To feel depressed about the thought of a childless future

Adoption is definitely not just for people who cannot have their own bio children.
I know people with Bio and adopted children , and adoption is often far from
plain sailing for children and adoptive parents.

Adoption is something that people generally want to do in itself, rather than because they cannot have their own bio child/ren.

They specifically want to adopt.

I think it’s easier too, to be an adopted child when the parents have no other “Bio” children of their own.
( Adopted person!)

@thesurrealist great post, thank you for it. I needed to hear that.

Christ. No wonder OP hasn’t been back.

Really sorry that your thread has gone this way. There’s plenty of support to be had on the infertility or MNetters without children boards. And on the latter, I can guarantee that nobody will suggest adoption or tell you to just relax and change your mindset.

That’s your opinion. It’s the option available. If people don’t take it that’s on them. I get that some people only want their own natural child and that’s their right but some of us like me just want a family and don’t mind adopting.

It can do, yes. Children needing adoption have frequently suffered trauma and therefore require people with stable mental health to parent them. That doesn’t mean you have to not suffer from a MH condition but it must be well controlled and agencies are entitled to refuse anyone who they consider would not be able to provide for a child.

Same applies to physical health conditions, of which the list is endless.

This is another reason not to recommend or suggest adoption - the person you’re speaking to is likely to know more about it than you do (often having learned the hard way).

Lovely post @thesurrealist, full of kindness and good advice. So true that no one should feel under pressure to live some sort of extraordinary life if they're not a parent, as if they've got something to atone for. One of the best things about not having children is having more freedom in creating the sort of life that you want

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ as a childless person I shouldn’t have to explain why I haven’t ‘just’ adopted but I will in case it’s helpful

I didn’t just want ‘a’ child, I wanted DH child, a child that only the two of us could make together.

nothing but admiration for people who do adopt but it was never going to work for me

Didn't know what?

You need to quote people when you're replying, otherwise the thread makes no sense.

Genuinely sorry didn;t know that.

OMFG will it ever end

Does MH bar you?

It’s really not helpful to suggest to infertile people that if they really wanted a child they’d adopt.

oops

Please - never - ever - EVER say this to a childless person.

Just Do. Not. Do. It.

We had good success going to Norway as it was then relatively cheap compared with the UK and had higher success rates. We were infertile from 28 to 31 and had dd1 at 32 after 2 mc. Ds1 came at 35 after more mc and with a terrible round than saw lots of eggs not fertilise and only 1 being 'ok'. He's more than OK obviously. Ds3 came when we thought our family was complete after one fricking shag near ovulation and a fair amount of alcohol. Not planned but welcomed. I will never know if previous pregnancies 'cleared' the infertility or the 'just relax!' Was annoyingly correct.

I don't think you're wrong to be depressed at 35 but there may be surprises. If there is not then its OK. Being child free has lots of advantages and it'll get easier with time. Focus on those positives rather than the negatives of no children.

There are also a lot more non ivf routes available now - if you are unexplained then this might help? Hertility etc?

"What I've learned in the last 20 years of being childless....
Your life is not less valuable or less worthy compared to parents. You do not have to live a life of service or charity work to give something back...because why do you need to give something back anyway? I presume you are a fully functioning adult with a job and pay taxes. That is enough.
You don't have to have a high-flying job, go on exotic holidays, travel a lot, unless that is what you want to do. To just have an ordinary life is enough.
You don't need to be the neighbourhood babysitter or financially support your friends and relatives children. You don't owe them your time or your money because you don't have children.
It is ok to step away from"

thesurrealist thank you for saying this. I don't have children due largely to circumstances, and had been reading some posts thinking I'd double failed by also not travelling or having a high flying job. I do have a "normal" job and some hobbies.
"Just to have an ordinary life is enough".

That's you.

The comments are bad because: (a) everyone literally knows adoption exists, it isn't a secret; and (b) it's very easy to be ineligible for adoption if you have a MH condition. I myself am. So it's an unhelpful suggestion - because it's not brand new information - that is capable of pouring salt in the wound.

And, also - (c) it's OK for an infertile person to not like the idea of adoption even if it is an option for them. Nobody queries whether fertile people considered adoption rather than having their biological kids, and if not, what their feelings were about it.

So sorry you're going through this ❤

I don’t think the why don’t you adopt comments are bad. I’m 33 and infertile thanks to chemo. When the time is right me and my partner will be looking into adopting. If you want a child so desperately and you can’t conceive then I’m sorry but sometimes adoption is the only answer to consider . I can’t imagine a life without a child or children as to me it’s boring and not the life style I want.

I haven't been in your position so I am not going to pretend I understand.

But I am sending love and best wishes and hoping that life treats you kindly in the future, whether with children or without.

I'm not sure if this is useful, but one thing i found helped was having a really definite number of ivf goes you would do. My husband and I settled on 3, no more, as that was NICE guidelines. After that we were going to look at rebuilding our lives etc. As it really is emotionally draining and costly depending where you are. We also gave ourselves 6 months to a year between cycles to recover.
We were lucky- four cycles in total, babies born when i was 36 and 40.

I agree with this. Childless women are seen as natural volunteers, the selfless ones who "give back". Fuck that - I'm not going to feel compelled to "give back" as I haven't taken anything. And the pressure to earn loads and travel too - the things that people with kids constantly tell us they are envious of - no. You don't have to feel you should be doing either of those things.