To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

Hello!

We had 3 rounds of IVF and the 3rd one worked but ended at 14 weeks. We decided then to draw a line under it and move on.

That was 8 years ago now. There are times when it’s hard, especially at Christmas, but it can be good. You have an allow yourself to grieve for the children you won’t have and then move on.

Do come over to the MN without children forum. You will get comments from people who understand and know not to say ‘could you adopt or tell you some story about their hairdressers cousins sister who was told she’d never have children but got pregnant on holiday.

Whats attracting 'people like me' is the fact that this has been posted in AIBU and is showing in 'Trending' posts!
HTH.

I’m childless OP & it’s absolutely is possible to have a happy life without children even though I wanted them. They’re are still moments of pain at unexpected times but generally my life is good & im happy

and fourtjing or fifthing by now to come to the MN without children board

I really wish there was a way of preventing people who have not experienced infertility from responding on thread such as this, unless it is with good wishes.

This may sound harsh, but if you have not experienced it, you will never understand.

Some great posts here already OP. I would echo what people said about you still being fairly young! But I completely understand the horrible waiting / wondering what will happen while you still have time / can try - I’ve been there.

You will be ok either way. To the poster who said otherwise - please fuck off.

'The “just adopt” and “relax and go on holiday” brigade have arrived already.

I would also support moving to the “without children” board. You’ll receive more sensible advice there.'

Also highly recommend the 'without children' board. Allow yourself some space and time to grieve OP, don't force yourself to move through it more quickly than you are ready for. You sound so sad and hopeless, and that's totally understandable. It is torture when you hear about pregnancy announcements when you're longing for a baby of your own. I get it

There's a lot of pressure to 'be positive' and 'never give up' and all the rest of it but I do think that if you're just done with it all, then deciding to stop can be a very brave and very liberating choice

Definitely look into the childless MN topic, people on AIBU are often willingly ignorant and willl come out with ‘give it time’ ‘relax’ ‘it will happen when you don’t try’ and the best one ‘could you adopt’

The “just adopt” and “relax and go on holiday” brigade have arrived already.

I would also support moving to the “without children” board. You’ll receive more sensible advice there.

I wish you all the luck - infertility is a desperate kind of pain x

Please don't ever suggest this to someone who is desperate to have a baby. It's just cruel. I have gone home and cried many times from this comment. The OP will have considered this I'm sure and it's not for others to question if they have. It's a very touchy subject and is an entirely different form of becoming a parent. It's not a compromise for infertility and not should it be.

For the OP, are you saying my life is pointless or the rest of the 20% of people who can't or don't have children? It kills me that people would think my life (or their own) is pointless because they can't have children.

A friend mentioned this podcast had helped her get into a better headspace recently, might be worth a listen.

Sending you so much love. We’ve been trying for two years with three miscarriages and I’m older than you.

I tried to talk to friends with children about my feelings and it was impossible - I’ve never felt so distant from them even though I love them and they will hopefully always be in my life but it’s this one fundamental thing that’s tearing our lives in different directions and they’ll never understand it.

Seconding this. AIBU will inevitably just attract seven billionty parents telling you to adopt or just relax and go on holiday to "let it happen", whereas there are people on this board who've come out the other side of where you've been and can provide really good support.

💐

I'm not in your position OP, but I was once. I now have 2 children. Each pregnancy was conceived naturally while I was on holiday, so I think there's a lot to be said for relaxation and letting go. I never thought we'd be able to have children naturally.

Having said that, I think that having children is both the best and the worst thing that happens to you. It can at times be relentless. It's a huge, huge, crushing responsibility, as well as an expense and entire lifestyle change. Yes, it's wonderful as well, but please don't lose sight of the good things in your life at present and that not having children is not the worse that can happen.

Good luck

After three failed IVFs and being told it was highly unlikely to succeed we decided to adopt. Took another 5 years, so we were quite old. 15 years on we could not be happier. But that's not a path for everyone, I know that.

@CaptainPhillips not sure what it is about this post that’s attracting people like you to it.

what a thoughtless and cruel comment

I hope whatever is happening in your own life to turn you into this gets better soon

All sorts of things happen to people in their lives that make them feel the future is empty and pointless. From bereavement to life changing illness to loss of relationships or lifestyle. The majority of people do find a way to build a life around the void that contains joy and satisfaction from other sources. There is no blue print for getting there as everyone's journey is different but human beings are complex creatures capable of finding fulfillment from many and varied things. Most people without children do not spend the rest of their days feeling their life is valueless and empty and there's no reason the OP should be the exception.

I got so much abuse on another thread for saying this, but. There are many ways to make a family OP. You could adopt or foster, or look into shared lives (supporting older people or those with learning disabilities to live independently) a decision to go down this route would enrich so many lives and would be an amazing experience.

but I do also believe that you can have a fulfilled life without children in it. Career wise, travel, experiences etc. maybe you’re not quite ready to see the positives yet and that’s ok, but when you are ready, there are lots.

best of luck

Erm, what?!
Childfree by choice people don't want kids at all.
Are you imagine a situation where someone is childfree by choice and has a child forced on them, and can't overcome the feeling that a future with that child in it is pointless?!
It's a hell of a stretch and not relevant.

I am 53 and childless not through choice.

First of all, I would say that you are not out of time yet and whilst 35 feels like a key milestone, your fertility is not going to drop off a cliff the moment the clock chimes at midnight on your 35th birthday.

To your question though, does it get better, well yes definitely! To be honest, I was glad when I reached the point where it really became very unlikely / impossible, there was nothing to stress over then and I found peace and acceptance. I then focused on other aspects of life, my husband, early mortgage repayment, travel, living overseas, early retirement etc.

@CaptainPhillips do you say the same about child free by choice people who can’t see a future with children?

I have been coming to terms with a childless future for a while now. Over the years I have had 2 miscarriages and 3 failed IVF rounds (including many many tests and treatments like immunes and genetic testing etc). I am now 42 and pretty much at the end of the line. We have 1 more frozen embryo left. We will be giving that a final go in a few months. Once that is done we are drawing a line under it and planning our future without children.
I do find I have come to terms with it more in the past 6 months. I was in so much pain thinking that I would never have a child from ages 30-41. Don't get me wrong I still get a stab of pain when someone else announces a pregnancy. And I feel sad for a few hours. But I definitely get over it much quicker these days. I will wish things had been different. But I am slowly coming to terms with it and finding some positives etc.
I think my main worry these days is that my husband will leave me to find someone who can have children. He obviously says this is ridiculous but I can't help have that worry. He could still have them at his age and even later. My time is up. And I just feel so guilty for that for him.

I’m so so sorry. Why aren’t you eligible for nhs ivf btw?

Of course YANBU to feel this way. It’s a huge huge thing and will take time to move on from/change your way of thinking. I’m so sorry you e had a difficult journey with this.

Firstly, you are still young enough if you want to try for a second round of IVF (@KT8282 had some lovely and encouraging advice there). But I also understand it must be hugely emotionally and physically draining.

I think for me, if I hadn’t been able to have children I would have been devastated, but what I would have focused on would be travelling (which is what my life was all about before having children). I would have either found a job I could do whilst travelling, or one I could come back and do for say six months to make some money and then go travel for six months (as an example). I think focussing on things you can do because you don’t have children rather than the opposite may be the way forward.

I don't think it's cruel at all. Someone would surely need a total personality transplant to overcome this mindset. Amazing if people can share genuine stories to the contrary though.

That is a wonderful, encouraging post, Kimberley. There is no doubt in my mind that childless people can live a fulfilled life and are able to grasp opportunities not open to those with children, often helping others. In years gone by infertility was sad but accepted and those affected set about being involved with other things. Infertility does not have to mean eternal sorrow.

I wish the op every success and blessings in the future. Who knows what is around the corner? Don't waste your young life, you can make a difference.