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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do not want to look after someone's DC

466 replies

howan · 03/01/2024 18:35

My DH's family member has 2 DCs. Second just turned 1 and is, obviously, hard work, so she v ofter 'organises' sleepovers AT OUR HOUSE for her older DC, who is 6 and lovely, but I am fed up with looking after them! DH thinks that it is 'lovely for cousins to spend time together' ( they are not even cousins!), but our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end. DH just announced that the child will be coming this Friday and i have just texted the mother that we are going to see my family, so that will not be possible. Mother texted back that 'the child is very upset'. Honestly, I don't give a damn 😤 No amount of talking to DH helps, as he thinks that we need to help, but I have not received any help when I had young DC, why should I'help' them now? AIBU to say no every time from now on? My DC are not interested in having their little ' cousin' for sleepover, either.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 03/01/2024 21:44

She’s taking the piss and your DH is falling for it. Say no from now on.

whynotwhatknot · 03/01/2024 21:40

so a two parent family needs help from their uncle to look after their child every week

but its you who has to do it

FirstFallopians · 03/01/2024 21:38

Sceptical123 · 03/01/2024 21:23

Here’s a maaaaad suggestion - why doesn’t DH’s nephew look after his own child? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Exactly.

I was imagining a struggling single parent situation, not a two parent household who just needed to catch up on some zzzz’s.

MrsKarlUrban · 03/01/2024 21:37

Grrr I'm annoyed for you! Three cheeky fuckers - let the nephew look after his own child
Stick to your guns
It's NO don't need excuses just - no we can't do that

Mirabai · 03/01/2024 21:35

That would be a hell no from me.

Does DH even do the childcare for this 6 year old?

Scarletttulips · 03/01/2024 21:34

Time for you and the kids to head out for coffee - pictures or any other family activity and leave DH to the babysitting.

Greenpolkadot · 03/01/2024 21:33

howan · 03/01/2024 21:15

The child is my DH's nephew's child! DH and nephew are close in age and have close relationship. Nephew's wife is the one always tired and always complaining that she hasn't had good night sleep in ages, that she is tired, that she's dying from running around and my DH somehow thinks that we can share her load of child-rearing.
I admit that if it was my own sister and my niece/nephew, I would help, but not so keen on DH's extended family.

Show quote history

So the child has a father then ?
Is there something with him that he can't help his wife with his own children ?
You've got three cheeky fuckers there op. The mother. The father and dh.
Put your foot down girlie quick sharp

InAPickle12345 · 03/01/2024 21:33

How long has this been going on OP?

cerisepanther73 · 03/01/2024 21:28

@howan

Why should you 😕 be made to feel responsible so often as this for your husband's family member,

if it was occasionally with your permission maybe different,

Not to this extant,

LakeTiticaca · 03/01/2024 21:27

My ex roped me into minding a neighbours 12 months old son for 4 hours evenings (free of charge) while she worked. I had a 9 month old baby and was pregnant again. I did it for about 3 evenings, getting more and more pissed off. On the 4th evening she should have picked him up at 815pm. Didn't show. At 945pm I went up to her flat to see where she was. She was home but just hadn't bothered to pick up her brat. I was fuming. That was the last time I did it.
You need to be very clear that you are not an unpaid childminder because this will escalate. The kid will end up being at your house more that their own home, eventually

Sceptical123 · 03/01/2024 21:27

Oh my gosh - even better! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Ellie56 · 03/01/2024 21:26

Sceptical123 · 03/01/2024 21:23

Here’s a maaaaad suggestion - why doesn’t DH’s nephew look after his own child? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was wondering that. Better still if DH and nephew have such a good relationship they can look after the 6 year old together!

SecondHandFurniture · 03/01/2024 21:26

This is awful. Poor 6 year old, being sent off weekly to relatively distant relatives because their new sibling is taking all their mum and dad's energy.

Ellie1015 · 03/01/2024 21:25

Does dh expect you to cancel the plans you have? Once per week is far too much but specifically in this case where you have plans why does he think you should cancel?

Sceptical123 · 03/01/2024 21:23

Here’s a maaaaad suggestion - why doesn’t DH’s nephew look after his own child? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Runningwater1 · 03/01/2024 21:21

hrtwt but it’s clear that your husband is the problem. It’s insane to expect you to put up with this, is there more to the story? Is he very unreasonable in other ways? From what you’ve shared it seems highly weird, but maybe that’s just because there’s some info missing. Regardless of the full story, it’s not right to volunteer one’s spouse for something like this- if he takes full charge when they are there then that’s at least approaching tolerable but honestly you should be able to enjoy your home and family without being given random children to babysit against your will.

cerisepanther73 · 03/01/2024 21:20

@howan

Or why not book complementary therapies sessions or healthspa membership 🤔 on the days when you are expected to do childcare for your husband's family?

Have you got any hobbies interests you would like to take up on a regular basis too?

to help escape post Christmas and winter blues time...

Original poster
howan · 03/01/2024 21:19

RJnomore1 · 03/01/2024 20:01

Is the 6yo your husbands child?

No. He is my DH nephew's child. DH and nephew have close relationship and are of similar age.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 03/01/2024 21:19

Almost every weekend - no way! I’d be planning lots of events, meet up with friends etc, (which somehow get cancelled at last minute…).

cerisepanther73 · 03/01/2024 21:16

@howan

Their is some real good deals to stay at a hotels and guest's houses in the Uk especially now, as it's out of season period,

I quite often book online on Booking. com website on my mobile,
there is often cheaper deals to stay overnight by doing it this way too.

enjoy having time away relaxing in the many lovely guest houses and hotels in the UK,

I can guarantee 💯 you will love ❤️ appreciate having a break from the stress of being the go -to designated childcare person with your husband's family...

Original poster
howan · 03/01/2024 21:15

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/01/2024 20:07

"our DCs are 14 and 12, so do not have patience or will to entertain their younger 'cousin' all w/end."

Hopefully, that means that your husband cannot offload the care of the six year old onto them. Do you think he would try to do that if you absented yourself, @howan ?

Why is your husband so keen to 'help out'? You say this child is not a cousin, so the mother isn't his sister. Just how extended a family does he feel responsibility towards? And why?

The child is my DH's nephew's child! DH and nephew are close in age and have close relationship. Nephew's wife is the one always tired and always complaining that she hasn't had good night sleep in ages, that she is tired, that she's dying from running around and my DH somehow thinks that we can share her load of child-rearing.
I admit that if it was my own sister and my niece/nephew, I would help, but not so keen on DH's extended family.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 03/01/2024 21:11

@howan what is the relationship between your husband and family member who isnt???? does family member not have a partner and he is taking on the role? does family member not have parents who can help? young teens are never going to want to play with a 6 year old, no matter what your husband says!

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 03/01/2024 21:08

So rude of her to say the child is upset! Emotional blackmail. Even less chance of a sleepover now for that one! 😜 Some people are so cheeky. Keep it light and say no.

Chestnutsroastgreen · 03/01/2024 21:04

Do say you look forward to them hosting your 12 year old as many times as you have the 6yr old. As the 6yr old is so upset not coming they can have 1/2 of yours!

mottytotty · 03/01/2024 21:04

FirstFallopians · 03/01/2024 20:50

I’m glad you’re putting your foot down now OP, for your own kids’ sake.

Different circumstances, but I remember when my Grandad’s dementia was really deteriorating and he basically needed 24/7 supervision. Our dad wanted my then late teens sister and I to stay with him for 2 weeks while him and my uncle went on their separate summer holidays (arranged without checking dates with each other…)

My mum, who normally just let dad get on with things for an easy life, really put her foot down. Said it was up to him if he didn’t want to seek professional help for his dad, but he wasn’t palming him off on two teenagers who had no experience of care giving and who wouldn't have a clue what to do if their was an emergency with both dad and uncle out of the country.

Dad copped on and got things rearranged, but I never forgot that from my mum. Your own kids are being forced into a quasi-caring arrangement here, which I can only imagine will intensify as they get older and can babysit their “cousin”, and even their younger sibling, on their own.

Good on your mum. Men will outsource care to any nearest female, whether it’s their wife, mum, nan, sister or daughter.