat a different matter if there were exceptional circumstances, but not the case here.

Stick to your stance on this issue and ignore your DH's sulking. If the girl were to turn up, go out and leave your DH to care for her or else drive the girl back home straight away.

Totally agree with this. Don't just not cook for him; that's tit-for-tat and you are better than that (than him!). Ask him outright for an adult conversation about this issue and tell him sulking and pass-agg martyrdom is not acceptable. Make clear that either he engages properly with you and the issue to resolve it, or you will think very hard about the future of the relationship.

@howan

DH is almost not talking to me still. Yesterday, didn't even eat his dinner, as 'I don't want to burden you'

What an idiot. Him - not you. What else doesn't he want you to do for him, I wonder? 🌹

Stop cooking for your husband. His behaviour is outrageous - verging on bullying tbh. It's 'do as I want or I will punish you with sulking and snarky remarks'. This needs dealing with as a matter of urgency.
If he was mine, he'd be hating right now that his attitude and behaviour is bang out of order, that he has no right to be volunteering anyone else to do unpaid labour for his lazy cousin and if he didn't get his head out of his backside right now, he'll be finding himself single in the imminent future!
Dont let him treat you like shit. I get if you look at your life, there are lots of instances where he behaves selfishly and at your expense.

Aha. We've arrived at the actual problem. Your 'D' H doesn't like you working. He probably hadn't given much thought to the impact it would have on his life if you weren't always there to pick up the slack (any old thing he decides needs doing but he ain't doing them).
Sulking is immature and manipulative. Take him at his word, don't cook for him tonight. Keep saying on repeat that you aren't babysitting great-nephew any more, you need your weekend with your children... Except when YOU choose, on YOUR terms. Being asked first being one of them.
Let him stamp his feet, stay unruffled.

When he does start talking, I'd be saying that he is quite welcome to put together a plan that he could enrol the child in a Saturday hobby and take him, all independent from you. But you need to point out that this child will be doing SATs and get homework and needs downtime in their own home. Come spring a nearly 18 month old and six/seven year old is fine to take to the park/soft play etc. She needs to learn to cope. You've helped out over the newborn stage. I enjoy celebrating Easter/Halloween/Christmas etc (by booking events) with my youngest GC and will miss it in a few years. So have a think what suits you. Some people are glad these things can stop.

Yes, I think that's the crux of the issue. And there isn't a chance in hell I'd be cooking anything else for him until he apologised, the cheeky twat.

Surely your eh nephew is also your nephew? So their child is your great nephew? Seems weird not to count his family as your own with regards to cousins etc.

It’s really not the same thing to a lot of people. DP’s nieces and nephews are nice enough, but they’re not my family in the same way they are his and I’m fairly certain that if we were to break up I wouldn’t ever see them again unless DD gets married at some point in the future. Plus, great nephew (even by blood) is still quite a distant relation. DD has only met two of her great aunts/uncles and she’ll be two in a few months.

As your kids are now older, they are going through puberty and approaching GCSEs, could you simply say that you need to focus on your children now as GCSE years are really important and they need your input, support with school work, and quality time at the weekends. You can tell your husband that as much as he may wish to help by having his great-niece stay over, he has a bigger obligation to ensure his own children’s needs are prioritised for the next few years - ie that he is actually putting the needs of his own children (and his wife) lower than those of the wife of his nephew.

Appreciate his nephew works weekends, but assume he is around during the week (when great-niece is presumably in school?), so clearly nephew needs to step up on those days so wife is better able to cope at weekends. Great-niece would benefit more from sleepovers with children her own age - surely mother of great-niece has family who can help (parents?).

You are not being unreasonable - and I say this as a person who fostered a friend’s two boys 8-10 weeks a year, plus had them come home to mine 2-3x a week after school, running them to clubs etc for over four years - for free - and was dropped like a brick when my eldest [ASD/ADHD] began having MH issues and needed her family/privacy back. The mother/father of your great-niece will not step up/get support (from family, GP, or via health visitor) if you enable their dysfunction. Long term, it is in the great-niece’s interests to disengage now and help his nephew’s family put support in place.

Good decision OP. Hope it goes well with the niece.

Your DH needs a wake-up call!

100%
I applied and got a job after being off for a year, DP wasn’t keen and wanted me ‘at home’…. We actually split up over it.

He’s probably annoyed you’re working ft and wants to somehow tie you to home/family more, whether subconsciously or not. A lot of men get disgruntled about women being independent even now.

Wow your husband is a tosser!
Tonight cook for yourself and your children and tell him you didn’t want to waste food .. or even better serve him last nights tea!!
I would also 100% be messaging nephew & his wife saying that you’re very sorry but you can no longer be available at weekends to look after their children, you work full time now and want/need weekends to be your own. I would also be tempted to say DH might be free to take the kids to the park for her if she needs a break, since he’s such a super hero and all that!
He sounds like a child himself!

Bang on!