Do not want to look after someone's DC

This is one of the key problems with Mumsnet, the nasty Mumsnetters who are constantly trying to find fault and pick a fight over every little thing/comment

Be kind.

Yes. Really hoping the OP is having the weekend to herself.

Wondering what happened today...

I guess when people have had no help themselves, they've worked really hard to raise their children and when their own kids get to an age where mum/dad can get back some free time and take things a bit easier themselves, they aren't inclined to take on other people's responsibilities. And who can blame them? Very few people want to be doing childcare forever!

Those people who had a lot of help and support with their own young families, might not be so knackered and more inclined to help others.

But either way, helping is one thing, having the piss taken and becoming default carers for someone else's child, is another thing entirely.

And no one can reasonably argue that the person doing the volunteering, shouldn't be the one to actually do the work! OP didn't volunteer, none of this is on her!

I'm really sorry but no more sleep overs. I find it all too much hard work. I know husband keeps saying yes, but he doesn't actually help out with the kids, it all falls to me.
Word for word, I would send this text. Its the truth.

Yep. It's like volunteering someone else's money for charity and telling everyone what a kind and helpful person you are.

"There's nothing wrong with being kind and helping people out if they need it"

Well then the OPs husband is not being kind is he? He's not helping out. He's volunteering the op as a babysitter. Surely he should Be Kind and take care of his nephew himself if he wants to help?

There's nothing wrong with being kind and helping people out if they need it;

Rxcept these cheeky pair have each other -
They also tell the child he’s going before even asking if he’s welcome.
They also bombard OP DH with requests.

OP isn’t asking if she can help, she’s being told she’s helping.

I think you have every right to be peeved and not want to look after the little boy every weekend or even every other weekend, lovely as he may be. Definitely put your foot down with your DH and say that the child is his mother's/parents' responsibility to look after. I concur with the advice of many others that if your DH insists on the boy staying with you, that he is your DH's responsibility to look after and entertain - and that you and your children don't need to be there to help.

However, I feel I must add that I don't agree with the sentiment that "(I) have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I 'help' them now?". There's nothing wrong with being kind and helping people out if they need it; their circumstances may have been different when your children were young. I also know how oblivious we can be to those who have young children when we don't have children ourselves. I certainly was. I stress, helping others out. I'm not advocating being taken advantage of as is the case with this family member and her son.

What passive aggressive bullshit from hIm. Perhaps prepare a response for every one of these comments- how about oh if you wanted to help you could wash up after?

You are not nothing. You are entitled to a peaceful life. You are not his or his family's maid. Coercive control op x

op get a divorce.

Absolutely this!

If dh is so keen to help, surely he wants to help out with the baby too, and it makes so much more sense for him to babysit in their home with all their toys and resources for 2 young children. Nephew can go to work and his wife can go back to bed knowing the children are in capable hands!!

You absolutely have a dh problem and I fear from experience that you're right about things escalating with your staying work and gaining that personal independence. Fortunately with time, most partners get used to the shift. Hopefully your dh will.

I know , pathetic aren’t they . Especially the love child one . Imagination overload.

It sounds like you are the adult in the relationship and he has adopted the role of spoilt child.

if I were in your situation I’d be doing exactly the same as you. You have been very patient.

Hopefully he will sit down and have an adult discussion with you and it will get resolved satisfactorily .

It’s a brilliant idea, the only thing is ‘D’H may retort that a friend isn’t the same as a family member so it’s not the same obligation to help. Perhaps say a family member of YOURS needs the help, then he won’t really have a leg to stand on.

I agree with the above example: tell him you've agreed to help a friend with decorating this weekend, and he needs to be there in the morning to help.

It is EXACTLY the same things ... tell him that!

This is excellent! 👏 And if I were OP I would absolutely do this...

Tell him that you’ve offered to help out a friend next weekend so he’s expected to be there for 9am for a whole weekend of decorating. They are really grateful to him…

When he obviously protests, tell h8m that is what he’s effectively doing to you. Only not just one weekend!

Shouldn't be expected, I could and wouldn't ever palm my DC off on anyone else apart from a rare night away. Once you do something a few times it becomes a norm, time to change that! It does seem as free babysitting is being manipulated, especially oh so upset, that's just emotional blackmail and not right.

Isn’t be tempted to say, ‘when are you going to stop sulking? You can help your great nephew/his wife as much as you want-you can go and babysit there, you can take their child out if you want, I just don’t want you to volunteer me into doing childcare for them-I don’t think that’s unreasonable, do you?’

Well done @howan I'm sorry your DH is being a bit of a silly man child and I hope he gets over it soon.

You started working FT in September - when did these weekend sleepovers start? If it was around then, I'd be deeply suspicious that he was trying to make it difficult to hold down your job. But it also sounds as if loading you up with work has been his hobby ongoing for a loooong time to, so probably not.

It very much sounds as if your husband has a vanity problem. He wants, as you put it "taken a role of a family 'ruler' and problem solver" . Also, "Parents/grandparents all live few hours away, so not very involved" - the 'parents' being his sibling and their partner, 'grandparents' being his parents/your in-laws. Are there any more family around that he likes to assume responsibility for? Any other nieces/nephews/cousins, or is it just this one nephew? If there are more family, is he the generation 'up' from them (regardless of actual ages)?

If it's just this one nephew, it's easier, because then you've just got to deal with one couple directly. Just as you texted the mother that this weekend was not happening, you text BOTH of the cheeky fuckers that there will be no more sleepovers. No ifs, no buts, no excuses, no justifications; just that there will be no more sleepovers.

If there are other family members for whom DH is the Problem Solver, do similar. No ifs, no buts, no excuses, no justifications; just that there will be no more lifts / money / outings where you always pay / whatever family shit he has signed you up to provide. No more.

That leaves the problem of your petulant sulking husband.

Why did he do what he did? Well my guess is that this makes him feel like a very fine fellow indeed. It's about how he sees himself - Head of the Family, Problem Solver, the go-to guy and all-round Good Guy.

You telling him sleepovers are off has held up a mirror to him and shown him that he is none of these things; that actually he's a bit of a fraud, riding on your coat-tails.

All you can do is point out to him that his primary responsibility is to his own children, and his constant dumping of a 6-year-old on them is twattish to the extreme. Your eldest is coming up to the important years educationally, and should not be hampered by a chaotic home / mewling child / however you care to put it to him. I'd also point out that he's infantilising the family members to who he masquerades as Problem Solver - how will they ever learn to solve their own problems if he keeps stepping in? His 'kindness' in the short term actually works out as being very unkind to his nephew and nephew's wife, in the long term. And so, it needs to stop.

He won't take kindly to being shown that he is not, in fact, a Good Guy. That he has been kidding himself. Anticipate more petulance and sulking! But hold firm. He's just going to have to accept that any 'support' he offers family members will have to be provided by himself (and ONLY himself). He may actually do that, or he may learn not to offer what he won't provide. Either way - hold firm, and ride out the petulance and sulking.

(Oh, and don't cook for him tonight. His first lesson should be that you'll take him at his word when he says he doesn't want to burden you. In other words, don't cut off your nose to spite your face.)

Well done OP 💪