To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

I'm so sorry. We had issues on both sides and decided against IVF. I watched my friend go through multiple rounds, each time it failed and she had MH problems along with the financial burden.

At around the 5 year mark we had a serious discussion about our future. I think we needed to draw a line under the situation and admit that it wasn't going to happen for us. As a couple we decided on what we wanted our future to look like and planned on early retirement etc. Day to day life did get better and easier but we definitely went through a grieving process for the future we had expected. Birth and pregnancy announcements along with stupid comments were still difficult but having a plan and things to focus on and look forward to were key for us.

But sometimes it doesn't help to hear those stories. Sorry but it doesn't. It doesn't help me that's for sure.

No. A surprise is one in a million. That’s my point.

And to flag infertility isn't always failed IVF, sometimes there will be no "surprises" so please don't say that

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I went through two rounds of IVF before we had any success and felt much the same as you where I just couldn't figure out the point of my life. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, just that you're not as alone as you feel, don't give up yet, and sending you my thoughts as I know how much it aches xxxx

I think @CaptainPhillips was a little blunt but I think she's right insofar as, and I mean this kindly, that maybe acceptance it might not happen is something to consider. I've cried buckets and for me that's what I'm trying to do. Build a life around grief and not make it your entire focus although it's very hard. And I also hate the adoption comments as I couldn't adopt for medical reasons.

Been on both sides of the coin. Nothing happening, losses… Then a last minute surprise. Wasn’t anything special we’d done. Just random. I wouldn’t say that we’d come to terms, exactly, with being childless. But I had accepted it, after everything…

However, when other women say to me that my situation gives them hope. Yes. But, it’s different for everyone. I’d never say, oh it was fine in the end don’t give up! Sheer luck & absolute bad luck definitely come into play. I’m very aware of that fact.

^This. My DM (who never had any trouble conceiving) constantly went on about how my DH and I could adopt. Others suggested it, too. As my DH put it, did they really think we didn’t know that adoption was an option we could consider?

In the end, we did adopt (we have 2 DDs now, aged 14 and 11), but not because well meaning family members had suggested it. Only when we knew it was what we wanted to do, and once we’d come to terms with the fact that I would never conceive a child naturally.

if cost is an issue, have you tried those insurance plans where you can have unlimited IVF and if you don’t get a baby you get some costs refunded? Not that having a bay is everything but just thought it worth mentioning

I think you would have some amazing support on the fertility board op xx

Let's all ignore the massive twat on here and try to give the op much needed support as that's what they have clearly come for.

I have one child through IVF and I have a genetic condition requiring PIGD and IVF - the test for which didn’t exist until I was 39. After many years of being unable to have a child, and going through all the emotions you describe, I had a DS with autism and complex needs. My life is now a hellscape and I would give my eye teeth for my sad old childless life back.

My advice would be to avoid romanticizing the idea of what a life with children would be like. Sorry if that sounds cynical. I agree with the pp who said grieve for the children you won’t have and move on. I’ve also had to do this. There are no guarantees, even with a child, unfortunately.

Sorry you're going through this op.

I do have children so I won't pretend to know exactly what you are going through.

One thing I would say is that there are positives and negatives to both having children and not having children. I feel terrified for the future because I have children. What jobs will they have.. will they be able to afford a home. Will they be happy..will they be healthy. It's a never ending worry which stops me totally enjoying my own life. I'm not trying to say your situation is better or worse than mine...I'm just saying that whatever path you're on has downsides and upsides.

Best to ignore him. He's just enjoying upsetting people.

I am so sorry @Bbwinter ❤️ I have been trying 6 years too. We've had 6 losses in that time. I'm not quite ready to stop yet but we are nearing the end.

I'm 40 and we started trying when I was 34. We've had lots of tests, tried ivf and numerous treatments that should have worked (I have immune issues) but they didn't.

I was always hoping we would have a surprise pregnancy (totally relaxed and not thinking about it and it still didn't happen). I'm doing ivf again but this is the last time, we've spent all our money.

Having had a glimpse of what our life will be like just us (we took 6 months off after our last miscarriage in 2021 as I had a mental breakdown), I feel a lot more at peace with it not happening for us. Dont get me wrong, i atill feel really sad it hasnt happened but im not in that devastated space as i once was. I honestly could not have imagined I'd ever feel that way. I couldn't walk away knowing we'd not given it one last try. But if this doesn't work, we'll live childfree. And I think we'll be ok.

Sending you lots of love, you're not alone 💕

Wow. Just wow. What a lovely person.

you have all my sympathy. Dont know what to say but lots of hugs from me x

Hope you will be blessed with one when you least expect it 🌈

It's not all about you either, and yet here you are posting again...

Oh give over and have a bit of compassion for goodness sake. It's not all about you.

This is exactly me! I haven’t experienced infertility but I feel nothing but empathy for this lady and just want to show her some kindness. I don’t understand why people on this forum post such rotten cruel things to people who are clearly in pain. Like you say some people just have to have their say despite it maybe crushing another person ❤️

Where have I been asked not to post?

I really wish there was a way of preventing people who have not experienced infertility from responding on thread such as this, unless it is with good wishes.

I wish that weren’t a thing that needed to hypothetically exist, but I agree.

Its like the people who post on threads about their terrible mums with “oh I love my mum/wish I still had her, can’t imagine why you’d want to go NC”.

Some people just have to have their say if they see a thread, they don’t care if it’s unhelpful or hurtful.

I don’t have lots if wise words OP l, just that I am sending you a big bundle of empathy and love ❤️

Let me guess…you have kids?

Could you not at least wait a few pages, the tired old ‘can you adopt?’ is depressing as the sixth post.

Why are you being so unnecessarily cruel to the OP?

You've been asked to stop posting on her thread, yet here you are.